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Young Writers Society


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Kinetic Crusade Chapter 3 Boruto Town

by Hikarufire64


I woke up the next morning nervous but ready for my new and exciting adventure, though the thought of leaving my only family kept floating through my mind.

“How will I tell Mom that I’m leaving on some adventure, do I even tell her that I’m leaving?” I muttered to myself.

“And what about Roby, Ollie and the others how will I tell them that I’m going away?” I got up from my bed and changed out of my pajamas and into my day clothes. I packed mostly clothes, snacks, camping equipment from my closet, and a couple of machines I have been meaning to fix for a while.

I grabbed a pen and a piece of paper and write the letter explaining the dream and carefully pinned it to her door making sure I didn’t open the door in the process, all that was left was the tough duty of telling my siblings that I was leaving. I went back to my room, grabbed my backpack and goggles, and went to my little brother's room first.

When I entered his room littered with toys and trading cards all over the floor, he was watching his favorite TV show the Combat Cubs when I walked in. “Hey Hoshi,” I said nervously. “Can I talk to you about something?” He nodded.

“Sure what do you want to talk about big bro?” He asked as he cut the TV off and jumped on his bed.

“Umm...I don't know how to say this but, I might have to go somewhere and it might be a while before I come back.” I stated with a semi-confident tone.

“Are you going to jail because you tried to return that half empty bag of chips you bought from the store that one time?” He then pulled the bag of chips from the side of his bed and placed his finger on some fine print on the back. “Well it said satisfaction guaranteed! How is satisfying if half of it is full of air?”

“Why would I go to jail for returning a half empty ba-” I shook my head and looked sternly at him “I’m not going to jail for that Hoshi give that back I was the one who bought it in the first place!” I grabbed the bag from his hands and sighed. “I’m just wondering if you and your Maya are going to be alright while I’m gone.” He looked down at his bed and drew circles in it with his finger.

“Oh, umm... sure I guess as long as you come back home and visit every now and then if you can.” He said as raised his head with a smile on his face. “And bring me something when you when you come ok?”

“Oh, sure I will umm...are you sure you're ok with it?” I nervously asked him again.

“Yeah I'm alright Hikaru and while you're at it, I hope you kick some serious ass like the Combat cubs on T.V.!”

“Oh you better believe I will!” I assured him with a confident smile. I got up and to walked out the door but not before looking back one more time to see my baby brother's bright face and closing the door behind me.

Next up was Mai, when I walked into her room I saw her smiling and twiddling her thumbs around with her head down.

“I heard you talking to Hoshi and you don't have to tell me anything I know you're going away for a while, and you don't have to worry about the two of us I’ll handle everything!” she said with a burning determination in her eyes.

“Ok but don't be afraid to call up you're big brother for help alright?” I advised. She ran over and hugged me tightly.

“Ok big bro I won’t!” She then playfully shoved me out the door.

“Now all I have to do is leave,” I walked towards the steps and stopped half way before looking toward mom’s door.

“Even though I can't tell mom now I hope she doesn't go ballistic when I leave.” I tiptoed down the stairs and walked to the door and just before I walked out I looked back to see Hoshi and Mai waving good-bye from the top of the stairs. I smiled and turn away trying to not let them see the tears in my eyes, I walked out ready for my new adventure to begin.

As I walked out the door with a smile on my face, I looked up to see the sun was already high up in the sky though no one was outside yet. So I caught the incoming bus heading downtown and watched was I was leaving behind go by on the way to the city entrance

As I got off at the bus stop, I looked across the street and saw Mr. Gyo and Kyo who gestured me to come over.

“Even though you haven’t even graduated from my school yet, this a little intermediate gift before you go.” Mr. Gyo handed me a Iron kendo shinai with iron lines on the corners and an iron cap on the top with a gift-wrapped ribbon tied to the handle.

“Wow thanks Mr. Gyo!” I exclaimed untying the ribbon and holding it within my hands.

“Don't mention it, just have a safe journey and come back alive so you can actually finish!” He called out. I walked away waving to my two kendo teachers, and continued to the gate.

