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Kinetic Crusade Chapter 10 Mawr Mountain

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After leaving Incinerate City through the gates that lead to Mawr Mountain, we arrived at the foot of the mountain just in time to feel it rumble violently through the ground making Rick and I to stumble.

“The last thing I would ever want to climb is a Volcano, let alone one that’s about to Erupt and melt us all!” Marl cried as she fell to her knees from the rumbling of the ground.

“Well we have to climb it whether it erupting or not and besides we have to get that last Medallion before that Flame farting troll gets his ashy hands on it and does something stupid!” I said grinding my teeth and clenching my fists tightly.

“Wow that guy really got to you, what did he do to make you so angry?” Said Rick as he placed a hand on my shoulder, I blew out a huff of air in annoyance and put on a serious face.

“Let’s just find him and you’ll see what I mean.” Rick and Marl shrugged and walked in ahead of me. Kipper was leaning against the side of the mountain kicking rocks around for fun as usual. “Come on Kipper were going inside!” I shouted to the Gemini.

“Alright, let’s do this!” he yelled in excitement before running past me and into the cave entrance of the mountain.

I slowly walked in behind Kipper and keeping my eyes peeled for any unexpected monsters. I turned around to the entrance of the cave to scout out an ambush when I suddenly bumped into to something small that immediately pushed me back.

“What the hell is this?!” I shouted as I was violently tripped from under my feet. I lifted my head and saw Kipper standing at my feet shaken up. “Kipper what’s up, why are you shaking?” He slowly lifted his shaking hand and pointed behind me, a small ember rose up past my head and I turned my head around and quickly rolled forward. I got on my feet and peeked over the cliff where my head was and peered into the hot bubbling lava below the charcoal platforms that were attached to the walls of the volcano.

“Oh please don’t tell me we have to walk up that thing; I can already see myself half way up and falling through a crack to my doom.” “I think the others are up ahead.” Kipper said as he pointed upwards to a familiar blonde ponytail.

“Hey there’s Marl and Rick must be with her, let’s hurry up and caught up with them!” I dart for the spiraling ledges with Kipper behind me but a faint voice catches my attention.

“D-dad, are you there? Help I’m over here...” I crept over to where the voice was coming from, peaked over a cracking edge, and saw two hands gripping the edge.

“Who’s there? Are you a monster?” the voice asked. I started to recognize that accent of the voice and realized who was dangling for dear life.

“Leon is that you down there?” I asked, I poked my head over and a fist jabs at me but comes up short.

“What are you doing here? This isn’t your mountain to roam in it belongs to the people of Incinerate City!”

“And what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be keeping “intruders” out of your preciously pure town?” He growled at me and tried to pull himself up again but failed.

“I’m here to get the Fire Medallion; I’ve trained long enough that I should be able to fight back the darkness, so I don’t need any help from the others that I probably can’t even trust!” I shook my head and stood up.

“Fine, if you wanna fight this on your own then you can pull yourself up on your own I’ve got my friends waiting for me, and if you wanna fight us for it then try but just so you know the three of us won’t lose.”

I turned around and started walking away but I felt something stop my leg. I looked down and saw Kipper holding my leg in place.

“We have to help, he’s gonna fall!” I shook my head angrily.

“No way if he doesn’t want my help then he’s not getting it. All he wants to do is beat me up and prove that his ‘precious fire race’ is the best of all of them, and then he’ll just fail and we’ll all end up dying. We can do without him anyways.” Kipper gritted his teeth and hit me with a thrown rock in the forehead.

“It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t like you or if he wants to beat you up you still have to help him! You helped me, you didn’t even know what was going on at first, and you can’t just leave him there to die!” I gripped my shirt and looked back, his four fingers now only visible. My heart started to ache a little and a guilty feeling began to build within my heart. A side of my brain started to burn with hate as I took a deep breath for what I was about to do. I grabbed my backpack from by back, dug through it, and found ones of the ropes I bought while walking through Incinerate City and tied it to a nearby stalagmite.

“Alright I’m gonna throw a rope down grab it and hold on!” I shouted to Leon as I spun the rope and tossed it over the edge; I felt the rope tighten and signaled Kipper to start pulling. “Keep pulling Kipper!”

“I am pulling!” He shouted back. I pulled the rope over my shoulder, dug my feet into the ground and hauled forward while using the strength in my legs.

