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Kinetic Crusade Chapter 2 Sewer Snowflakes

by Hikarufire64


I opened my eyes and looked out into the darkness before me and a pair of yellow burning eyes opened up “Who are you?” I asked in fear. I tried to walk closer but realized I was floating in a black void. “What are you?” I asked again

“Listen to me you must stop an Ancient sealed away race known as the Horns from bringing back a war that has long since ended.” A deep voice echoed.

“But how can I stop it from bringing an old war back to life, and more importantly who the heck are you?”

“Don't worry about who I am,” the voice growled.

“You must collect the four Ancient medallions alongside three others to unseal the power of the Halo race so you can stand a chance against the shadow power of the Horn race.”

The voice instructed. I crossed my arms and gave him a skeptical look.

“And how do I know that you’re telling the truth or why I should even do what you say.” I questioned him while giving him a more intense look of skepticism. A slash of fire in the dark void opened up a portal looking hole in mid air and in the portal was a burning town with mangled ripped apart bodies of children, men, animals, and women littered everywhere. Shattered torn down buildings falling apart and above them all high within the sky was a giant dark cloud where four giant eyes opened up and started screaming distortedly. The portal quickly closed and the pair of yellow eyes appeared before me again.

“Your first medallion is hidden within Glacier burg itself while the others are scattered about the land, go now!” instructed the voice. The dark void quickly covered with red flames and a light enveloped everything.

I woke up with my face covered in beads of sweat, and realized it was all just a dream, though it was nowhere close to seem like a dream but more like a nightmare. I looked out my window and noticed it was still night out which would give me a good head start at getting the Medallion the voice mentioned, so I got out of bed and got my clothes on and grabbed my stuff, as I tipped down the steps I begin to remember the strange dream.

“Why would someone like that ask me to stop a war,” I asked myself quietly.

“Seriously who asks a thirteen year old to stop an entire species not only that I don’t even know anything about how that war even started or which war it even was!.” I made it to the living room securely and walked towards the door.

“And three others? How am I supposed to find the three other people that are supposed to help me when I don’t have a clue who they are or what they look like?” As I was thinking about the many worries about doing this I walked right into the coat hanger which really showed me how much this was truly bothering me. “How long will this even take?” I silently asked myself again. “Will I even live to go back to school after summer is over? Will I even live to see my home again?” As I rubbed my forehead I was reminded of the terrible images shown in that dream, I clenched my fist ever so slightly and put on a serious face. “If I’m going to stop that thing from happening, I better keep myself together.”

As I tipped out the door, I thought of the possible people I knew who would know where the Medallion of Glacier Burg was exactly. I thought of all the oldest people in town, and who would hold the secret of where it’s hidden and then it hit me!

“Gyo and Kyo might know where it is!” I ran over to the Dojo as fast as I could to see if was open and thankfully, it was.

I pushed open the door and walked inside looking around the half-lit dojo hoping either one of them are there. Further in I made out the shape of Kyo polishing his swords near the weapon rack, when he noticed me stepping in, he put his swords down and walked over to me.

“Hey what are you doing up and walking around,” He asked me with a concerned look. “It’s the middle of the night you know?”

“I know I'm looking for Mr. Gyo I want to ask him about Glacier Burg's medallion.” Kyo stared at me for a second then nodded.

He walked back to the weapon rack and pulled out an old rolled up paper from behind one of the swords hung on and handed it to me. He then he pointed to a circle on the paper.

“The town's medallion is the Medallion of Ice it's in the town sewers.” He then pulled a medic kit from behind one of the slide in doors and placed it in my hands. “Father has told me tales of creatures running around down there so just in case take this with you.” I stuffed the kit into my backpack and looked at the map.

“I will and don't worry about me,” I said reassuringly. “I've practiced with you and Mr. Gyo enough to defend myself!” he sighed and smiled at me.

“Well yesterday's practice lesson proved that to me, by the way are Roby and your friends awake at this time?” He asked.

“Umm, I think he's over at Max's house playing Monster Farm, why?” I asked him.

“Nothing, just go get everything you need, and then get the medallion I’m gonna make a few phone calls to some houses.” I shrugged and walked out the Dojo.

I unrolled the map and followed the marked trail that lead me all the way to the circled area, and to a manhole cover behind the tree house my friends and I hang out in. I looked up from the map as I rolled it back up and stuck it in my pocket. I took a few steps forward but remembered what Kyo told me of monsters in the sewers.

