The Refreshing winds flows through my hair as we make our way through the Valley of Wind to find the third Medallion. As we flew through the air on Rick's nimbus cloud, I notice small puffballs with small tails seemingly swim through the air.
“What are those?” I ask, pointing forward. Rick holds his hand up as one of the puffballs slowed down and laid right in his hand.
“These are Nino Nimbuses, they are a younger form of a nimbus cloud that hasn't matured yet and it looks like they're just learning to fly too.” Rick explained as he let the Nino Nimbus in his hand fly with the others.
“Wow Rick you sure do know a lot about this place!” said Marl.
“Well; when you live in a village that thrives with nature, you learn a lot about the things around you.” I see Rick begin to smile as we slowly sped up on the nimbus. I watched the Nino Nimbuses fly by as we soared past them on Rick's Nimbus cloud. Further, up ahead through the mountainous valley on a flat platform were two figures that seemed to be sparring in an intense battle. I reached forward and tapped on Rick's shoulder and he turned his head. “Huh, what’s up Hikaru?”
“Rick look down there,” I said pointing at the platform. “I think someone is sparring with someone else?” I watched Rick glance at the platform and a small grin appeared on his face.
“Well how about we go down there and check it out!” He pushed down on the Nimbus and we took a hard dive toward the stone platform and quickly swept along the ground before coming to a stop and resting on the ground.
“Hey Hikaru!” A familiar voice called.
I heard a foot step and turned around to see a dark brown scaled dragon with a grassy green mane standing there with a big toothy grin on his maw. “What are you doing all the way out here?” I turned my head to where the voice came from, and to my surprise, it was Kyo!
“ Kyo that’s a funny question! I was about to ask you the same thing!” I ran up to him and gave him a bear hug, I then looked for the second figure.
An aqua blue-scaled dragon in a blue long sleeve Cheongsam shirt walked up behind Kyo. “Hikaru, how have you been?” a somewhat deep voice asked.
“Hey Mr.Gyo, I knew Kyo couldn't have been sparring without you.” As I conversed with my old Kendo teachers, I look over at Rick and Marl who stood idly by the Nimbus. I waved and gesture them to come over. “These are my friends, Marl and Rick.” Marl took a step forward and bowed.
“It's nice to meet you. I see where Hikaru gets his fighting skills from.” Rick slightly pushed her out of the way and reached out for a handshake.
“Hey my name is Rick, so what are you two doing out here in a place like this?” Kyo looked as if he was about to reply but his Father stopped him. With a seemingly innocent smile, the Dragon gave a wink to his son who nodded in response.
Kyo walked to a more vacant area part of the stone platform and closed his eyes, his green dragon mane hair slightly rose as smaller stones around him started to rise into the air. He put his hands out in front of him and a aura surrounded them. With the small moment of silence came a rumbling sound, the flat stone platform began to crack apart and suddenly a giant pillar of stone shot from the ground and levitated in the air as we stood their in surprise. The dragon looked
“Whoa, what was that?” I said in shock.
“That Hikaru was the power of GeoKinesis but it is the power of Kinesis in general.” He said with a smile.
“Isn't that the power that we had long ago?” Marl asked.
Mr. Gyo answered with a nod. “It is, but this isn't one of the more known about ones that are told of in books,” He said as he raised his hand and formed a sphere of water.
“This just one of the many others which went untold of for generations.”
“Hey could you teach us how to use Kinesis?” Rick said with excitement in his voice. Mr.Gyo paused for a bit, as he looked at the three of us.
“Very well but it won't be easy and will take years of practice before you can truly use it. He pulled us into a line and stood in front of all of us with Kyo at his side.
“First, you must close your eyes and concentrate, look deep within yourselves and find the power that is in your very soul and pull that power to the light and focus that power into a weapon,” His eyes locked onto me. “Hikaru you'll start us off.” I was a little surprised that he would want me to kick this thing off; I looked to my right to see Rick and Marl looking back at me and waiting.
