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Young Writers Society


12+

Kinetic Crusade Chapter 1 Glacier Burg

by Hikarufire64


Four bright shining lights hovered before me as I reached my hand out to the one closest to me that shined the brightest, and as I extended my hand out three other hands extended from the darkness around me and we pushed forward to grab the shining spheres of light.

..H...ru!

..Hi...ru..!

..Hik...aru!

...Hikaru!

I was awoken to the sound of my Mom calling my name from downstairs “Hikaru! It’s breakfast time! Hurry up before your cereal gets soggy!”

My body felt too sore and achy to get out of bed, so I gave up and tried to go back to sleep. That’s until I heard my little brother, Hoshiko, barge into my room. He raced toward the bed, climbing upon it and began to jump up and down, in an attempt to wake me.

“Wake up, wake up, wake up it’s time to eat!” His high pitched voice called out to me.

“Hoshi!” I whined, “Stop jumping on my bed! I’m awake already!” I shout and try to pull the sheets over myself, tightly wrapping within those soft blue sheets. Hoshi’s jumping ceased, as he dropped down over the side, making his way toward the side of the bed I was facing. Resting that light brown face on the edge of the bed, those grey eyes wide and pleading. I placed my hand on his chestnut hair and turned his head towards the door.

“Hoshi..out.” I blatantly groan as he snorted and stomped toward the door. I sigh, relieved, only to hear a loud scream moments later from down the hallway. I immediately jump out of bed, moving quickly toward the dresser to make myself ready, to investigate the noise.

When I saw that nothing was happening in the hallway, I walked down the hall and into the bathroom to get ready for the day. I stood in front of the sink while I brushed my teeth and washed my black tethered hair in the mirror with my ice blue eyes staring back at me. I washed my brown skin and in a final attempt tried to comb the split cowlick in the back of my hair out. I pulled back while feeling the stinging pain of my hair pulled; I heard a loud snap and realized I had broken the teeth off my last comb. “Well that’s the end of that.” I said as I grabbed a towel and began drying my hair with it.

As I walked out of the bathroom with my towel on my head, I happened to look up and see Hoshiko running out of my little sister’s room and Maya dragging herself out. Her black curly pigtails was frizzy and parted and the rest of her hair looked like a horrible bed head and her red and pink day dress was tattered and torn; she looked as if a wild animal from the woods tried to attack her with all the black bruises and scratches on her own brown skin. Her ice cold blue glanced at me with a deadpan look on her face.

“How come I got attacked but you didn’t?” I was about to reply to her question when suddenly called to us from down stairs.

“Hikaru, Maya and Hoshi, get down here before your breakfast gets soggy!” I went to make a break for the stairs but Hoshiko who practically leaped down stairs upon hearing Mom’s call, and tripped me from under my feet. I used my towel to grab onto the top railing just in time and I was left hanging from the banister with my towel wrapped around one of the wooden legs. Maya ran to my aid and grabbed my hand to pull me back over the railing.

“Come on Hikaru,” Maya whimpered as she struggled to pull me up. “You should be more careful, you should know better than to stand near the steps when Hoshi hears the words Breakfast!” She lectured. We eventually made our way down stairs and into the living room, I looked to my left into the kitchen just in time to watch Hoshiko sit at the dinner table and guzzle down our bowls of cereal.

“No not my cocoa snowflake cereal!” I shrieked in horror. Mom, who was washing the dishes, turned around and realized all the cereal devoured; she sighed and looked sternly at Hoshi who had chocolate cereal pieces all over his mouth gave her an innocent look.

“Well growing kids need to eat, Hikaru there’s some more cereal in the cupboards and some milk left in the fridge could you make your brother and sister breakfast again?” She then turned to Hoshiko and wiped his mouth clean from the cereal. I let out a sigh as I walked to the Fridge.

