Young Writers Society

Hi Ignorance,

Mailice here with a short review!

Back with some great drawings and the start of the story. It seems to start right away, which makes me happy. You link the plot to some of the characters' characteristics without introducing them further, which happened in the prologue, which is good. It gives the reader a chance to see the introduction in action and build up sympathy.

I like the contrast between the royal court and their seriousness of the situation and the Flaming Bandits, how they take it more casually, like it's a snap. I'm very convinced there that it probably won't be as easy as implied. (Besides, the Earth has already been saved 3 times? Is that a teaser for more storylines? )

I liked how most of the chapter took place in dialogues to understand the characters better, but I also think that there is still room for improvement in terms of descriptions. For example, there was too rapid a change between the royal court and the Flaming Bandits and back to them. It seemed to me that they were just hidden in a room next to the throne room. I think you could show a little bit how they are on the planet and what the differences are with, for example, Earth palaces. Since you went to the trouble of inventing an alien planet with their own creatures, it would be a shame not to see much of the differences now.

Other points that struck me:

But at least this was giving him SOMETHING to do for once.

Since the focus and tone of this sentence refers to "something", I would prefer to put it in italic to emphasise that, since the narrative now has a different tone here than in the prologue. If it's written in all caps, it looks more aggressive. Later, you do the same with the word "HATED".

"-Needs it tot work, I know, I know."

Since Lord Pentalon here finishes the sentence of his counterpart, i.e. it is an interruption, so to speak, the "Needs" must be written in lower case.

She called in the Flaming Bandits specifcally?

Since Feleth makes it more than a statement, it would have to be written with a full stop, rather than a question mark.

"...The Earth will be destroyed."

Here again, you create an interruption while the Queen is speaking, and is thus the continuation of the previous sentence; say "The" would have to be lower case.

In summary, it was a great chapter with a good start and the first official characterization of the Flaming Bandits.

Have fun writing!

Mailice.

Hey back for a review! Let's get to the grammatical mistakes first.

"However, we're facing a bit of a set back."

Set back should be setback.

I give you three the task of retreving this artifact,” Iphistora spoke, slightly calmer than before.

Retrieving is misspelled there. Correct it.
Now, let's get to the general review.
This was awesome, a new mission for the Flaming Bandits.

Sire, the Orb is growing steadily," Berinyla spoke calmly. "However, we're facing a bit of a set back."

Lord Pentalon groaned with dismay. "What is it now?" He was annoyed, of course. But at least this was giving him SOMETHING to do for once.

"We have failed to obtain the Mystic Oracle. As you may know, the Orb-"

"-Needs it to work, I know, I know." Lord Pentalon sighed and rubbed his temple. "Do you have ANY idea where it is?"
As a matter of fact, yes. However, it just so happens to be on planet Earth." Berinyla put that last bit in hesitantly. She HATED Earth, with all of her being. It was noisy and gassy, and people were nothing but rude.

"...Earth. You're kidding. Okay- fine. As you are my finest officer and my closest assistant, I would like to recruit you to go to Earth with a small team to retrieve the Mystic Oracle," Lord Pentalon huffed. Berinyla seemed hesitant.

"Sire, are you sur-"

"Of course I'm sure, dimwit, are you lacking your hearing? Go gather your team, now," he spoke sternly. Berinyla quickly composed herself.

"...Yes, sire."

I see... Mystery setting in. I would like a brief description of who these two people are. From your writing, it's quite evident that Lord Pentalon is an officer of higher rank and Berinyla is Lord Pentalon's closest and most trustworthy assistant. However still, I want more clarification about these two people. Like what is actually their role in The Otherworld and their relationship with the queen. Seems like Berinlya is in a pitiful position. She hates Earth and she is being told to recruit a team for its safety.

“Aglos! Agi, come on, wake up!”

Aglos groaned as they began to wake up. The first thing they saw was Aideth. Good old, annoying, Aideth.

"What do you want now, Goldie?" Aglos had adopted that nickname for Aideth when the two of them were younger.

"Hey, it's not me who wants something. It's the Queen."

Aglos shot up like a rocket. "What?? This early??"

The phrase good old, annoying kind of sounds like an oxymoron. I like the nickname Goldie tho. Aglos seems to be surprised by it. They didn't expect something this early. In the last line, instead of two question marks, it can be written as 'What!? This early!?' If you don't want to put the exclamation marks, write it as 'What? This early?'

I know, I know, it sucks. Believe me, I didn't take it easy either," Aideth sighed.

"It's true, y'know. C'mon, dude, your hair looks like something straight out of the ruins," Feleth spoke with a chuckle. She had been leaning against the doorframe this entire time. Aideth gasped, only half faking his offense.

“Hey- not the hair-!! You take that back right now, you Hectuling!!” Aideth yelled playfully. Aglos chuckled.

“So, what does the Queen want from me, anyways?”

“Not you, us. She called in the Flaming Bandits specifically?” Feleth rolled her eyes with a chuckle.

“Oh- I guess that makes sense, heh. Alright, alright, I’ll get ready.”


Aglos proceeded to do just that. They changed into the same thing they wore every day, or at least something similar to that. After they were done, the Flaming Bandits walked over to the throne room, where Queen Iphistora herself sat upon her throne. The three bandits bowed before her, until she spoke,

I didn't understand that Hectuling thing. It seems a bit confusing where it's used. And it seems like the Flaming Bandits have a uniform sort of thing or maybe Zinnions wear the same clothese everyday. Yet to be discovered.

“So, why did you call us here, your majesty?” Aideth questioned. The Queen’s usual regal gaze seemed to waver for a moment.

“…I have grave news. We have recently found out that the Hectulings have placed an Orb inside the Earth. This isn’t any kind of Orb, it’s one that holds intense power. Meaning that if it is activated…” She paused for a moment. “…The Earth will be destroyed.”

Aglos gasped, clamping their hands over their mouth.

“…N-No…”

“Wouldn’t that destroy Otherworld, too..?” Aideth spoke both quietly and shakily.

“Unfortunately, yes,” Iphistora sighed.

Threat to Otherworld! They have got to act. And also, it seems like there is a relationship between the Earth and the Otherworld. Otherwise, the destruction of one couldn't have resulted in the destruction of the other.

Not to worry, at least not for now. The Orb is missing a key ingredient; the Mystic Oracle. This is what gives it such intense power. If we can keep it out of the Hectuling’s hands, we can not only save both Earth and Otherworld, but we can fend off all Hectulings with ease. I give you three the task of retreving this artifact,” Iphistora spoke, slightly calmer than before.

“The Mystic Oracle…” Feleth whispered in awe. “Of course, your majesty.”

Aideth nodded. “It’ll be nice to go to Earth again, let alone save it for… what, the 4th time?” He smirked, before being nudged by Aglos. Quit acting so arrogant! they mouthed. Aideth sighed and obliged.

“We’d be more than happy to, your highness,” Aglos said with a salute. The Queen smiled softly.

“I knew I could count on you. Best of luck, Flaming Bandits.”

A sigh of relief that it had not yet gained the power which can destroy the Earth and also the Otherworld . Aideth seems a bit too overconfident tht they would be able to save the Earth. Great character portrayal.

Overall, it was a great first chapter with some great designs of the characters(of course the credit goes to baydews on Picrew). Can't wait to see what happens in their journey to the Earth. Hope all will go right(something that rarely hapens in stories)..

Keep it up!
~Forever