“Ok I can do this all I need is to focus.” I quietly said to myself
I closed my eyes and began to concentrate, I held my hands out in front of me and I felt my mind trail off deeper into darkness. Suddenly a small blue flame lit itself and began to burned in front of me, as I reached my hand out it began to grow bigger and bigger and felt I my hands and arms grow cold and before I could pull back, the flame had engulfed me. I slowly opened my eyes and felt a radiating coldness in my hands and saw a ball of blue fire hovering just inches above my palms.
“Very good Hikaru and Congratulations you have the power of CryoKinesis!” Mr. Gyo exclaimed as he patted my shoulder. “Ok Marl now it's your turn, remember what I said Concentrate and look in your soul to find your own power.
“Alright I’ll try.” Marl closed her eyes as I did and cuffed her hands together. Before long, she slowly uncuffed her hands and revealed a ball of static electricity crackling in between her palms. “Ah, I see you have the power of ElectroKinesis interesting, that power has much history.” Mr. Gyo toward Rick but I instead looked at Marl who had look of disappointment. But before I could ask what was wrong a sudden strong gust of wind blew the words out of my head as I looked in Rick's direction to see that he was holding a ball of spiraling winds before he disperse red it with a look of glee spread across his face.
“Hey hey looks like we got quite the trio here, I suppose I don't have anything to worry about anymore now that I know you all have powerful gifts bestowed upon you to get you through even the toughest battles!” Mr. Gyo gave us a proud smile before he walked away.
Rick who had a slightly confused expression took a step forward as if to walk after him. “Wait that's it? No super special techniques or ultimate powers?” Kyo looked back as his father kept walking back up the rocky trail with an annoyed look.
“Listen that's not all he's gonna teach if you keep pushing for more, you'll gain more in due time so quit being so hasty.” Kyo continued to walk after his father and soon they were out of sight. Rick pouted as he crossed his arms.
“Cheap old timer...” Rick said lowly before walking right into a raised wall of stone.
“I heard that twerp!” echoed the voice of Kyo. I snickered a little before Marl and I climbed back onto the Nimbus, and waited for Rick to take us forward.
“Did you see that,” said a shocked Rick. “That son of his got some serious hearing!” I just laughed as the Nimbus rose up into the air and shot off deeper into the valley.
We soon came to a large vine covered wall with a cave at the end of the mountainous green Valley. Rick began to slow the Nimbus down little by little, as we came closer to the cave. Rick parked the Nimbus in front of the Cave entrance and we bounced off the cloud and onto the ground.
“This must be where the next Medallion is.” said Rick as he walked into the cave without us, Marl took a step forward but I put my hand out in front of her to stop her.
“Hold up and give it a minute.” She stepped back and waited, soon I heard the scream of a little girl and Rick came running out.
“Ahhhhhh, somebody help me!” He jumped forward and landed on his face while he covered himself with his arms. A storm of bats came flying after which flew out of the cave screeching and flapping away.
“Yeah I had a bit of a run in with bats in a cave before on a dare back home so I saw that one coming.” I said to squash any incoming question from the two companions. Marl nodded and grabbed the still quivering Rick by his arm and dragged him along the ground and into the cave.
Upon entering the cave, loud droplets of water echoed as it’s accompanied by our footsteps. I turned to look behind me and saw that Rick had his hand on the big Boomerang on his waist.
“Rick there aren't any more bats showing up I swear.” I reassured him as I placed my right hand on my heart. Rick looked at me skeptically and then his eyes shot up upward.
“Then what's that right there!” He said shouted pointing ahead.
“Holy Crap!” I immediately ducked down and shielded myself with the Iron Shinai, but thankfully, nothing came down on me except for a droplet of water. I then started to hear Rick chuckling.
“Hahaha you fell for it!” He walked ahead of me while pointing at me while laughing. Marl pulled me up by my arm and gave Rick a look.
“You're such an ass sometimes.” She said in an annoyed tone, Rick turned on his heel and crossed his arms.
“Hey he let me walk straight into that Bat Trap!” He argued.
“You walked in before I could stop you, remember!” I snapped back Rick looked like he was about to say something back but instead he put his finger on his chin as if to recall that event and then he gave a look of embarrassment.
“Oh yeah, well sorry about that I guess I was just mad.” He said apologetically. I walked up to him, placed a hand on his shoulder, and smiled.