“I think I’ve got it from here!” I ignored what Leon had shouted and decided to show him that I was just as strong as he was. I took Kipper’s part of the rope and wrapped it around my arms; I then put all my strength into my arms and legs and heaved on the rope with all my strength. The heavy weight that was on the rope was gone. I looked up and saw Leon flying towards the wall above me, and hit it with a loud smash. He fell off and hit the ground with a loud thud. He struggled for a bit to stand up and but finally, he stood straight up and look me dead in the face.

“You were supposed to pulled my up not shatter my nose with a wall!” He shouted.

“Well now you see how strong I am and now that I’ve proved that I’ve got nothing else to prove to you!” He opened his mouth to say something else but Kipper jumped in between us.

“Well I’m glad that’s settled let’s go meet up with the others!” Before I could resist Leon and Me were tugged by our hands up the spiral path.

The Lava’s heat was starting to get to me; I felt the urge to run to the top to feel whatever kind of breeze was up there. I heard a cracking sound and turn to where it was coming from, Leon was cracking his knuckles and with each crack a small burst of fire covered his hands.

“Eww that’s just too much.” I said cringing slightly.

“What do you want me to do? Just stand there?” He asked starkly

“I’d like that instead of hearing a crack that sends an uncomfortable chill up my spine.” I heard some snickering behind me, whipped around to kipper, and pointed at him. “There was no pun intended in that one!” Kipper covered his still visible smile. A warm wind blew past us that slightly stronger than before.

“Rick must be up there already,” I stated. “And if Rick is up there then Marl must be up there with him.” Kipper said taking a step forward. Leon slipped on the pair of boxing gloves that was tied to his belt onto his hands.

“So you already have the other two with you, which means I’ll be fighting with more than I normally fight with.”

“And what’s the number you normally fight with?” I asked.

“Three people, Me, Myself, and I.” He crouched down and ran up towards the volcano opening leaving Kipper and Me behind.

“Hey wait for us, you just can’t run into a fight like that!” I called behind him; I took out my Shinai and ran after him with Kipper running alongside me with his Stone club.

I poked my head out to see what was going on only for a speeding fireball to narrowly miss my entire head. “Hey! Watch where you’re throwing your fireballs Leon!”

“That wasn’t me it was him!” Leon pointed ahead through his boxing gloves to a big flaming figure in the distance.

“More challengers for my Medallion have arrived; it seems that you two were telling to truth after all.” The fiery figure said in an intimidating voice. I turned my attention Marl and Rick who had small charred and burnt bits on their clothes.

“We told you before that we were telling you the truth you fiery freak!” Rick yelled. The figure roared and that was covering him grew.

“If you insult me again I’ll turn you all into ashes and you’ll be blown away with the wind, my power shall not be tested by pitiful children like yourselves!”

“I’d be careful not to use all your fire power here now that the whole gang is here, otherwise you’ll be out like a light pretty soon!” Rick said cockishly.

Marl turned around and gave us a thumb up. “It’s about time you two got here, I think we wore him down a bit but now that there are four of us we’ll have this medallion in a flash.” The fiery figure dispersed the flames surrounding him and revealed his battle scarred lion face and his flaming mane of fire with fire themed armor covering his shoulders and legs.

“I am Mawr the guardian of this medallion of flames; I shall prove to you all that the flames of power rule over all!” He smashed his two fists together with a burst of fire and got in a fighting stance.

Before I could take a step, Leon darted past me with his fists burning with flames. “Hell Knuckle!” He jumped into Mawr’s face and delivered a burning punch to his nose; he stumbled back a bit and rubbed his nose in pain.

“So one of my own is fighting for the very thing that I protect? Alright then I see that I’ll have to show you who you’re dealing with!” His claws glowed with a red radiant light before bursting into flames. “Lion Rage!” He clawed the air with his claws, which launched a flaming slash of energy; Leon was still in the air and had no way to dodge it.

“My shield won’t reach him if he’s too far away!” I shouted in hopes that someone could do something.

“I’ve got this! Aero Blade!” Rick jumped in the air and charged up winds in both of his hands

“Rick aim for the slash in the middle!” I shouted. He launched the aero blade which barely touched Leon’s back, it collided with the flaming slash and exploded into flaming winds. Leon came falling down and landed on his feet.

“Well that was a close call, you alright?” Rick asked Leon.

“Yeah, but next time you should aim at the opponent not his attack!” Leon’s fists were set ablaze once again as he dashed off toward Mawr again.