I arrived at the city gates and saw my friends grouped together and standing near the gate with stuff in their hands. Ollie lifted up a big red metal toolbox with my name printed on the side.

“Max, Roby and Bella told me about what happened last night and that you probably had to leave on dangerous journey like that do on T.V. and where there’s danger, there’s more than likely some machines involved.” He placed the toolbox in my hands and smiled. I was about to receive the next going away gift when I heard someone calling out.

“Wait; hold up a minute I’m coming!” Adalene ran down the street with a book in her hand. She came to a halt, walked behind me, and put what looked to be a botanist book in my backpack.

“My sister told me that there are a lot of poison mushroom, berries and plants out there that can kill people who eat them in under five to ten minutes so I grabbed the best botanist book I could find in our library and rushed over here as fast as I could.”

“Wow, under five minutes? That’s so- Wait under five minutes?!” I said hesitantly

Max walked up next to Adalene placed a slingshot and a bag of rocks and firecrackers my hand.

“I remembered when you tried to shoot down that stupid seagull at the beach for me after it stole my lunch but ended up throwing your slingshot at it to actually it back; I wanted to repay you so I saved up some money and bought you this new slingshot at the store, it might come in handy.”

Finally, Roby walked up to me and placed a newly bought smart phone in my pocket.

“Hikaru, Remember when we were practicing kendo in my backyard and I smashed your old phone when I hit your pocket?”

I paused and started to remember the pain of a stick hitting my left leg and pulling out the shattered glass of a phone screen.

“Oh, yeah I remember that...” I grumbled.

“Well yeah, my parents had me use my allowance to buy you a new one I was gonna wait until it was your birthday but since this might be my only chance I might as well give it to you now.” He confessed.

“We really wish we could go with you but if we all leave I could really look suspicious and we also have to keep your mom and siblings on the blind side about you disappearing. We’ll just say you got up ducted by a UFO last that hillbilly guy did last week! Just remember bud we’re all counting on you to save our butts from that thing you dreamt about and remember we’ll be rooting you on one hundred percent, from the side lines, where it’s safe, at a distance.” explained Ollie.

I Looked at the gifts given to me by my friends and I felt my eyes begin to tear up, I heard small sniffles and looked up at the faces of my friends to see tears in their eyes like mine. We had one last group hug with tears dropping on the bright green grass before I broke away and waved good-bye to my childhood friends as I walked out of the town gate and wiping the tears from my eyes.

I walked down the road on a large dirt path with bright green grass and flowers flowing in the winds, each wave of winds made the grass and flowers shine.

Grass I was watching another wave of grass shine when I noticed rustling in the grass, I looked a bit closer and a small shadow shot from the grassy plains and nearly missed my head. The creature landed on the dirt path, it was a small looking creature with the face of a bullfrog with sharp teeth, and clawed feet jumping up and down.

“Human what gives you the right to walk along my path huh?” it scowled.

“Your path?” I said back. “What makes you think this is your path? What the heck are you anyway?” I asked. It proudly puffed its chest out to show its toughness

“I'm a Hodag the most dangerous mythical monster in the world!” I stared at it for a bit and then recognized its face and name and started snickering.

“What's so funny scrawny human!” it said angrily.

“Most dangerous, you mean most ugly I’m pretty sure I saw you as a Halloween costume somewhere.” It growled violently and knocked me onto my back.

“Since you think you’re funny why don’t you fight me you weak human boy!” it lunged at me with its claws but I side stepped out of the way and swung my Kendo right into its face and sent it flying into a tree. I walked up to it and poked it a couple of times to see if it was still alive, it only groaned in pain but didn’t move so shrugged my shoulders and continued walking down the road.

It was starting to get dark as I walked the dirt road alone; in the distance, I saw a big flashing gate sign with the words “Boruto Town” in colorful lights that lit up the night.

Walking through the gates, I was taken aback by how bright the lights were on the buildings. “The buildings are so bright here, they're like giant street lights!” I shielded my eyes while waiting for them to adjust to the bright lights around me.