“I should get my Kendo Shinai just in case I have to defend myself.” I nodded to myself before running back to the house and tipping back upstairs. I opened the door to my room and grabbed my Kendo Shinai near the door, but before I could walk back out, the picture of my father caught my eye. I picked it up and looked at him. “Maybe you’ll be there when this is all over.” I put the picture of him in my bag and headed back out.

Back outside, I head back to the tree house and noticed three shadowy figures standing around the trunk of the tree, I pulled a flashlight out of my bag and shined the light on them. There stood Roby, Max, and Bella near the roots of the tree house and they were all pulling on the manhole cover that lead to Glacier Burg's sewers.

“Hey Hikaru,” Max yelled as he struggled with the cover. “What took you so long dog?” I cut the flashlight off, as I got closer.

“What are you guys doing here?” I asked them. Bella stepped forward still rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

“Roby got a call from Kyo telling him that you had to get the medallion of Glacier burg, so we're here to help you get it!”

“Yeah we can't let our best friend go down there all alone!” I noticed that they all have a weapon from home, Bella had an iron skillet, Max gripped a light bone club and Roby held his metal axe. Not only that, they all had pots and pans on their heads for makeshift helmets. I laughed a little and nodded in agreement and we all stood around the cover, grabbed hold, and pulled the metal lid up. We all lifted the cover and pushed it aside then one by one; we all climbed down the ladder.

“So how are we even going to get the medallion anyways?” Bella inquired as we all stood around the bottom of the sewer ladder. I stood there with my hands on the shinai handle as I stood it up on its tip.

“The dream voice only told me where it is and what happens if I don’t do it so I don’t know what’s gonna happen once we get there.” I said wondering myself of what to do.

“Maybe there’s going to be this giant ice dragon covered in spiky ice scales and a giant hammer tail made of Ice like the one those ancient dinosaur tribe species had on their tails, you know they talked about in history class last year!” Max blurted out.

“Maybe it’s just getting there that’s the hard part but it could be easy grabbing it and getting out, I mean you did say the dream voice just told you to collect them, he didn’t mention anything about fighting a monster did he?” Roby questioned. I shook my head no.

“Nope just collecting them, come one we should probably get started on walking the faster we get this the faster I get a good night’s rest.”

As we walked through the sewers, I started to hear something crawling up behind us. I quickly turned around to see a large sewer rat.

“This must be what Kyo was talking about!” I said pulling my Kendo shinai from my backpack. Roby and the others huddled behind me with their weapons raised, Max peeked his head over my shoulder.

“Uhhh, Cowabunga?”

It suddenly stood on its hind legs, hissed loudly at us, and then Lunged. It tried to bite at me but I quickly stepped to the side and swung at the rat as it went by and hitting it on the head, Bella ran in and whacked it over the head with her skillet. The rat lunged again, but Max grabbed it by the tail and started to spin it around.

“Throw it this way!” I called getting into a batting position, Max released the rat my way and I swung my Kendo shinai just as it came into range sending it ricocheting off the sewer ceiling and into the sewage water.

“Yeah we kicked it back to the down low!” We all did a group High five before we continued going deeper into the sewers. We walked on a raised platform alongside a river of sewage that that out of Glacier burg. Cans, old clothes and even some dolls floated past us.

“Look at all the sewage in this place; I didn’t think Glacier burg would have so much junk.” Bella said pinching her cat nose.

“Well they can’t just let it out into the sea, it would get polluted and dirty up the ocean we wouldn’t even be known for our clear water and glaciers if we just dumped this sewage into the sea” Roby explained.

I looked at the sewage a little closer and recognized some of the trash from my house, even a cup of instant ramen and Apple juice with my initials “H.T.M” on them.

“Oh look it’s my old bone from last week!” Max exclaimed pulling out a random fishing pole from seemingly out of nowhere, hooking the bone instantly, and reeling it up.

We looked at him dumbfounded and shocked, Max sniffed the bone but stopped when he felt our eyes staring at him.

“What, it was my favorite before my mom threw it away a week ago!” he complained.

We looked at each other and shook our heads before continuing down the sewer path.