“He’s gonna get himself killed!” Marl sped off after Leon with her hands sparking with electricity.

“Marl, Wait!” I shouted. Leon stopped only feet away from the armored lion

“Try that again you overgrown house cat!” Mawr’s face became filled with rage and his hand shined brightly again with the same red light.

“I’ll show you who you’re calling a house cat, Lion Cracker!” He raised his hands and threw down a burning chop attack to crush Leon.

“Disable Discharge!” Marl threw a yellow electric light into Mawr’s arm. On contact, Mawr’s entire arm was coursing with electricity and his attack came to a halt.

“Why you! What did you do to me!?” He roared in anger.

Marl just smiled and placed her hands on her hips. “Let’s just say that arm is gonna be out of commission for a while.” Leon slammed his boxing gloves together as they were set ablaze for the third time.

“Alright enough stalling it’s time to knock you outta the ring!” Leon began running again and leaped towards the lion’s face once more. He put his two burning fists together

“Say goodnight! Kindle Cr-” Kipper’s small body suddenly leaped onto Leon’s shoulder and jumped off.

“Hey, let me try, Sapphire Slicer!” Kipper’s tail was enveloped with water as he swung it at the Guardian and launched a large blade of water. Mawr roared in pain as the water blade made a deep cut in his face while dousing out some of his flames. Mawr held his face in agony as the blood seeped from his face wound and through his hands.

“You think this will end me, a simple flesh wound to the face isn’t enough to take down a true warrior!” I started to get tired of his constant talk of what a true warrior to do and then a plan hatched in my head to take him down for good. I looked to Leon who was practically shaking in anger, presumably from everyone stealing his time to burn bright.

“Hey Leon, you wanna have the last hit?” He turned around and looked at me with a very skeptical look.

“What do you have in mind?” He asked tightening his boxing gloves. “If we attack him at the same time we can take him down and get the medallion!” Leon looked at his fists, closed his eyes, and nodded.

“Let’s finish this thing.” I turned to Marl who gave me a confident smile coupled with a thumb up, and Rick who gave me a big toothy smile

“Don’t worry bro we got you backs!” Rick said with his hand on his boomerang.

“We’ll take his eyes off of you two and onto us until you two are close enough to knock him out.” I gave her a confident smile, before she could run off with Rick I grabbed her wrist, she turned and looked at me.

“Marl...be careful ok?” She gave a small laugh and winked.

“Hikaru don’t worry I’ll be careful.”

As soon as I let go of her wrist she was already past Rick and at Mawr’s legs.

“Spark Shot!” a strong bolt of lightning had Mawr stumbling a bit.

“Hey Kitty cat how about a breeze to cool you down, Zephyr Cutter!” Rick jumped up and swung a kick at Mawr that launched a big wave of wind that slashed a scar on his chest. Mawr held his chest in pain and with his other hand clawed and slashed wildly at Marl and Rick as the two jumped and ran around his legs.

“Hikaru get ready, Disable Discharge!” Marl charged a larger electric wisp and shot it into Mawr’s chest area, currents of electricity spread out from his chest to his legs and arms and stopping him in place.

“Hey Leon, this is it get ready!” Leon cracked his neck and set his fists on fire. “Let’s put an end to this!” We got into a runner’s position and locked our eyes on the paralyzed guardian. I began to concentrate the power of ice into my shoes and felt them covered in frictionless ice.

“Ready!” I shouted.

“Set!” Leon said as he gripped the ground.

“GO! We ran with all our might and once we got close we leaped into the air.

“Knock him dead you two, Fleeting Winds!” Rick sent a burst of wind which sent us higher into the air and above Mawr.

“No, it can’t end this way!” Mawr shouted in anger.

“Well it’s about to end our way!” Leon shouted back. Leon’s fists were bursting with violent flames while my foot was cloaked in flaring blue flames the faster we fell. We began to spin around each other closer and faster and turned into a living fire ball.

“This fight is over, Astra Dive!” with our last call we collided with Mawr’s armor which shattered into pieces.

“NOOOOOO!!!” Mawr’s roared with his last words as we shot through his chest area and hit the ground with a thud.

I stood up and saw the soot and ashes all on my clothes and rapidly shook myself clean of it all, I look over to where I saw Leon landed and saw him slowly covering himself in flames to rid of the small pieces of ice over his clothes.

“Let’s not do that attack every time we have a strong enemy agreed?” I ruffled my hair and saw the ash fall out my hair and onto my hands.