Once my eyes finally adjusted, I could finally see what the buildings actually looked like. Many had big colorful writing on it and splashed in colors of different shades. Most of the sidewalks had big trees creating shade for those walking under it, and where there should have been big streets and smaller sidewalks there was wider sidewalks and narrower streets.

People walked along the wide walkways mostly in hurry or just trying to keep up with the crowds. And on occasion people in colorful clothing and dresses passed me by on the sidewalks. The whole city seemed to be a festival of colors and expressions.

I looked up at the sky and realized out long I have been outside.

“I need to find a place to sleep, but how will I even find a hotel to sleep at if I don’t even have a map of this place.” I wondered.

Suddenly a loud bell rang and crowds of people looked up to the sky and began going inside, but some kept walking about acting like they never even heard the bell ring.

I started to get worried, I realized they were going inside but I still did not know what to do or where to even go. Someone tapped on my shoulder and I turned around face to face with a girl standing in front of me.

The girl had lightning blonde hair tied up into a Ponytail with two flower clips holding two strands of her hair together on the side. She had yellow tan colored skin and yellow eyes, and she wore a pink Cheongsam style shirt on with a red outline with a light blue skirt with Pink and yellow boots, and carried a one sided strap bag.

“Hey there, you must be one of the tourists visiting right?” She questioned.

For whatever reason I found myself unable to speak, it felt like a rock was lodged in my throat and my voice box was clogged. All I could do was shake my head no.

“What’s wrong, cat got your tongue?” She teased.

I managed to unclog my throat of the mental rock in my mind and finally speak.

“Uh no, I-I was just startled and you kind of came out of nowhere and I just got caught off guard and-” The girl giggled and pointed her thumb at a building across the street.

“Hey I was only joking, why don’t you stay at the hotel with me and my sisters, we’ll be performing at the Boruto Concert Hall later tonight so when we leave to go perform you can come with us?” She suggestively said “And besides.” She continued. “It didn’t look like you knew where the hotel was anyways.”

I twiddled my thumbs and thought about it, she was right I did not have a clue that the building across the street was a hotel. If I was going to make my around this place I would have to be with someone who knew where they were going.

“Ok, sure!” I answered.

“Alright then!” She replied. “Let’s go get you a room!”

She grabbed my hand and dragged me into the hotel building. From the outside, it looked like a small place to stay but the inside was a completely different story. There was a fountain in the center of the lobby with angel statues pouring water from their pots and there were people in suites and professional dresses sitting around on small cushioned benches and a couple others standing near the counter. The atmosphere of the Hotel seemed clean and orderly

We went over to the counter where people trying to book a room crowded it. The girl pushed and shoved her way to the counter where the she rang the bell on the counter. The hotel manager smiled and handed the girl a room key

“Why hello dear, you and your sisters are on the second floor upstairs, and you’re in room seventeen.” The women said.

“The boy behind me needs a room too; can he be added to our tab?” She asked pointing to me.

The Hotel manager turned around in her chair and started shuffling through papers and looking down lists, she turned around and shook her head no.

“Sorry, no more rooms are available but the room I just gave you has two beds so you two and share a room.

“S-share a room, what do you mean? I never even shared a room before, not even with my little brother or sister!” I confessed nervously.

The girl turned around and placed her hand on my shoulder and gently shook me bit.

“You don’t have to think of it as such a complicated thing, we’re just sharing a room it’s not like we’re gonna be living together.” She said reassuringly. “The only thing you’ll have to worry about are my sisters.” She admitted.

“Your sisters? What will your sister say?” I fearfully asked.

“You don’t worry about most of them, just the oldest one.” She fanned her hand gesturing not to worry about. Before I could ask another question about the oldest sister I was whisked to the second floor, walking up the stairs I began to hear girls chatting and yelling, fast paced walking, booming music and doors closing and slamming. A random man in a suite pushed past us in a hurry with his suitcase dropping papers as he hurried down the stairs.

“I can’t stand those girls and that noise I’m going to the cheap hotel at least the bugs there don’t make your room shake like an earthquake is happening.”

We reached the top of the stairs and what I heard earlier coming up the stairs matched that of what I saw at the top.