After an hour of walking, we came to the cold end of the sewers, and there in a wide open area imbedded in the wall surrounded by a wall of shimmering sparkling Ice, was the Medallion of Glacier Burg.

“It's One of the Medallions!” I ran over and reached my hand out to grab the medallion. But suddenly a flash of light covered the room and I shielded my eyes from the flash so I would not go blind, when I opened my eyes, I was shocked to find the whole area frozen in ice and before us, a large towering Polar bear in Viking like ice armor.

“Are you the one who awakened me?” The towering white bear asked staring at me with his ice-cold eyes.

“Uh... Well I need this medallion for something Sir, so if I could just get it from you that would be nice.” He then started to laugh as if it was a joke.

“You think you can just Ask for it HA, you have to prove to me that you're worthy of having it!” He drew in a cold wind in front of his hands and the cold energy formed, into a huge frozen mallet of ice. “Come at me with your best shot!” He demanded.

“Alright Here go!” I ran up to him and jumped high to get face to face with him “I need that medallion!” I struck him in the face with my Kendo shinai and I hear an audible “Crack!” from his jaw line.

“You little bastard, that actually hurt!” I landed and noticed the Medallion unguarded as the polar bear stumbled about in pain, I ran toward the medallion and jumped forward to grab it. “Oh no you don’t get back runt!” With one swing from his hammer he sent me flying into a wall, I ached in pain and struggled to stand on my feet as I watched him ready his hammer.

“Hope you like Pancakes because you’re about to be one!” He raised his hammer and just as he was about to bring it down I heard a loud “Crunch” and I opened my eyes to see that Max had shattered his toe with the bone club. The Polar bear hopped about one foot while holding the other in his hands.

“You little Mutt I’m gonna crush you!” He raised his hand and threw his palm at Max; Bella ran toward the back of his leg and took aim.

“Excuse Me!” Bella swung her skillet on its side, struck him in the back of his leg, causing the bear to fall to its knees. Roby ran over to me and helped me back onto my feet. Roby set his battle-axe on his shoulders and smirked.

“You ready Hikaru?” I pulled my goggles over my eyes and held my cracked Kendo shinai in my hand.

“Let's do this!” We charged at the Viking polar bear and Roby held the flat part of his axe above his head, I jumped onto it and used it as a boost to jump. I raised my Kendo Shinai above my head and come down on the polar bear’s nose. Blood splatters on the floor as I land and jump back.

“Alright, I let you little bunch of brats have your fair share of fun but now it's my turn!” He stood on his hands legs, raised his foot high, and stomped into the ground and huge columns of ice launched us into the hair. He grabs his hammer, swung with the side of it, and sent us into the cold hard wall. I held myself up by my Kendo Shinai and I noticed that the others are out cold; I stood on my two feet in front of them with my Kendo shinai held in front of me. “I see we have a survivor,” He said maliciously.

“I'll have to take care of that.”

“I'm not scared of a dirty snowman like you, take your best shot!” His cocky face changed to an agitated expression and he began to gather the energy from the cold ice around him and charged it into a flaming ball of blue fire.

“Let's see if you can handle the power of the medallion itself, Frost Fire!” He reared back and threw a flaming blue fastball. I gripped by Kendo Shinai tightly and it was suddenly engulfed in the same blue flames that were covering the ball of ice heading towards me, I got into batting position and saw the attack as a baseball and as soon as it came within range.

“You’re Outta Here!” I struck the flaming ball back at the Polar bear with all the strength I had left and sent it searing back to the warrior in a plume of white cold smoke.

“Why You Little-!”The ball of flames shot through the polar bear's armor and out of his back leaving a giant hole in his chest. He began shine brightly and then exploded into a flurry of colorful sparkling flakes of diamond snow. The Ice medallion on the wall started to shine brightly and I looked down to seem a thin chain of ice forms around my neck. When I looked up I realized that I'm no longer in the sewers but in a arctic looking land, I noticed that I was standing on a cliff of ice. My eyes trailed up an even larger cliff of snow and ice and standing at the top with his arms crossed was the Polar bear I defeated, He did not say a word but only closed his eyes and smiled at me.

“Boreas...” The names rang in my mind as everything suddenly went white and then dark.

“Hey Hikaru wake up, are you ok?” I opened my eyes and Max's face is in mine.