“Yeah agreed, now let’s get the medallion and get out of here!” I replied

“Alright you two that’s a wrap!” I hear Marl shout.

“Yeah you two kicked his ass big time!” Rick called out. I looked over and saw them running toward us. They stopped with a halt and looked up.

“Here it comes!” I said.

“Here what comes?” Kipper asked. I pointed up at Mawr falling body that began to shine brightly and explode into an array of colors and a bright white light that swallowed us all. I opened my eyes and looked up at an ash covered cliff with embers flying through the air. The four guardians that we had defeated over the course of our journey stood on their own specific cliff united. Boreas stood on a glacier cliff, Raijin stood on a rocky mountain cliff, Ehecatl stood on a grassy cliff and finally Mawr stood on the soot blackened volcano cliff. Suddenly the cliffs that we were standing on began to shake violently and started to rise. That abruptly stopped at the same height as the Guardian’s cliffs and came together while closing the gap between us and the Guardians. We looked at each other in confused, then Boreas stepped forward.

“You four brave warriors have proven yourselves to us as strong fighters.” Raijin then stepped forward.

“We at first thought you were a bunch of snotty nosed kids who were lucky enough to have the powers of Kinesis.” Next was Ehecatl who took a step forward with a grin.

“But under estimated you all by your age and looks and assumed you had been searching for treasure and greed as young as you are.” Finally Mawr lifted his head and walked forward head of the others.

“But we see now that you are not treasure hunters or simple children exploring the land, but the true heroes that were sent to fight the evil that in slowly but surely crawling over this land, you have proven that you truly are the children of the heroes from the Harmona war.

“We’re what!” I said in surprise. Boreas quickly elbowed Mawr in the side, which made him double over.

“Damn it Mawr!” Boreas yelled

“You weren’t supposed to tell them that yet fool!” Boreas snapped at Mawr

Raijin snickered under his breath. “Spoiler alert.” Ehecatl pulled out a small blade from his side and whacked Raijin on the head with the flat side.

“Quiet imp, you’re making it worse!” Raijin retaliated by hitting Ehecatl in the nose with a thrown drum.

“Watch who you’re hitting you dumb dog!” Marl started tapping her foot impatiently and slammed her foot down

“Hello we’re still here you know!” They stopped their fighting and turned towards us.

“Yes you are, our apologizes.” Boreas said bowing his head.

“As I was saying you’re parents are the warriors of the war that took place on this very land. They used their Kingdoms medallion which were forged by the wishes and dreams of the war ending and sealed away the Halo and Horn race that started the war and in the end they brought peace back to the land, though the land was now split into two regions by the mass destruction life still went on and your parents soon left down their separate paths, and by the looks of it they found love down their walk through life and gave birth to each one of you which lead to you four being born with your own powers now. I looked at my own hands and a small ball of frost fire appeared.

“So Mom and Dad gave me this power, why didn’t they want to tell me?” I noticed the others seemingly looking themselves over, slightly weirded out by the fact their parents fought in a war. The bright light shined brightly again as the Guardians started to disappears, and before we all were whisked away a voice echoed into our ears. “You have passed the trial, but the real challenged has only just begun.

We were back at the top of Mawr Mountain; everyone had made it back ok and in one piece including Kipper. We dusted ourselves clean of the ashes and prepared leave the mountain, but I saw Rick stop and look around. “Hey Rick what’s wrong?”

“Something or someone is coming, but I don’t know where I can only sense them.” Kipper scratched his head with a puzzled look.

“You can sense stuff?” Rick nodded and kneeled down, putting his hand to the ground.

“The people of my village can sense things either by air or ground, it’s normally used for small wars but in this case we have to use it for survival.” He stood up and raised both of his hands, as if to feel the disruption in the air. Rick’s eyes shot open. “It’s coming for below!” Before we could even crouch down to jump, a giant shadow shot from the ground below us, while sending us flying back. I hit the ground head first, and so did kipper.

“What is that thing?!” Marl screamed. I rubbed the top of my head and looked up. A giant shadowy insect like monster stared back at me with its four giant eyes, each a different shade of purple. It’s eight spider like legs pulled the rest of its long body out of the ground and roared at us all while snapping together its pair of pincers.

“Hikaru quick think of something!” Kipper yelled. I threw my hands forward and concentrated.

“Blizzard Barricade!” A ring of blue flames circled around all of us and formed a large dome of Ice.

