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Kinetic Crusade Chapter 5 Viento Village

Going forward in our Adventure, Marl and I continued on the path her father told her go leading to a place called Viento Village.

"Hey Marl," I whined. "How much further until we reach Village?" Marl stopped and looked around.

"Dad said that we keep walking down this path until we see a cave, once we get through the cave and cross over a bridge we'll be in Viento Village!" Just as Marl said, I spotted a cave up ahead; as we walked into the cave, I felt a rather strong but refreshing breeze blow through my hair as we walked on through the somewhat dark cave.

We walked out of the cave and looked around and taking notice in the change of scenery, unlike Glacier and Boruto's more wide-open landscapes, Viento was like a forest kingdom with its large trees and different plants ranging in all sizes. I spotted a woman hanging up clothes to dry in front of a small house built out of what looks to be forest material and hanging the clothes on vines acting as a clothesline as we walked by. She put up another T-shirt before she noticed us watching her.

"Oh hi there," she said smiling. "Never seen you two around here before so I'm gonna guess you're new here?" I nodded a yes in response to her question.

"Yeah we're from the towns on the other end of that cave, and we're heading for Viento Village." The woman's face lit up when Marl said that we were heading for Viento and she put down one of the T-shirts.

"Say since you're heading for Viento could you keep an eye out for my son?" I nodded yes and she dug around in her apron pocket then pulled out two green bracelets. "He left these behind again if you see him could you hand these to him," she asked placing them in my hand. "He's got brown messy hair and dark olive skin like mine and green eyes you can't miss him." I stuffed the bracelets into my pocket.

"I'll look out for him miss don't worry." She sighed in relief and then waved us goodbye.

We arrived at the bridge leading to Viento Village, but one look at the bridge had us backing up before we even set foot upon it.

"Oh god, this bridge looks old enough to be in the Harmona museum of all old things!" said Marl. I picked up a stick off the ground, poked one of the planks of wood on the bridge, it cracked and a chunk of the bridge further down crack off and fall into the white cloudy abyss below.

"Well then," I say nonchalantly. "Ladies first?" Marl glared at me and pushed me ahead. We gradually made our way across the old rickety bridge. All of a sudden, I heard a faint snap near the beginning of the bridge and looked back. One of the ropes that held the bridge together had broken off and the bridge began to sway from side to side.

"Oh Crap one of the ropes broke off, RUN!" We ran as quickly as possible across the now collapsing bridge and with each step we took, a plank wooden plank would crack and fall. "Keep going we're almost there!" We were halfway down the bridge already and running as our lives depended on it, and before we could reach the other side I heard a loud Snap and before I had take another step the feeling of a platform under my feet had disappeared. I felt my whole body go cold as Marl screamed to the top of her lungs.

"I DON'T WANNA DIE YET!!!"

I looked up and saw a yellowish cloud dived into the gap and caught us before we fell through the clouds hovering over the abyss. It flew us back up to the other side and dropped us off in front of the Village.

"You two be careful now, see ya!" a voice called out, I looked up and a boy with brown messy hair speeds off on his cloud.

"Wait, hold up you forgot these!" I called to him while holding up his green bracelets, but he was already gone with the wind.

"We'll go find him later," Marl said shaking my shoulder.

"But first we have to get the location of the Medallion, come on let's go." I sighed and continued ahead. We walked into a dark grassy vine covered walkway and on the other side was the most awesome place I had ever seen. The whole village looked like a haven for the creatures of nature, the greenery of the trees brightened the area as the summer breeze blew through the leaves and spun pinwheels and the windmills attached to some houses, and small gleaming flowers moved with the wind.

"Wow what a beautiful place!" Said Marl as she marveled at the beautiful town, a nice smelling fragrance passed by my nose and I noticed the flowers in a fresh garden, I tried to pick one for Marl as a souvenir but when I reached my hand out a rustle in the trees stopped me. A Monkey lowered down from a tree branch by its tail.

"Hold it kid, no touching the beauty of nature!" I retract my hand quickly as he swats my hand away from his flower garden. He looked at the both of us and smirked. "I can tell you two aren't from around here so I'll give you some advice for being in Viento Village, it's breaking the law if you pick a plant you can't eat so if you pick it you pay for it, dearly..." He pulled back the fur on the side of his head, and what I saw almost made me hurl up I had not had yet breakfast. His whole ear severed off in a brutal looking way with bits and pieces still attached to his skull and the rest of his ear stitched up.

"W-what happened?" I asked in a shaken voice.

"When I was a little kid I didn't know the rules yet, and when I saw a girl and tried to pick a flower for her, a strong wind blew by knocking me to the ground and next thing I knew I couldn't feel my ear anymore." Marl and I looked at each other in confusion and the monkey scratched his head. "I know it sounds like I'm telling a story but this isn't any ordinary wind that's blowing by." The monkey crossed his arms, and like a genie in a bottle, he slowly twisted back into the tree and he was gone.