“Hey no problem, besides I should've been quicker about warning you of the bats so next time I will.” Rick wrapped his arm around my neck and hung it off my shoulder with a bright smile plastered on his face.
“No problem bro, you got my back and I've got yours!” Marl then walked in front of us and clapped her hands together with a nice smile on her face.
“Well now that we have that done and over with let's get this medallion and head onto the next.” We all nodded in agreement and began to walk a few steps before Rick abruptly stopped in his tracks.
“Hey Rick what's up?” I asked concerned. The cave goes quiet except for the drops of water as Rick turned his head and looked around.
“Don't you hear that?” we stayed quiet for a second and then we started to hear a faint gurgling sound. “Get Down!” Rick shouted before he tackled Marl and I to the ground as a large shadowy figure nearly missed our head and landed just in front of us.
I lift my head up to look in front of us to see a growling four-legged creature with fiery red eyes and messy grim covered fur.
“What the hell is that thing?!” Marl said in a terrified voice. Rick stood up and pulled his Boomerang from his belt.
“It's a Cadejo, they used to be pure white and friendly and lived in the valley but up until few weeks ago this dark purple gas came along and swept through the valley and they crawled into this cave.” Stated Rick, the Cadejo growled while showing his bright razor teeth before lunging at Rick with his jagged claws extended.
“Not so Fast, Spark Shot!” Marl ran in front of Rick, raised both her hands, and Shot a bolt of Lightning from her Palms, which sent the Cadejo into a stalactite. She turned her head toward us. “Remember? We got Powers now!” It immediately clicked in my head that we had learned to use our Kinesis just a while ago, and now it was time to put it to good use! The Cadejo got back on its hind legs, shook off the lasting static from Marl's lighting strike, and charged at us with a Body tackle. We did not have enough time to get out of the way and we were sent flying into a wall. I landed on the ground with a thud, spot the grim covered beast land on its paws, and lean its body back for another attack.
“You really need to Chill Out, Frost Fire!” I raised both of my hands and blue flaming balls of fire appeared in both, I launched four fireballs at each of its paws and a hard ice covered them all and freezing the mad canine in place. “Rick now's your chance!” I shouted.
“Time for you to get spayed Mutt, Aero Slash!” Rick raised both of his arms apart and did a cross chopping motion and launched an X shaped blade of wind at the Cadejo just as its front paws broke free of the Ice and was sliced into four pieces before dispersing into purple spores and disappearing. We got up off the ground and cracked our backs and knuckles before we walked down the cave.
“You need to Chill Out, Seriously Hikaru?” Marl said jokingly. I shrugged my shoulders as I feel a strip of blush appeared over my nose.
“What, I couldn't think of anything I panicked!” I said innocently. “At least I didn't say the Spade thing Rick said!” Rick's face became surprised and frantic and he began pointing back at me.
“I only said because you said it and that spaded one was pretty Cool Huh Hikaru?” I started to Laugh at Rick's crappy joke but Marl shook her head and shrugged her shoulders.
I kept laughing without noticing the room we had walked into and suddenly tripped on the tail of something and before I could jump to my feet the Tail of that creature wrapped around me and threw me into Marl and Rick who thankfully caught me. The creature went from standing on all fours to standing on its hind legs, the giant wolf like beast had pieces and bits of put together armor all over its body and most of its armor was bamboo and straps of tied vines and to feathers pierced in its canine ears. It's dark-grayish fur flowed with the wind as I watched its black pupils dilate and fix upon Me, Rick and Marl.
“I am the Guardian of the Wind Medallion.” It said in a cold deep voice.
“At least it's not crazy like the first two guardians, those two acted like it was years since they had a fight!” I whispered to Marl.
“You have fought Boreas and Raijin already? I must be your next obstacle to achieving your goal eh?” It said while sounding as if it added a little more character to itself. Rick took a step forward and stuck his hand out. Marl and I already expecting the next event in this conversation got out weapons out and got in a readying stance.
“Well if you don't mind, we would like to have that Wind Medallion without having to fight; I don't want to fight an animal.” Though Rick seemed as serious as he was ever going to get, the giant Wolf guardian simply closed his eyes and a sinister toothy smile appeared on his muzzle.