“Don’t you have a plan or something!” Leon shouted. The ghastly creature slammed its sharp leg on the top of the dome in attempts to crack it open.

“I don’t have a plan yet this it all I could think of!” I shouted back in a panicked voice.

“What do you think it is?” Marl asked slightly shaking in fear. Rick stood up with his shaky legs and tried to put on a brave face.

“I don’t’ know what that thing is but it better get ready!” Rick continued to stand up while the rest of us stayed near the back of the dome.

“You aren’t even going to try and fight that thing are you?!” I shouted at his back. Rick finally gave and darted back behind me with the others.

“Are you insane I’ll get skewered like a kabob if I try to take that thing on!” The creature screeched in anger and shot its leg into the ground while extending it.

“Hikaru, this dome does reach underground right?” Marl’s question was answered with the same leg emerged from the ground and coiled itself up tightly, we stood there in terror while trying to anticipate its next move.

In all the silence Kipper quietly but quickly cried. “Mommy!” The coiled leg shot forward and uncoiled at high speeds, crashing into all of us and shattered the ice dome into pieces.

We I slammed into the rocky inside rim of the volcano top and hit the ground with a thud. I could barely struggle to stand up on my knees with the incredible pain in my back and stomach. I held my back and stomach with each hand. “Wait, It took the Medallions!” Rick cried. I quickly looked down at my chest and realized that the ice medallion around my neck was gone.

“It was after the Medallion the whole time!” Kipper yelled back. I stood up while leaning against the Rocky edge.

“We have to get them back!” I shouted. The creature raised the leg that it attacked us with and revealed the four medallions that it indeed stole as if to show them off. The Medallion began shining off and on frantically as if they were showing their fear.

“The Guardians are in danger!” Rick yelled. I shook my head and started running at it with my Shinai held high.

“Leave them alone, give them back!” It raised it leg, reformed it into a needlepoint, and screamed what I could only translate as. “Die, Die, Die!”

Suddenly the leg was sliced off, fell to the ground, and melted into black goo. A large figure landed on the ground in front of me, a huge blazing claymore sword burning brightly over the figure’s shoulder. A pair of smoky white horns shined in the sunlight and a mane of fiery yellow hair seemingly glowed like a flame in the figure’s shadow. Something whiffed the edge of my hair and upon looking at the back of the figure, a red scaly tail moved from side to side in anticipation.

“Hikaru, you should get back where it’s safe.” The tall figure said in a deep voice.

He stood up and gripped his blade tightly and engulfed it in raging flames, with both hands he gripped the blazing claymore and charged the shady beast.

“Blazing Buster!” He shouted as he leaped into the air and swung his sword upon the creature, leaving a deep burning gash in its now raging face. The flaming covering its scar raged on as it toppled over and ceased movement.

“W-who are you?” I asked hesitantly. His sword cooled and returned to its grey color and was placed into a steel sheath on the back of his waist. He turned around with a semi visible grin; his armor was flowing with a fire like source flowing through the indents in the ash colored armor and with a dark red rope tied around his waist his armor resembled that of some kind of old swordsman armor with two thigh pads hanging from the side of his armor and a loin guard in between. He also had armor covering the bottom half of his legs.

“Hikaru, it’s alright I know that you’re shaken up but you don’t have to worry about me being a threat. He said in a reassuring tone of voice. He walked a little closer, stopped only a few feet away from me, and knelt down.

“You’re probably too young to remember who I am when I left but we’ve spoken before.” He placed his hand on the metal masked that was covering the top half of his face and pulled it off. Underneath the mask was the face of a red dragon, a long scar could be seen going over his eye and another on the side of his maw and a third going down his throat. My breathing became

Heavy; my mind told me to look at the photo that I found back home. I quickly grabbed my backpack and dug around frantically. As I dug around I heard him chuckle softly and for some reason a warm sensation spread in my heart. Finally feeling the photo I yank it out and held it up to held side by side, and like a fast analyzing computer I matched every scar and scale on the Dragon’s face to the one in the photo and the feel of reality hit me.

The photo slipped out my hands but he reached forward a caught it. “You’re mom won’t be too happy if you ruin this photo you know.” He said with a happy smile, my heart started to beat out of control, my mind was buzzing with thoughts and questions and my emotions had no describable words to be expressed in and only a single unused word in my word to could be heard. In a trembling shaky voice I said it.

“…Dad…” His toothy smile brought tears streaming down my face.