“If you die, can I have your Bike?” Bella suddenly yanked him away by the collar and dragged him to the exit ladder. When I sat up I noticed that I was back in the sewers and the ice medallion on the wall had disappeared.

“When that Polar Bear disappeared the medallion turned into a charm around your neck and then we saw you fall down and pass out.” Roby explained as he helped me onto my feet.

We climbed up the exit ladder and I pushed open the manhole cover above. As we climbed out, we pushed the manhole cover back over the hole and then scattered into the night, we waved goodbye to each other as we ran to our homes. For the fourth and hopefully last time, I crept upstairs and got bed. As I lay in my bed, I began to think of Millions of excuses to why my clothes were cold, slightly ripped and, funny smelling, but through it, all I just could not help but smile at the exciting adventure I had tonight.

“Man that was awesome.” I quietly said to myself before drifting off to dreamland.


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Fri Jan 13, 2017 2:28 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Back again!! Sorry I'm the slowest :p

I loved that we got right into the action and into some thicker plot elements in this chapter! You did a nice job setting up what the major goal is going to be in the story. I liked the teamwork between the characters and I really liked that not everything came easily to them and they had to fight a little bit in this chapter. :)

I'm going to try not to repeat myself too much from my last review, but a lot of what I said then would apply here as well.

The big thing I think you could benefit from is just slowing down. There are a lot of exciting, juicy things happening in this chapter, but they don't all have to happen in this chapter. I'm going to go through the chapter again and try to show you what I mean. :)

The opening
I actually had to skip back to the last chapter to make sure I didn't miss something. I wasn't quite sure how this chapter connected to the last or where we are now in context to the last chapter. The last chapter ended with the MC looking over a picture of his dad wondering about his dad. Now, it's dark and this unknown thing is talking to him. I would love a bit more transition. Where are we? When are we in context of the last chapter? What was the MC doing before this voice came? Where did the voice come from? What does the voice sound like? Does the voice really just come right out and say what the MC's mission is going to be? I feel like there should be some sort of lead up or prep for that big announcement so that the MC will believe this voice and maybe even do what the voice says.

“Why would someone like that ask me to stop a war,” I asked myself quietly. “I don’t even know anything about how it even started.” As I tipped out the door, I started to think of whom I could ask for the location of the first medallion.

You started out awesome with his introspection and his thoughts about this situation. I want waaaaaaaay more :) Since this is first person, you don't have to put thoughts in quotes. The MC is telling the story so the narration is his thoughts. Kind of handy that way :)
Here, he goes from "why me, this is kind of nuts" to "okay better get a team together to do this job" in one second. That doesn't feel super realistic to me. I want to know what he thinks about this. Where does he think the voice came from? Why does he think the voice targeted him? What does he think about the mission? What makes him so special or important that he needs to do this? What are his fears about all of this? What could go wrong? What will he gain if it goes right? Why should he do this? What will it take, what might he have to sacrifice if he does this? Is it worth it? You don't have to answer every single one of those questions, but thinking about those sorts of things will help the reader see and understand how he's making his decision and what's going through his mind. It's his story. He's telling it, so you can go crazy with the narration and the thought processes. It's still moving the plot forward because he has to make up his mind about what he's going to do in order for things to continue. Show us that.
Then you can show his thought process about why he picks the people they pick. Tell me a bit about them. Why are they going to be good for the job? What will make them an asset to his team? Why does he feel he needs help in the first place? How will they help? Etc.

Pretty much every time your MC makes a decision, I want to know (in a lot of detail) what the thought process was behind that decision. I want to know how your MC feels about everything. I want to see his mind work and understand how his mind works. Not only will the story feel richer, but it will also help your reader get to know the MC and connect with the MC. I want to connect with him so that I feel something for him and so I'll root for him on his mission.

The events of this chapter are as follows:
-He finds out about his mission
-He has to decide to accept this mission
-He assembles his team and learns more about this medallion
-They head down into the sewers to find it, fight a giant rat, and a bear, they get the medallion and go home

I think this could be broken into three chapters, or at least three distinct scenes:
1. He finds out about the mission and he has to decide to accept the mission. Maybe he confides in someone he trusts about it to figure out if this is real and what he might actually have to do/the risks involved, etc.
2. He assembles his team and they create some sort of plan about how they're going to get this medallion. How do they know where it is? What kinds of defenses do they anticipate? What are they going to do about those defenses? What will they do once they get the medallion?
3. They head down into the sewers to find it, fight the rat and the bear, get the medallion, etc.