“It has been years since I had a good fight for this Medallion and I'm not going to let some ragtag bunch of twerps stop me from having one last battle for the old green coin, Fight for your life or become another tortured guest within the medallion!” The Guardian got on all fours and Roared at us while covering Rick in Wolf drool and spit in the process.
“Wow we went from Bat shit crazy to Ape shit crazy!” I said as I tightened my grip on the Kendo Shinai.
“Rick get back before it attacks!” Marl shouted. She raised both her hands and shot a bolt of lightning at the Guardian's face and hitting it in the corner of its eye causing it to recoil and stumble back in pain.
“Nice one Marl, I'll keep him in place while you and Rick attack!” I ran at the Wolf with a growing ball of Frost fire in my hand.
Before I could freeze even a piece of him in place, it shook off the pain in its eye and slashed its claws in my direction and a wave of razor wind was sent in Rick's direction.
“Rick Look out, it's headed your way!” I yelled to a still saliva covered Rick; I jumped in front of him and shot my hands forward. “Scratch on this, Frozen Guard!” The Frost fire in my hand had disappeared and Shards of Ice covered in blue flames began to appear and piece together into a large snowflake round shield that blocked the wind attack just in time.
“Thanks Hikaru I owe you one.” Rick said as he started to gather up currents of wind.” I nodded and dispersed the shield before rushing at the guardian again to freeze its legs. The wild Canine quickly raised both of its arms and began rapidly slashing the air, which sent dozens of wind blades at me.
“Hikaru need some Air time, Fleeting Wind!” Rick yelled as he threw streaming current of air into me. I felt breezes of wind blow around me and took my chances at jumping the wind attack; I was stunned at how high I was taken by the winds. As I went higher up, I gathered up a decently big ball of Frost fire and dived at the wolf with the Ball of Frost fire above me.
“Get frosted on, Frost Fire!” I dunked the freezing ball on its head, which enveloped it and froze it solid down to its neck.
“Your light are about to get shut off, Ereki Tap!” Marl dashed toward the now half Popsicle Guardian with sparking electrified hands and thrusted them at its chest and lit the Guardian up like a light bulb and giving us a view at the Canine's Fractured skeleton before it fell over in a pile of its own electrically charred fur.
“Alright we did it we won!” I shouted as I jumped for joy.
“Yeah and it was all thanks to our new powers, otherwise we would've been someone's new chew toy.” Rick said jokingly, Marl walked up with smoky but static sparking hands.
“Does anyone else smell burnt dog?” she said with a smile beginning to open upon her face.
Suddenly the wolf exploded into another rainbow of colors that swirled around like strands of wind. “I guess he's in the dog house now!” I said a wry smile. Rick looked toward me with a look. “Really Hikaru?” I shrugged my shoulders but noticed Marl trying to hold back a laugh but busted into a fit of laughter.
“That's got to be the best one I've heard yet, I have to admit that was a good one!” she said and continued to laugh. Rick broke out a smile, walked over to the Green shining medallion, and placed his hand on it. Before we could do anything, a burst of bright light swallowed us and we quickly covered our eyes as before. When we opened them, we stood on a canyon cliff and above us, the wolf Guardian stood on a higher cliff with Boreas and Raijin at his side. They nodded to him and he looked down upon us before closing his eyes and giving us a cocky smile. As he opened his mouth to say something the light came in and swept me and marle away first before Rick was taken in. We open our eyes to see that the wall that the Aero Medallion was attached to had crumbled and revealed a path to the other side of this Valley.
“Ehecatl...” Rick said aloud, he shook his head and looked around. “Let's get out of here this place it giving me chills, no offense Hikaru.”
“None tak-- Hey!” I shouted in protest. Marl grabbed both of our arms and pulled us outside to the other side of the valley. We walked onto the edge of a long rocky slope, looked out to see a sea of jungle trees, and spotted a very familiar looking spot on the other side of the jungle.
“That looks like town and past that must be where the last medallion is!” Marl said with excitement.” Rick shot his hand out and pointed out onto the jungle.