“Hikaru you don’t know how long I wished to see how you’ve grown up since the day I had to leave and to see how strong and brave you’ve gotten from when you were a toddler makes a guilt that I’ve to carry for years a whole lot lighter. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly. Tears and snot was running down my face like a combined river I decided to ask him a question

“Dad why did you leave home when I was so little?” I asked trying to wipe away the tears disrupting my vision. He wiped away the snot and tears with his hands and wiped it all on the white pants he had covering the rest of his legs.

“When me and you’re mother discovered that the Horn race would rise again years later after we had sealed them with the medallion, I made it my goal to free you of a dangerous destiny that you would have to face someday. So I left home after your third birthday knowing you would barely remember me at a young age like that and tracked down where the Horns would emerge again and try to seal them up again, but I wasn’t strong enough and it escaped and wreaked havoc in the areas I couldn’t reach in time. I didn’t want to send you on this journey but once I figured out what its actual plans were I had to ask you to gain the Medallions before it did, but now that we’re here together we can use the medallions together and seal it back up!” I wiped away my last bit of tears and nodded.

“I know we can!” He stood up and turned around with his blazing claymore set on his shoulder, he raised it above his head and its flames rose to the max forming a large extended blade made of fire.

“Follow my lead!” He called. Dad tailed his tail around me and Rushed at the Shadow monster with me in tow. It began to raise itself up again, it's spider legs struck the ground to give it stable footing while it raised the rest of its body and grew the leg Dad had cut off.

“Don’t you worry at all I’ll take care of this shady Bastard!” With his extended claymore Dad ran at it faster than before. “Ash Blade!” He swung his blade forward singeing its legs off and turning them to ashes.

“That’s amazing!” I shouted. He smirked snorted fire from his nose.

“That’s just the tip of the flame you haven’t seen anything yet!” skidding to a stop he crouched down and twisted his body around and shot upwards whilst spinning rapidly with his sword, The blade sliced through the monster like butter as he jumped through its wide open wound. My head was dizzy from the spinning but managed to come back into focus to see his blade at its fullest amount of flame, it was like being near a forest fire I raised my arms and shielded myself from the burning blade.

“Sorry about that, Hikaru get ready to concentrate your power to the tip of your weapon and launch.”

“For what exactly?!” He reared his tail back.

“For this, remember what I just told you!” He launched me higher into the air with his tail, I drew my Shinai from my bag and finally stopped rising, I looked down and realized I was high enough to see the entire mountain top.

“Now’s my chance, Concentrate to the tip of my weapon…” I raised it above my head and focused my Cryokinesis to the very top, as it built up it started to shine like an ice blue star. “Now Fire, Twin Comet!” I swung my weapon downward and fired the two large comet Frost Fires spiraling down.

They hit the Shadow monster in it head and ice raced over its body and incased it in ice. “Atta Boy! Now watch your old man finish this in style!” Still in the air and with his claymore raised high he swung his sword downwards and continued to spin like a flaming buzz saw as he fell and sliced through the head and body of the monstrous Shadow beast. With a giant wave of fire wisp as he landed the black smoke cleared, he coiled his tail like a chameleon and caught me just as I came back down to earth.

“I almost forgot you were up there.” He said calmly.

“Thank god you didn’t or id be a crater in the ground!” I jumped off his tail and landed on my feet but struggled to stand correctly after being in the air for so long.

“Hikaru are you alright!” I smiled and finally stood up correctly.

“I’ll be fine I’ve been hit with worse and walked on worse too.” I started to laugh it off but then I caught the sad look in the same eyes that were burning with determination a moment ago.

“I should’ve been there for you sooner, if I had you wouldn’t have had to go through so much pain just to get those Medallions stolen from you.” I placed a hand on his arm.

“It’s ok Dad I’m alright now.” He gripped the handle of his claymore and looked in the distance.

“Get the Medallions so we can seal this thing back where it belongs and go home.

I nodded and turned around only to jump in shock. “D-dad!” He turned around and immediately drew his blade. The Monster began to reform, and shrouded itself in more dark gases but failed and ended up as a giant blob of darkness.

“So it wasn’t enough the first time huh? Alright let’s go for round two!” “Hikaru, it’s keeping the medallions in its arm when I burn it off you make a break for it and grab as many as you can then stay with your friends!”