“Sure Mom.” I grabbed the milk, walked over to the shelf, and opened it to get the cereal and put it on the table. Maya took a seat at the kitchen table as Mom rinsed out the bowls. I watched Maya turn to Hoshi and stuck her tongue out at him, and Hoshi in response tried to stick his tongue out back at her but only to end up belching right in her face, Maya wrinkled up her nose and pulled her seat away from him. I tried my best to hide my laughter from her, but she caught me holding it in and she quietly, chucks a wooden spoon and hit me in the head.

Mom and I sat down at the table and started eating our breakfast. I noticed that her black hair was shorter than normal but there was still no change to the small tethered piece of hair above her forehead.

“Hey mom, what was dad like?” Maya unexpectedly asked.

“Why do you ask Maya?” She replied.

Maya looked down at her cereal and at the reflection of herself as if she was having trouble getting it out. “Well Father’s day is coming up next month and well..”

Mom reached over and squeezed Maya’s hand lightly. “I’m sorry baby, I know it’s been tough on you for a while now, you’ll just have to stay home again ok?”

Maya sighed played with her cereal floating in the bowl. “Sure, ok.”

“Hey, how about we go over to Isabel's bakery again?” Mom called to her.

“I tasted all the cakes already.”Maya said lowly as she left the table and went back upstairs.

Hoshi tugged on my shirt from across the table to get my attention. “What’s so important about father’s day?”

I pulled him along as I walked towards the stairs. “They have a celebration for the surviving men of Glacier burg after the war a couple of years ago but since we don’t know what happened to our dad Maya can’t attend it like her friends can.”

“Oh, aren’t you sad about not having dad around?”Hoshi asked with a curious look.

I paused and thought about how I actually felt for a second. “I don’t really know Hoshi, I guess it doesn’t bother me as much as it does Maya.”

I ran upstairs and got my usual stuff on, my Blue backpack and a pair of Brown goggles before running back down stairs and out the door. I walked down the walkway in front of my house and down the street. As I left the small suburbs on a hill heading downtown, I watched the giant glittering glaciers my home is known for float past our beach shore in the clear blue waters as they always did.

Buildings came into view signifying that I had reached Glacier burg’s small downtown area. I walked across the street towards the grassy town square and climbed up nailed in ladder steps leading into a tree house near the town’s water fountain. I poked my head through the wood floor entrance and saw a familiar Persian cat and Beagle sitting in the center of the tree house with deck of cards in both of their paws and a Red Poll bull sitting next to them watching the card battle unfold.

“Morning, Hikaru.” Bella the cat chimed cheerfully while putting down a card. Max grumbled in annoyance, set a card down, and slid it forward.

“Hey Hiki!” Max the dog said with a smirk but frowned when Bella slid two cards forward and flipped them over.

“Hey there Karu.” Roby the Bull added. The game was over as Bella slammed a card down and flipped over three cards that were already out and winning against Max.

“You have to stop fighting her just fight someone else who doesn’t have really good cards.” I said to Max as he pulled together the remains of his card collection.

“I can’t stop fighting her she seems like such an easy target and then bam, she fakes me out and pulls out her big guns!” He bellowed. Roby patted him on the back as Bella shuffled the cards back into her deck and put them in her pocket.

“Well that’s what you get for under estimating a girl!” Bella bragged.

“Hey Karu?” Roby said as he walked to the calendar pinned to the wall. “Aren’t we going to practice today?” Asked Roby as he got his things from the corner of the tree house.

“Oh crap, I almost forgot about Kendo practice!” I replied as I grabbed my and backpack. Max, Roby, Bella, and, I jumped out of the Tree house and started walking to Mr.Gyo’s Kendo Dojo.

we walked across the street towards a old style Japanese house with two giant kendo shinai boards intersecting with the word Gyo’s Kendo Dojo, I noticed a large cloaked man talking to Mr.Gyo and his son Kyo but when he turned around and noticed us walking over, he waved good-bye to Mr.Gyo and walked off. I waved to him trying to get his attention and suddenly I heard loud scream and turned around to see Bella on top of Max trying to claw the fur off his snout.

“I told you to stop stepping on my tail!” She yelled. I looked down to see a shoe print on her tail matching Max’s own sneakers. Roby and I continued to the Dojo, until we got to where Mr.Gyo was.