Girls that seemed to be around fifteen to seventeen were running from rooms to rooms that were across the hall from each other. Most of the girls held colorful dresses and skirts in their arms as they ran from one open room to the other and the others walked instinctively to their rooms without looking up from their smart phones.

“Oh, Marl got a boyfriend before Marcy did, Maria pay up!” One girl called out as we passed through the halls.

“Maria, I can’t believe you and Mary would bet on me getting a boyfriend how could you!” A girl who assumed was Marcy cried out sounding as if she was on the verge of tears.

“Marcy I’m sorry, but it seemed too good to pass up and besides with all your crying it didn’t look like you were getting a boyfriend anytime soon.” Another one I also guess was Maria explained to Marcy

I turned back feeling sorry for the girl that was just bet on.

“Wow that seemed kind of harsh.”

Marl simply shrugged it off. “Not with them it is.” She said blankly

“Marl you better hope Mandy doesn’t find out you have a boy with you, you know how she is about us having boyfriends over!” Another one shouted.

“Hey Marl are you and your boyfriend having a Sleepover?” One of the girls asked sticking her out of the door.

“No, we’re just sharing a room, he didn’t know his way around so I helping him out.”

She replied as she kept walking down the hall.

“Ooo, Who's the cute little brownie boy Marl?” another girl asked walking out of her room and into the other.

“He’s just someone I’m helping out for a while that’s all.”

Suddenly a girl that looked about eighteen stepped in front of us just as we were about to reach the assigned hotel room. She was tall and moderately thick with long braided black hair that went over her shoulder.

“Marl who is this boy that you brought up here, please don’t tell me you’re trying to date boy at your age.” The sister said first sounding stern but more worried as she finished talking. Marl just shook her head with a gentle smile on her face.

“Mandy don’t listen to what the other sisters were saying they were just teasing me, He didn’t know where to go he didn’t even know where the hotel was so I decided to help him out until he could get around on his own.” Explained Marl. “Please Mandy can’t he stay?” She pleaded grabbing my backpack strap.

“I’m a human not a stray animal you know.” I said looking at Marl.

Mandy pinched the upper part of her nose and shook her head.

“This is just like that mangy cat you found in the back alley after one of our performances.” She sighed.

I got a little irritated and spoke a bit louder. “I standing right here and again I’m not a stray animal I’m a Human child!”

They both looked at me wildly as if I said something dumb or crazy. I shrunk down into my shirt as they continued to stare at me with surprised looks on their faces.

“Alright.” Mandy said. “He can stay in your room but you better be telling the truth about him not being your boyfriend, the last time someone brought their boyfriend with them we had the worst concert in town.” Mandy walked away leaving Marl and me behind her.

“Phew that was pretty close, you might’ve had to sleep somewhere else.” She said.

“I probably could’ve paid for my own room after you showed me where the hotel was.” I simply replied.

Marl looked at me surprised. “You have enough money to pay for a room at this hotel?” she asked.

I was a little confused at the way she said that. “What do you mean by enough money? How much is a room here?” I asked her.

“It’s around six thousand to eight thousand dollars for a room at this hotel.”

She said in a matter of fact tone.

My eyes widened a bit at the crazy high price she said a room at this apparent luxury hotel. “I guess I’ll be having a sleepover in your room tonight.” I jokingly said as I walked into the hotel room.

The Hotel room was as clean and neat as the two beds inside. Both sides of the room had identical dressers, pillows and even bathrooms. They also had separate decorated windows with their own views.

“Wow this place is amazing; it’s like a hotel room at Rodney World but with advertising of their characters!” I said expressing my full amazement of the bedroom.

Marl walked over to her bed and untied her hair preparing to go to sleep so I decided to get ready for bed too. I dropped my backpack on the bed, took out my black and red striped pajamas and red slippers and exchanged them for my normal day clothes, pulled my goggles off my head and hung them on the top of the bed.

“Alright, I’m all set for bed!” I announced to Marl.

“Nice PJs but I bet mine can top those!” She playfully protested. I turned around and saw she was wearing a floral pattern kimono.

“Cool right, these are thin Kimono PJs my Dad made for me a while back.” She said spinning around to show off the beautiful floral design on the entire kimono.