“Look out Medallion here we come!” I looked at him over his shoulder with an annoyed look.
“Hey that's my line!
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
Okay so first you don't need the capital on "refreshing" and I also think you need to take out the "s" from either "flows" or "winds".Nit-picks
Grammar and Punctuation
There are a few places where you need to fix the grammar and spelling. Just have a read through and check for mistakes.
Overall thoughts
This kinda feels like a video game turned into a novel which is an interesting idea. It's got lots of description about the world and many of the details are so imaginative.
Your dialogue does feel a bit stunted here and there and I'd make sure to read though and check for spelling mistakes. Also when you're reading though, check for sentence's that don't read right. Your tongue will trip on them when you read aloud.
Overall this was a great chapter and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Hey, Aleta here. I have not read the previous chapters from your story so I guess I'll just pick it up from here to review it.
Corrections
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“What are those?” I asked pointing forward; Rick held his hand up as one of the puffballs slowed down and laid right in his hand.
C: "What are those?" I ask, pointing forward. Rick holds his hand up as one of the puffballs slowed down and laid right in his hand.
Explanation: The semicolon makes the sentence too long and and awkward as well. You also used present and past tense which is quite confusing, so I fixed it to present tense unless you are going for past tense. Pointing, the present tense, and held the past tense makes it confusing for the reader.
“Well when you live in a village
C: Add a semicolon after well.
a hard dived toward
C: I think you already notice the problem with this.
as I conversed with my old Kendo teachers I look over at Rick and Marl who stood idly by the Nimbus.
C: Capitalize this sentence.
“It's nice to meet you; I see where Hikaru gets his fighting skills from.”
C: Unnecessary semicolon. Split up the sentence.
"Ok I can do this; all I need is to focus.” I quietly said to myself"
C: Unnecessary semicolon.
Observations
~
I saw Rick begin to smile as we slowly sped up on the nimbus.
O: Clearly she does see him smile, unless she is blind.I suggest taking this out completely but of course it's your call.
“Hey Hikaru,” A familiar voice asked.
O: So, is he questioning him or not? Because there is no question mark. And if there was it would look like this: "Hey Hikaru?" A familiar voice asked. Which is still wrong considering the reader knows he is asking something. Is this guy greeting the character or asking a literal question?
“ Kyo, and you're asking me, I was about to ask you the same thing!” I ran up to him and hugged, I then looked for the second figure.
O: Overall, this sentence just looks awkward. It bounces all over the place and doesn't stay consistent whatsoever. Here's a fix.
"Kyo, that's a funny question! I was about to ask you the same thing." I ran up to him and gave him a bear hug. I then looked around for the second figure.
“Hikaru, how have you been?” a somewhat deep voice asked.
“Hey Mr.Gyo,
O: Seems like this Mr. Gyo guy came into the conversation a little bit too quick. That is just my opinion though.
Kyo walked to a more open part of the stone platform and closed his eyes and put his hands out in front of him, with the small moment of silence came a rumbling sound and suddenly a pillar of stone shot from the ground and surprised us all.
O: This leaves me hungering for more imagery. It was too sudden. Here's an example of using more imagery in this:
Kyo walked to a vacant area of the stone platform etched with the emblems of(idk, add something here?). His pupils dilated like that of a cat's and his hands began to convulse.
Kyo tilted his head backward, the sunlight illuminating one half of his face. At that moment, time seemed incline to stop just in this moment in appreciation for Kyo. The ground before him began to shake and he directed his hands downward to the ground, making motions as if he were pulling on a rope. A pillar of stone erupted before him, and he laughed at the sight of it and at the amazement of his friends.
“WHOA,
O: I don't think you need to put this in caps. That is just me though.
Mr.Gyo paused for a bit, as he looked us all over.
O: All over? The word choice here sounds very odd.
Overall
~
I only bothered to read half of it, although the theme I noticed that was very consistent in this chapter was the lack of imagery and the odd grammar. The way you worded things in here sounds awkward. The storyline itself is good but other things need to be improved.
Hope I helped!
Hey thks for the review, i just fixed some of the issues. And thanks for pointing out some of the past tense errors, which is the best to write in for first person