“Are you two ready for practice today?” He asked while signaling Kyo to set up the Dojo for practice.

“Yes sir!” We both exclaimed. He slid open the wooden door and let us walk right in, Roby pulled a wooden katana from the Weapon rack near the door and I took off my backpack and pulled out my Kendo Shinai. Bella and Max sat with other students off to the side that attended the Dojo too, most were in Kendo practice armor but some were in their normal day clothes.

Mr.Gyo stood in the middle of the floor with his hands behind his back. “Today we will not go by normal kendo rules this will be a test of experience and how far you’ve gotten over the course of your lessons; you will be fighting Kyo to show what you know, Hikaru you will go first.

“Oh me?” I inquired. “Well ok if you say so.” I walked to the side of the room opposite of Kyo who was standing there with his arms folded.

Kyo pulled a pair of twin wooden katana swords from on the wall behind him and crouched down. “You ready to show yourselves?” Kyo bellowed out.

“We’re ready!” The crowd of children called out.

“When one of us fights, we all fight no one is alone!” Mr. Gyo announced. “Let the match begin!”

He chopped the air in between us and the practice match began

Kyo charged at me and started swiping and swinging with both swords, I ducked and rolled back to get some distance between us but he dash forward with both swords crossed. I ran towards with my Shinai pointing towards the ground and half way towards him I slammed it into the ground and used it as crutch to launch myself rolling into the air and over Kyo’s head just as he slashed with both his swords. I landed on my feet but stumbled a bit, the other students were shouting in excitement. “Go Hikaru, don’t give up now.” Bella shouted. “Show that dragon who boss bro!” Max added.

After his failed cross strike, I ran at him and began taking swings at him, I swung at his left leg but it was parried, I swung at shoulder but I was parried again. Kyo’s two swords parried each in coming hit. Knowing that he could not turn fast enough for him to block another attack, I quickly ducked under his counter swing and rolled around him. However, his dragon tail wrapped around my leg and thrown face first into the small rug.

I jumped to my feet and ran toward Kyo who was holding his swords together with their flat sides touching in a batting position. I ducked just as he swung and missed, and leaped into the air above him and slammed my Kendo Shinai onto his head. But to no effect, and only doing so much as a small bump to his forehead. Kyo tilted his head back and head butted me with his dragon horns, which sent me flying back a few, but I recovered and land on my feet though I struggled to rebalance.

“Hit’em with all you got Karu, knock his soc- well claws off!” Roby finally called out.

He ran toward me with a readied sword but I saw an opening and ran toward him as fast as I could and before he could land a hit on me, I did a quick slide under his legs just as he tried to strike me with the broad side of his sword.

Kyo stumbled forward and unable to stop he crashed painfully into Mr.Gyo was standing off to the side. Both Mr.Gyo and Kyo had smashed into the wall Roby stumbled back in surprise he looked at Kyo and his father worryingly. I look over at Max and Bella to see that their jaws have practically dropped to the ground like the other students sitting next to them. Roby looked at the two-dojo masters and then back at me before walking over and whispering.

“Maybe we should leave I think we’ve done enough training for today.” While still looking over to see if their even conscious. I nodded in agreement and signaled Bella and Max to follow, and as soon as we walked out of the Dojo, we darted in our separate directions.

Wondering around town, I walked past a building with a giant wrench on the front that had the words Oliver and Son’s Repairs Parts painted neatly on the wrench.

“Hey I wonder if Ollie and his dad are still in today?” I remembered. I pushed open the glass door and walked into the repair shop with pistons, rotors and many other machinery parts spread out and hung across a sky blue wall.

“Yo Hikaru what’s up?” an British sounding voice welcomed A brown and white horned owl with a pair of goggles around his neck around my height waved to me from behind a giant white counter with a wrench in his feathery hand.

“Hey Ollie, what’s with the flying machine parts?” I asked walking over to the desk.