“Whoa those are some neat looking PJs Marl!” I said looking down at my own plain looking ones.

“Hey at least your Pajamas are roomy, this Kimono doesn’t have much room inside.”

“What? Oh yeah well they are pretty roomy.” Without any else to say I rolled into my bed which felt like I was sleeping on the softest sheep in the world. I looked over and saw Marl just getting into her own bed.

“Goodnight... Hey wait I just realized something!” Marl said sitting up in her bed.

I sat up in mine wondering what she realized. “What did you just realize?”

I asked.

She looked straight at me with a blushing serious look on her face.

“I... Never asked you what your name is.” I smiled and gave her an embarrassed too.

“Well I never told you my name in the first place, so it’s really my fault.” I admitted.

“My name is Hikaru Miles, I live at Glacier Burg but I’m on this Journey and it’s taken me away from home.”

“Well I guess I’ll introduce myself then, my name is Marl Yoshino and my sisters and I live here in Boruto playing at the Concert hall but we play at other places from time to time.” She said smiling “Well I guess we should be getting some rest before Mandy comes in here to check up on us.” She laid back down rolled over.

I was about to do the same when I had realized something myself.

“Hey, um Marl?”

“Yeah Hikaru?” She answered.

“Thanks.” I simply said before pulling the covers over and going to sleep.


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1162 Reviews


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Fri Jan 13, 2017 3:04 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! :D

is there about to be a love story because i love me a love story <3 <3 (you don't have to spoil it for me if you don't want to, but no matter what I will hope because I'm a sap :p)

Okay! I enjoyed that you showed him saying good bye to his friends and family before leaving on his journey. I thought the interactions you showed with him and his brother and his friends were sweet and I appreciated that you included that in there because it adds a human and realistic quality to the situation.

A couple of quick things about the him leaving part of the chapter.
First, he's leaving? Since when? Kind of like how I said in the last chapter how I felt like I missed a bit between where chapter 1 left off and where chapter 2 picked up, same sort of thing here. Last I remember, he found a medallion and he was like "cool" and went to sleep. :) I don't remember him deciding that he would need to leave. Why does he need to leave? Why does he decide to go? That could perhaps be incorporated into the thought process bit I was trying to show in the last chapter or in a conversation with the friends that helped him out.

Speaking of those friends that helped him out, where are they in this chapter? Did they help with just that one mission and now they're leaving him to finish on his own? Why are they not coming with him? They really wanted to help out before so what changed? Again, I feel like I'm missing a conversation or something explaining this.

Lastly, I think there could be a bit more resistence as he leaves to add some conflict to this chapter. Everything comes pretty easily for him in this chapter, and it's okay to have chapters that are a bit less dramatic and intense, especially if you've just had a chapter that was dramatic and intense (like the sewer scene). But you still need conflict :) Is anyone mad that he's leaving? Could you show some dissent or some conflict with the people he's leaving behind? Does he have any internal conflict about what he's doing? Is he scared? Is he apprehensive? Does he really know what he's getting into? Does he have a plan? What's the plan? Etc.

Moving on ahead... I like this girl he met. She's fun and she seems cute and friendly and I'm already rooting for a romance to happen between them, especially since they're sharing a hotel room :p I liked that you forced a little bit of conflict or at least for things to continue to happen by having him share a room with all of these girls. :)

My biggest qualm with this part of the chapter was that I found it next to impossible to keep all of the new characters and their names straight. Unless I read back through and really studied it, I'm not sure I would be able to tell you who was who and which name goes with which character. I mentioned this in the first chapter as well, so the same thing I said there can be applied here :) I think it's great that you're creating a full cast, but you'll have to be really careful to introduce us slowly and create some balance so we can keep everything straight :)

A few other little things - I still think you can slow down like I've been saying (you're going to get tired of me saying that :p).

I also wanted to point out this little paragraph:

I twiddled my thumbs and thought about it, she was right I did not have a clue that the building across the street was a hotel. If I was going to make my around this place I would have to be with someone who knew where they were going.