In my eyes, the benefit of this is that you'll simply have a lot more time and space to develop the characters and develop the plot arc. I think each of these moments are important, but I think you tried to fit too much into one chapter and it feels a bit rushed. The sewer scene/fight scene could easily be a chapter on its own with a bit more inner monologue/feeling additions because it's super exciting! You did a nice job creating barriers and challenges for the characters to overcome which was nice to see. You also did a nice job writing the more dramatic and suspenseful parts, so why not play to your strengths and show that off even more? :)

I feel like this review is a bit all over the place (hope it doesn't read that way). Please let me know if you have any questions or if something I said was confusing and I'll do my very best to help clarify. And if you would like feedback about something I didn't mention, let me know and I'll try to add that in :D Looking forward to reading on! I'll be faster this time I promise :p




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Thu Dec 29, 2016 6:43 am
deleted868 wrote a review...



Hello there! I'm here to get this chapter out of the Green Room on this lovely Review Day, so let's get started! First off, I think that you should include a sentence or two about Hikaru falling asleep, since there is little to no translation from the previous chapter to this one. It doesn't have to be very long at all, but if you included a single line about his eyes closing or his head hitting the pillow or something like that, then your reader won't automatically be thrown off by how this chapter suddenly opens with a scene that you don't know is a dream until later on in the story. Does that make sense? In addition, you don't need to put apostrophes around the dream sequence - they're unnecessary as long as you give the reader a hint that the scene is a dream.

Moving on, I think you included a few too many capitalized words in this chapter as well. I understand that you seem to like emphasizing certain aspects of this story, like the medallions and such, but if you include too many capitalized words, they ultimately can distract the reader from the story. I myself tend to focus too much on the words that are capitalized and then it takes me longer to get back into the story. One more thing I'd like to talk about are your characters and their dialogue. To start off with, there's a lot of dialogue in this story which is okay, but I feel like there could have been a lot more action in this chapter if you rearranged some of the conversations into more descriptive scenes.

All in all, this was an okay chapter. I feel like this story should have some sort of warning on it though - the violence isn't that bad, but it is included in this, yet it's just a suggestion to give it a warning. If you feel like it doesn't need it, then that's fine! Overall, this is a decent start, but there are a few things you can improve on to make this even better! I hope this helped you!




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Sun Dec 04, 2016 9:00 am
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Dracula wrote a review...



Hey there, Hikarufire64, I'm here to review! :)

There are a few reoccurring errors I noticed in this chapter, so I'll point them out before I get to anything else. “Who are you,” I asked in fear. “What are you?” You got it right in the second part of the dialogue, but you're missing a question mark in the first! If it's a question, it needs a question mark. I know it's confusing, because you want to continue the sentence, not end it, but you still need that punctuation. “But how can I stop it from bringing an old war back to life, and more importantly who the heck are you?” “Don't worry about who I am,” the voice growled. The second thing is that if a new person talks, you need a new line. So there should be a line split between 'you' and 'don't'.

I thought of all the oldest people in town, and who would hold the secret of where it’s hidden and then it hit me! “Gyo and Kyo would know where it is!”
Something I liked about this chapter was your characterisation. Little habits and details, such as how your main character thinks aloud (as highlighted above), make them all come to life.

Not only that, but I noticed they all had pots and pans on their heads for makeshift helmets.
This is personal preference only, but I don't think you need to say that they notice. The sentence would be fine if it read: Not only that, they all had pots and pans... It's just an unnecessary phrase. Since it's in your main character's point of view, if we're told something, then they must have noticed. It's a given.

The rat lunged again, but Max grabbed it by the tail and started to spin it around.
I love this! He must be really strong. :P This scene created a fun image in my mind.

“Man that was awesome.” I quietly said to myself before drifting off to dreamland.
I thought it was pretty interesting how you begin the chapter in a dream, and finish it with him drifting back to dreamland. I don't know if that was on purpose, but it's cool anyway. :D Thanks for sharing this!




Hikarufire64 says...


Oh wow thanks for pointing out the errors and little details i put in, this chapter hasnt been reviewed until now so this really helps thank you!




"Everything you can imagine is real."
— Pablo Picasso