Ollie on screwed another nut with a special drill piece and the side of the engine on the counter fell apart. “Dad and I pulled in some more washed up machines over at the shore so we’re taking them apart so we can use them to fix some old machines he has up in the ol’ attic.” Ollie explained using a drill to unhinge another screwed on nut. He grabbed a drill and handed to me. “Could help me with this one?” he asked.

“Sure, so where’s your dad?” I questioned.

“He’s back at the beach getting the rest of the machines that are washed up, he told me to disassemble the machines I brought back as soon as I got in the store.” One side of the machine fell off on Ollie’s side and on my side too.

“Hey Hikaru did you see Adalene today?” he asked sounding a bit nervous.

I scratched my head a bit trying to recall if I had seen her today. “No I didn’t see her yet not today anyways.” I answered. “Why do you ask?” I asked back.

He rubbed the back of his head while looking around for an answer. “Uh well, she has a book I um lent her so I was thinking of going to get it back from her and I was asking you to see if you knew where she was at y-you know.” Small beads of sweat started to appear on his forehead for some reason.

“Well maybe you should go look for her later.” I suggested.

“I-I should when I get the chance.” He replied again.

I took off a belt piece and removed a piston from the inside while Ollie used an array of wrenches to take out some nuts and bolts. A few hours later we had take apart every machine he had brought back from the beach. I walked out the repair shop and waved good-bye to Ollie through the glass window.

It seemed like I had done everything I could do today when I immediately remembered I had a book to pick up over at the library, I traveled down to Adalene’s Library and popped my head in.

“Hello anyone here today?” I called. I walked in and continued into the mystery book section, I picked up the book out of a basket labeled “reserved” and walked to the counter.

“Welcome come on in!” A Caucasian girl yelled with big glasses popped up from behind the desk counter. I nearly jumped out of my skin from Adalene’s surprise attack; I was clutching the book to my heart with an intense grip.

“Oh sorry Hikaru I didn’t think you were coming in yet I thought you were Ollie!” She apologized in her French accent.

“You really need to stop doing that Adalene, you could give an old person a heart attack that way, or you could give Me a heart attack that way.” I warned her. I remembered that Ollie was wondering where she was so I brought it up as I was putting the book on the counter for it to be checked out.

“Speaking of Ollie he was asking where you were too!” I admitted.

“Oh really, he was?” she said a little surprised. “I guess he came here earlier when I was out with Abella but went back home when he saw I wasn’t in yet.” She explained.

“Yeah that must’ve been the case then, whelp see ya later!” after having my mystery book stamped and checked out I waved her goodbye and she waved back as I walked out the door.

Jumping on the nearest bus at a bus stop, I sat down and watched the places I have been to fly past. Eventually the bus stopped at the corner near the walkway back to the suburbs As I was walking I spotted the same-cloaked figure from before standing on the corner across the street and he seems to be watching me. I stopped running and start to walk attempting not to be followed and taken by surprise. As I was walking, he slowly began to follow me I saw Ms. Isabella’s bakery open and I quickly walked in hoping that he would not follow me in here. I ducked under a table while looking up out the window waiting for him to pass by but to my surprise, he disappeared.

“Who the hell was that?” I whispered to myself in wonder.

“Oh hello Hikaru,” A delighted voice said as I heard a plate hitting the table. “What good timing you have, I just made some Red velvet cake wanna to try some?”

I crawled from under the table and look at the counter to see Ms. Isabella with a slice of Red velvet cake on a plate.

“Well since I'm here I might as well get one.” I felt my stomach grumble as she handed me a slice of cakes, the smell flowed into my nose and I took a bit of the red pastry as I walked out the store.

I walked home cautiously with my book in hand while peeking around every corner and licking my fingers of red cake. As I walked through the door, Hoshi immediately tackled me to the ground and patted me down like a captured criminal.

“I smell red velvet cake where is it!” He demanded while searching through my pockets and pulling my goggles back to search in my hair and then snapped them onto my eyes. I pushed my goggles back to my forehead and picked up my book as he jumped off me, and ran back into to the house. My sister walked over and pulled me up again. We walked back to the house and as I got in the door, I heard Mom ask me.

“How was your day?” In a kind manner, I just said the usual response I would say when I got home.