“Rodger that!” He charged at it again with a flaming sword, it shot its goo like arms at him but each attempt was dodged. With his flaming claymore he leapt into the air slashed a wave of fire directly into its body and sliced it in half.

“Hikaru now, get the medallions!” He shouted. I looked and saw each medallion in a row floating above its sliced body. I darted forward and jumped with my hands forward. Its body suddenly began to shake and close back up, with little time to focus on grabbing them all I grabbed the closest one in the air and landed behind it with my foot nearly getting caught in its body. I looked at the medallion in my hand and saw that it was the Ice medallion. Dad slid in front of me, and stood between me and the monster. I took a couple of steps back and tripped over Kipper’s unconscious head and landed on Marl’s back.

“Well he did say stay with my friends.” I said to myself. I looked up and saw that Dad had dug his sword into the monster back, He swung it upwards and cut it in half again while pushing all the medallions out into the air. I raised my hand to each for them but they began glow a bright light and shot off beyond the cliff I was on and to the land beyond Mawr Mountain. Dad jumped back and turned his head to me

“Hikaru, I love you and I want you to stay strong, be smart and especially stay safe!”

“What are you talking about?” I asked. My question was answered by him raising his blade up and stabbing it into the ground, cracking the ground in between up and causing the cliff to break off.

“I’ll see you again don’t worry!” He shouted.

“Dad jump on!” I called to him, but he only raised his blade to the monster again and cut off another arm. The Cliff slid down the mountain side and hit a bump which made me stumble back and bash my head on a rock. My vision quickly becoming fuzzy the last things I made out were the black arms wrapping around his throat as Dad struggled to get out of its grip as everything went black. “get… off… my… da…d….”

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regismare
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Hey, Hikarufire64. regismare here to review this chapter on this lovely Review Day!

I saw this hanging around the Green Room, so I decided to review it. Here it goes:

I really love the quest element to this. It's set out almost like a video-game, especially how Mawr's body floated up and became the medallion when they'd beaten him, like a boss battle. It's so creative to have a written piece like this, and something I don't read often. I also love how well the characters interact together. Their relationship and their interactions were my favourite part of the story, especially Leon and Marl. I also love the cliffhanger at the end, and the really heartwarming reunion between father and son.

One thing you could work on in this story would be the dialogue and the characters' body language in general. The dialogue and the characters' movements and body language are very cartoonish and unrealistic. Their movements are exaggerated and the kinds of things you don't really see in real life - like throwing stones at peoples' foreheads, and scratching your head when you're puzzled or confused. There are other ways to show the reader that the characters are confused or angry that are more realistic - like facial expressions and more subtle body language, or sarcastic comments. The grammar and overall care taken in this could do with a little work, too - a proofread before you publish this to take care of stray capital letters and missing dialogue marks would do wonders for your work and make it read so much better.

Now, the nitpicks:

Volcano, let alone one that’s about to Erupt

Any particular reason as to why these are capitalised?

Well we have to

Well, we have to

that Flame farting troll

that Flame-farting troll - also, is there a significance behind why Flame is capitalised?

the cave entrance of the mountain.

We don't get much description to this entrance. It'd be good if you could describe it more.

“Oh please don’t tell me we have to walk up that thing; I can already see myself half way up and falling through a crack to my doom.” “I think the others are up ahead.”

Your dialogue rules here are a little patchy. Try separating the two different parts of dialogue with a line break, and having dialogue tags to distinguish who's saying what.

“We have to help, he’s gonna fall!” I shook my head angrily.

Besides anger, we don't know how this is effecting him - besides being angry, he doesn't seem too bothered about this. Show us how he's feeling then and there, rather than waiting a while to do it a few paragraphs later.

hit me with a thrown rock in the forehead.

That's quite an extreme response.

“I’d like that instead of hearing a crack that sends an uncomfortable chill up my spine.”

This read a little unnaturally - it's hard for me to imagine anyone saying this in real life.

“Three people, Me, Myself, and I.”

"Three people: me, myself, and I."

“Hikaru don’t worry I’ll be careful.”

There should be a comma after the word Hikaru.

“GO!

Missing the end of the " mark.

you’re parents

Your parents

Kipper scratched his head with a puzzled look.

This is a bit of an unrealistic, cartoonish movement. People generally don't do this in real life.

shady Bastard

Capitalised because...?

This was a really fun chapter, overall, and it ended on a good cliffhanger. I hope my review was helpful, and keep writing!