"What was that all about?" Marl said confused.

"Who knows, let's go ask the leader of this village about the medallion." She nodded in agreement and we looked for the chief's house, once we spotted something that looked like one we walk on in. "Hello is the Chief in here?" I asked while knocking on the wall.

"Yes I'm in, what do you need?" we walked in further to see a Raccoon sitting at a desk.

"We wanted to ask you about the medallion, we need to get to it."

"Well the medallion is deep within Viento Valley, but you will need a nimbus to get there and recently all of ours have started to disappear so you're going to have to try and get one yourself." The raccoon mayor said as he shifted around in his chair.

"OK, we'll ask around." We turned to leave but I remembered what the monkey in the tree explained about the odd wind and turned back around to the mayor. "Hey, I wanted to ask you about the mysterious wind that blows around the village?" He closed his eyes and looked down in shame shaking his head.

"That mysterious wind was a resident that lived here long long ago, it is said that he was a simple gardener and lived alone in these woods until a group of criminals stumbled upon his home and demanded that he give up all his crops for his life. When he refused to give up his life's work they murdered him and destroyed his home." He said as he lowered his head.

"How could they just kill someone like that, I know they're criminals but some at least have a heart!" I protested. He laughed a bit and lifted his head back up with a small smile on his face.

"Well it wasn't like he didn't get his revenge because when he died his spirit was full of anger and soon became a violent part of the wind that he lived by when he was once alive. When the criminal began making a base, his partners in crime suddenly began to lose body parts and soon died off because of the powerful of said vengeful spirit that turned the wind into a scythe of revenge."

As the Mayor explained how the criminals were taught a lesson in the end, I smiled in relief, even though the details were gruesome. "Why is he here, and why does he attack people when they pick a plant that you can't eat?" I asked.

"Well you see his garden was not only a place for crops but for flowers and other jewels of nature and he wanted to protect them and so he punishes those who would harm those flowers, and so anyone who harmed a flower would have a small piece of the cut off so that they would be even with nature."

"So it was like an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth?" Replied Marl, the mayor nodded in agreement. All of a sudden a wind blew open the door sending all the leaves and paper in the mayor's house in the air.

"What the hell was that?" I yelled.

"Let's go outside and see what's up!" Marl and I dashed outside to see what was going on outside.

The Village looked like it was being hit by an oncoming tornado and in the center of the village stood the problem.

"Hey look it's that boy that saved us earlier." Marl said pointing at him. I looked at him and noticed his eyes held a blank soulless look. I grabbed the bracelets from my pocket and walked toward him

"Hey you, here are your bracelets!" I tried to put them in his hand but he took a step back. "What's up with you, your mom said that you forgot these!" He backed away slowly as I walked toward him with his bracelets in my hand.

"G-get away from me!" he suddenly grabbed a boomerang on the back of his belt and threw it at me, I ducked the first hit but it came back and struck me in the back of the head.

"What the heck is wrong with you," Marl said yelling at the boy. "He's trying to give your bracelets back!" He turned to Marl and tilted his head to the side as if he was confused.

"W-who are yelling at?" as he eerily began floating toward her I took the chance to throw a punch at him and snap him back to his senses but despite my serious punch to his face he grabbed my wrist and hurled me into a tree.

"That's it, no more Ms. Nice girl!" Marl jumped up, kicked him in his face, and made him stumble back a bit. Marl stood prepared to counter but instead he just stood there with a puzzled expression, an idea popped into my head, which involved Marl's foot and the weirdo boy.

"Hey Marl, what is Foot plus Weirdo equal?" She paused for a second and then ran at the boy.

"It equals my foot breaking his ugly ass face!" she did a High jump kick with her heel and landed right into his nose, and sent his body flying toward a single flower on the ground. Before he could crush the flower, a strong wind lifted him high into the air and a thin streak of light shot through his chest. He started to shake violently and suddenly a big black cloud began to leave the boy's body and dispersed into thin air. His body plunged back down to earth; Marl and I quickly put our hands together to form a human trampoline and manage to catch him in time. I immediately slap his green bracelets back on his wrists and with that his eyes start to gain a green color and brighten up with life.

"Huh, Where am I?" He asked as he looked around.

"You mean to tell me, that after all that you don't remember anything?" questioned Marl.

"Nah but I can sure remember a pretty face like you though," He said with a smirk. "You were in trouble and I had to save you from a giant turtle and- wait why can't I smell anything?" We realized that after Marl did a High Jump Kick to his face, it made his nose go inversed which looked like he tripped and fell on a very hard rock. As Marl slowly turned her head away to hide her guilty face, I turned his head so the back was facing me and held his head with a firm grip.