“It was fine.” I said, skipping the fact that I wrecked Mr. Gyo’s Dojo just a while ago. I ran up stairs and caught Hoshiko lifting up my mattress and pulling out a picture; I ran over and snatched it out his hands.

“Hey I was gonna look at that!” He exclaimed while trying to grab it back from me.

“No one gave you permission to look through my stuff Hoshi if you want to look at something go look at your toys!” He runs back down stairs with a mad expression on his face as if he was going to tell mom but I ignore that thought.

I dropped by book on the dresser to read it later and flopped on the bed with the picture still in my hand; I lazily glanced at the picture of a dragon and put it on my dresser. But quickly picked it back up and stared at it, In the photo was my mom and a dragon with two other people along with them at what looks to be an alter. The Dragon in the photo had a messy fiery yellow dragon mane and long smoke white horns. His open right eye had a claw mark running over it, his snout had a long claw mark on the top, and tuft of fiery yellow hair on his chin.

He had two set tones of scales, his outer scales were a fiery red color and his inner scales were sandy beige. He also had a black and red tuxedo, and was standing in an altar next to Mom who was in a pure white wedding dress. It looked like he was at a wedding with Mom and they were getting married. Mom never really liked to talked about our Dad a lot though I never asked her about him a lot either.

“Why she leave a photo of our Father under My bed?” I asked myself “did she want me to find it eventually?” thousands of questions went through my brain but one question stuck out to me the most. “...Where is he now?” With so much to think about and too, much to process even with my own mental capabilities I sighed and got into my black and red striped PJs I had on this morning and went to bed early. “What else am I gonna discover.” I sighed again before falling asleep with boundless question beating inside my mind.


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Fri Jan 06, 2017 2:27 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello hello! Here as requested! :D

I think there are a lot of interesting elements to this opening and you've started to plant some interesting seeds here! I enjoyed how you showed the relationships between the MC and his siblings. That was fun and I like that I already have a feel for each of their personalities and how they interact with one another. I also liked that you started with a "typical day" for your MC. The common advise is to start when everything changes for your MC, and I think that's great and there shouldn't be much fluff before things get going, but I personally like to have at least some establishment of normal before everything gets crazy. You did a nice job setting up what life looks like for this character. But within that normal day, you've planted some interesting seeds with the mystery behind the dad and this mysterious person watching our MC.

A few big picture plot things to keep in mind:

The opening with a dream/the MC waking up. I have mixed feelings about this. Beginning a book with a character waking up is very cliche, meaning lots of books have this kind of opening. For the most part, you want to shy away from the cliche because you want your book to stand out from the rest. The dream adds an interesting element though. If this dream is going to have some relevance to the greater plot (you'll know if that's the case better than anyone), then I say it stays because it's an Easter egg and it's foreshadowing and both of those things are yummy in novels. If it's really just a dream, I say get rid of it and try to think of a more dynamic opening. If it stays, I would try to differentiate it from the rest of the prose in some way so the reader knows from the beginning that it's a dream (you could do this by putting it in italics). I was a bit confused at first because I thought the stuff with the light was really happening and I was trying to get my bearings and then it was a dream.

There are several events in this chapter and it's a little difficult to keep them all straight. I've lost track of all of the characters that were introduced in this chapter and all of the different singular events in this chapter. This happens so easily in early chapters and early drafts as you yourself are still trying to figure out exactly who your characters are and what direction things are going to go. When you go back to revise, think about what you want the overarching point or idea of the chapter to be - maybe it's introducing the dad mystery and the creepy man watching the MC. Maybe the MC discovers the first dead body. Maybe the MC meets the love interest. (obviously not all of those example apply to your idea) :) Then, think about the specific scenes that have to be included in order for that plot point to happen and make sense. Try to be as concise as possible. Remember, this is the first chapter. Your job in this chapter is to introduce the MC and introduce the main conflict. You will have the whole rest of the novel to show us all of the other awesome characters and the awesome world and everything else, so try not to overwhelm the reader now. Give us just enough to make us want to keep reading on :)