THIS is exactly what I'm talking about with inner monologue and his narration because he's the MC + narrator. This is a great execution of that and this is what I want so much more of. I want to see the entire world through his eyes and I want to get a sense of how he perceives his world, what he thinks about his world, and how he feels about his world.

You're doing a nice job with these little plot seeds and continuously adding additional plot elements to supplement the main plot of the story. Very curious to see how this is all going to continue! :D And as always, let me know if you have any questions, if anything I said was confusing, or if you want feedback about something I didn't already mention. See you soon! :D




Hikarufire64 says...


Thanks for all the reviews on these chapters and im looking forward to your next one, and there maybe romance but im not going to get specific, its all planned ahead. But seriuosly i felt like there was something missing at the start of a few of these chapters but i just didnt know what and you thankfully pointed them out to me so now i can start making connections between the chapters.



Carlito says...


Awesome! I'm glad you're finding the reviews helpful! I should be getting to the next one later today :D



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Thu Dec 29, 2016 7:35 am
deleted868 wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm here to get this chapter out of the Green Room on this lovely Review Day, so let's get started, shall we? To start off, wow this is really long! Very impressive, but you might want to modify this into two chapters, since readers may get turned off my the sheer length of chapters. Like Aleta said below, you definitely need to choose which tense you want to write in and then stick to that, since if you don't, you can really mess with your reader and make them very confused with how the actions are occurring, which is not a good thing at all. In addition, there are a lot of typos and capitalizations are rather unnecessary. I recommend that you look carefully over this chapter once more and look especially for run-on sentences, since you have a few of those also.

The one thing I noticed in this chapter was that a few times you didn't separate the paragraphs when the person speaking changed. If you don't skip a line to divide those paragraphs, then your reader can feel very confused as they try to figure out who's speaking and who stopped speaking, which is not good at all since they can get really distracted and not feel like continuing reading your story. I also noticed that some of the dialogue reads as very awkward, especially the beginning with Hikaru thinking about his mother and talking with his brother. His speech seems rather bland and almost robotic-like, which is not how a teenager would be acting, especially around his family. I feel like you should go and back it read more as emotional, since this would allow the reader to see more of the type of person Hikaru is.

All in all, this chapter is decent. The action is alright, although at some parts, it reads a little bit stiff and it didn't really flow, which is something you can definitely work on later. Overall, this chapter is okay, but it could definitely get better if you edited some things! I hope this helped, at least a little!




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Mon Dec 05, 2016 2:32 am
Aleta wrote a review...



Hey, Aleta here for a review. Throughout the story I noticed your contradicting present and past tense. This is noticeable in the first few sentences.

"I woke up"
"I wrote"

When the main character is talking to Hoshi, Hoshi nods. However when the main character asks a question to Hoshi you use said. Is it either present tense or past tense? This is likely to confuse the reader.

"“Are you going to jail, did you try to return that half empty bag of chips you bought from the store that one time?”

This dialogue really interrupts the flow of the sentence. To fix this I would suggest changing it to:

"Are you going to jail cause you tried to return that half empty bag of chips you bought from the store that one time?"

Flow interrupted again in the dialogue:

"“What, no I’m not going to jail for that and give that back I was the one who bought it,”

You seem to add sentences together that don't mix well together in the first place. Here's an easy fix for this:

"What, no! I'm not going to jail for that. (Name), give that back I was the one who bought it."

"Because it said satisfaction guaranteed and this bag isn’t very satisfying if it’s half empty!”

Fix: Well, it said satisfaction guaranteed! How is this satisfying if it's half empty?"

"I smiled and turn away trying not to let see the tears in my eyes, I walked out ready for my new adventure to begin."
*Let them see

Thoughts
--
Although I only looked at the first few paragraphs, I can say some of the word choice does not really make me feel the setting at all. It's a bit bland. Also, you seem to stick sentences together that don't flow well. The past tense and present tense is also a problem. If you could embed the theme or use more descriptive words I think the story itself would be more interesting to read. :)




Hikarufire64 says...


Thanks, this really fixed a some problems i didnt see before!




Noelle, you can lead a writer to their computer and give them coffee, but you can't make them write.
— CowLogic