-regismare

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Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review · Sun Feb 26, 2017 9:01 pm

Hi, thought I'd take a look at this. I've not read any of the previous parts so if I mention something which you think you've already covered in an earlier chapter then please feel free to ignore me!

Specifics

1. I'm not sure about Incinerate City as a name for a place, partly because it's not the easiest to say but also because it seems like a really negative name and I'm not sure why someone would name a city that? Maybe it's somewhere that they make a lot of money from burning things or creating things to burn though but I just thought I'd flag it.

2.

After leaving Incinerate City through the gates that lead to Mawr Mountain, we arrived at the foot of the mountain just in time to feel it rumble violently through the ground making causing Rick and I to stumble.
Or you could keep making and drop the 'to'.

3.
“Well we have to climb it whether it's erupting or not and besides we have to get that last Medallion before that Flame farting troll gets his ashy hands on it and does something stupid!” I said grinding my teeth and clenching my fists tightly.


4.
“Wow that guy really got to you, what did he do to make you so angry?” Said Rick as he placed a hand on my shoulder, I blew out a huff of air in annoyance and put on a serious face.
The 'said' should start with a lower case as it comes after dialogue and I'd suggest using asked instead since it's a question. I'd also suggest that 'Rick asked' flows much more nicely. Then finish the sentence after 'shoulder' and start a new one.

5.
“Come on Kipper we're going inside!” I shouted to the Gemini.


6.
I slowly walked in behind Kipper and keeping kept my eyes peeled for any unexpected monsters.
Or you could use keeping if you dropped the 'and'. If you do it this way it's a tense switch in the middle of a sentence and that doesn't work.

7.
I turned around to the entrance of the cave to scout out an ambush when I suddenly bumped into to something small that immediately pushed me back.


8.
“Hey there’s Marl and Rick must be with her, let’s hurry up and caught catch up with them!” I darted for the spiraling ledges with Kipper behind me but a faint voice catches caughtmy attention.


9. I'm going to stop nit-picking there and read the rest and give you some general thoughts but you'll need to read this through carefully at some point and fix the tense switches and dialogue tags. If you're not sure how to spot the mistakes, maybe ask someone to do a proof-read for you when you've finished the story. It's the kind of thing you can fix at the end but definitely take a look before you send it to a publisher etc.

Overall

Dialogue - I think my main advice is to make it snappier and you don't need to have a tag after every line of dialogue, especially since a lot of the time there are only two characters talking back and forth so we should be able to tell who's speaking without it. The characters spend a little too much time telling each other what they're going to do and that's not very realistic, especially during an action scene so maybe try to make those parts briefer and slim down any dialogue which is there for the reader's sake, rather than which feels like it's something the character would say at that moment.

Magic - I think the magic elements were nestled into this very nicely and you describe cool things happening without going too heavy on the details. It might have been interesting to see the ice and fire attacks be a bit more unique since that kind of combo is a bit cliche but it was worked into the story very smoothly so I can overlook that and it is a classic combo.

Comedy - I didn't find this very funny, perhaps because a lot of it is slapstick style/ the kind of comedy you find in anime which always feels a bit forced/ over-done.

Telling vs showing - I wanted to point out the below paragraph in particular because it's a pretty dull way to reveal a secret and I think you could find a more fun time/ place to drop this information into the story. It's a very dry paragraph and really kills the fun/ excitement of the battle you just had:

“As I was saying you’re parents are the warriors of the war that took place on this very land. They used their Kingdoms medallion which were forged by the wishes and dreams of the war ending and sealed away the Halo and Horn race that started the war and in the end they brought peace back to the land, though the land was now split into two regions by the mass destruction life still went on and your parents soon left down their separate paths, and by the looks of it they found love down their walk through life and gave birth to each one of you which lead to you four being born with your own powers now. I looked at my own hands and a small ball of frost fire appeared.

Description - There's some lovely description of the magic and the movements in the fight scenes and that's working well for you but I'd love to see a little more scenery described. You're pretty good with the visuals but I'm not getting a strong sense of the sounds or how things feel or whether your characters are tired ad feeling the strain of the battle. Try to widen your senses a little as it will really help you build a strong atmosphere ad get your readers immersed in the story.


In general, this is a tough read because it's still very rough and needs a good proof-read but the magic elements are working well for you and that battle scenes are fast and fun. Maybe try to make the expose a little more realistic/ less dramatic if you can.

All the best with this!

~Heather



And don't forget it's hydrate or diedrate
— zaminami