"This may or may not hurt depending on if you can still feel your nose after this." I rear my palm back, ram it into the back of his head with full force, and hear a "Pop" before I let him go.

"Hey thanks dude, I can finally smell the flowers again!" I gave a smile and helped him up off the ground.

"So what happened before you went zombie on us?" I asked him.

"Well I was riding on my nimbus, and I saw a weird black cloud just floating among the white clouds and when I flew in to check it out the thing came straight at me and that's when I woke up here I guess." I got a little creeped out by the story he told and felt a shiver go up my spine.

I looked over at Marl who had a puzzled expression on her face.

"Hey, have you had any strange dreams lately?" she asked. He stopped and placed his finger on his chin before his eyes widen.

"So you two are the ones I'm supposed to meet!" He said slamming his hand into his palm. Marl and I looked at each other and shrugged. "You see, I had this weird dream, and a voice said for me to gain knowledge on the whereabouts of the Wind Medallion and wait for two more to arrive."

"That's a pretty cryptic dream; mine just said that I have to collect the medallions." I commented.

"Yeah, and mine said that I would meet more people along the way while collecting the medallions." We looked at each other and nodded at the same time.

"So what's your name anyway?" I quickly asked.

"The names Rick, nice to meet ya!"

"My name is Hikaru, I got a feeling it's gonna be interesting with you along." We shook hands and then he turned to Marl who extended a hand out.

"And my name is Marl; it's a pleasure to meet you." He grabbed her hand and flirtingly kissed it.

"The pleasure is all mine." Marl pulled her hand back and placed the top of her Bo staff on his forehead. "Do I look a princess in a castle to you?" his eyes arch in confusion and he turned to me.

"Is she having "her thing" right now?"

A rock came flying in and cracked the back of Rick's head.

"That better mean something else, and fast!" I turned around to see her with another rock in her hand.

"Come on you two cut it out," I said stepping in way of Marl's line of fire. "Rick could you call your nimbus if you can so we can go get the Wind Medallion?" He whistled and the same cloud from earlier came to a stop right in front of us, we all climbed aboard and grabbed hold of it.

"All aboard, let's go!" Rick announced as we shot off toward the Valley beyond the village as the puffy yellow cloud.

"Here we go, to Viento Valley!" 

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
deleted868
Review

Hey Hikaru! I hope this review helps! So, overall, you have a decent story here. The powers of the characters are pretty interesting, and the storyline's okay. Your characters themselves feel a little flat to me. They definitely have distinct personalities, which is a good thing, but they all seem a little two-dimensional; if you wanted to, you could add in a few of Hikaru's thoughts throughout some of the action scenes or conversations to add more to his words and actions. That way, the reader has a little more insight into what makes Hikaru Hikaru.

One thing I recommend you do is add a lot more punctuation in this. Many of your sentences are run-ones and are too wordy. Having long sentences can sometimes be an advantage to having short ones, but you need to add in a few more commas and break sentences down into pieces. For example,

We walked out of the cave and looked around and taking notice in the change of scenery, unlike Glacier and Boruto's more wide-open landscapes, Viento was like a forest kingdom with its large trees and different plants ranging in all sizes.
could easily be turned into multiple sentences, such as
We walked out of the cave, looking around and taking in the change in scenery. Unlike Glacier's and Boruto's more wide-open landscapes, Viento was like a forest kingdom, with its large trees and different sized plants.


This way, the sentences flow a lot better, and the sentences themselves are less wordy, but not too short and abrupt. In addition, you have a few grammar mistakes, especially in your dialogue, but that is easily changed by simply looking over your text a few times. If you take a few minutes to edit this, it would be clearer, and a lot easier to read.

You have the structure of a good story here, you just need to change a few things. Good luck with this novel! I hope this helped!

User avatar
felistia
Review

Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Nit-picks

Going forward in our Adventure, Marl and I continued on the path her father told her go leading to a place called Viento Village.
Okay so I really didn't like this sentence. It's clunky and states things that would better be brought up in their own time during the coarse of the story.

"Dad said that we keep walking down this path until we see a cave, once we get through the cave and cross over a bridge we'll be in Viento Village!"
Same for this sentence. It kinda feels like reading Dory the Explorer. You don't have to state the land marks. Just say how many hours or miles there are to go. It would be exciting to find out about the land marks in good time.


Overall thoughts

Other than a few clunky sentences I felt that this was a really imaginative story. It kinda reminded my of the Far Away Tree series. Anyway, just be sure to work a bit on sentence structure and from stating things that would be best shown and not told. :D

Overall this was a great chapter and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D

This review courtesy of Image



it is quite something to wound someone and then pity their scars
— canopy