Stylistically wise, I think you're doing a nice job showing the basics of what is happening. Where you're running into a bit of trouble is that it begins to sound like telling because the MC is saying this happened, and then I saw this, and then this happened. Instead of it flowing and feeling like we're there with him. This can be a tricky thing to do and it takes a lot of practice! One thing I would love to see more of is voice. First person is awesome because we can get deep into the MC's head, and I live to get deep in an MC's head. I want to know what your MC is thinking and feeling pretty much all the time. I want to know how he reacts to his environment and how he reacts to others. He is driving the boat. He's telling the story. Bring out his personality through the narration and show us this MC by the way he tells his story. This is a YWS article I really like about writing in first person. This] is another article I really like about adding emotion and depth to a scene. They might be able to explain things better than I can.

I'm going to leave things there for now, but I'm looking forward to reading on to see how all of this develops! I'm curious to learn more about this MC and I'm curious to see what these little plot seeds grow into :D

Please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! And please let me know if you want feedback about something I didn't already mention. See you soon! :D




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Thu Dec 29, 2016 2:54 am
erilea wrote a review...



Hello, Hikaru! Lupa here for Review Day! :D

First of all, your chapter has a ton of "I did this then I did that and then someone said something." Change your sentence structure, which is not varied and mostly the same thing over and over again.

There's also confusion here as to what these characters are. Are they some animal-human hybrid? Hikaru sounds humanoid enough, but what about Bella and Max? You never exactly mention anything about what they are (or if you did, I missed it). Please add that information to keep your reader clear as to what's going on. Me, I was startled when Bella hollered that part about stepping on her tail. :P

In addition, you capitalize a lot of things that don't need to be capitalized (for example, My and Toys). You can capitalize names and places, but regular nouns don't need to be capitalized.

Like Kaos said, I see a lot of grammar details that you have missed. Touch up on that for me. :)

Your idea is good, and the mystery at the end intrigues your reader. But what you make up for in ideas you lack in other places, such as imagery. Try not to focus so much on what the characters are doing or thinking; instead, consider their surroundings or anything that appeals to the five senses.

I hope I helped with this review. Have a wonderful Review Day!

XOX,
Lupa22




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Wed Nov 30, 2016 11:08 pm
Virgil wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

The first thing that I noticed while reading through this is an amount of grammar errors. I suggest using a grammar checker to catch these kinds of things, but they don't catch everything, so don't fully rely on them and instead you should try and get good at proofreading your work as it is something worth putting time into. Something else that I wanted to touch on

For the actual chapter and onto its content, something that I felt was missing in a sense is imagery. Sure, you describe colors and everything of that sort, but you don't really tap into things like sensory details or figurative language. Sensory details are what they sound like, details of the senses, and they help immerse the reader better into the story as well as create an atmosphere. This would do well at setting up the tone of the story.

Though I'm not really fond of the whole main character waking up at the start of the story cliche which gets really old and just feels kind of a cheap way into a start, I thought the rest of this did good at setting up for a story, more particularly the ending of the piece which leaves some mystery behind. It introduces some of the plot and some of the characters, and that's what it should do. The ending of the chapter is stronger and I would like a stronger start to this, but that's something I want to note.

I hope I helped and have a great day!




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Sun Nov 27, 2016 11:12 pm
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya! Casanova here to do a short review for you!

The first thing I thought of when I lookked at this was this was a big, long one paragraph. Then realized that it was just a group of large paragraphs. These are really eye sores, and are easy to get rid of. Alwayss break a paragraph when there's a different thought, idea, and/or there's dialogue. And I think it's the first two here that you mess up on, and I think you could remedy this by looking back over your paragraphs and seeing where you switch!
Your plot was decent, and I somewhat enjoyed the story.
I felt like the info section at the bottom, and the explanatory stuff could have been imputed into the story, and that would have made it better.
The characters are alright, but not the best in the world. I could see you doing more than just this with them.
That's all I have

~Cas





Being a hero doesn't mean you're invincible. It just means that you're brave enough to stand up and do what's needed.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena