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E - Everyone

This Is It

by HiImAndy

Time is ticking.
But I'm not the one picking.
My whole world is sinking,
But we just keep blinking. 
You can't die,
Not without saying goodbye.
But how will we know?
Time is moving so slow. 
One strain,
And we're all in pain.
It will never be the same, 
I don't want to play this game. 

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10 Reviews

Points: 299
Reviews: 10

Sat Aug 16, 2014 3:08 pm
shikhandini wrote a review...

excellent rhyming scheme.and its maintenance throughout.a short composition which speaks of love death longing,time moving sluggishly-just about really can never guess the mechanics and the workings of time.this poem is like the anthem of every one who has given up on life,on hope-the ideal anthem of clock-watchers,like me who really don't see any point in the ticking of the clock.there is really no point in rushing things-in hurrying,when you are not happy at the end of the day.its indeed high time the clock slowed us down to our real pace of life and bring back the lost happiness into our lives.good poem.and good idea.

HiImAndy says...

Thank you for your review.

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852 Reviews

Points: 21755
Reviews: 852

Mon Aug 11, 2014 7:03 am
alliyah wrote a review...

This poem expresses a lot of emotion and really covers a topic that a lot of people will be able to relate too. I'd like to start out to say I'm so sorry for what you and you're family are going through.

Grammar & Wording
I liked the somewhat simplistic language because honestly I think it would be right to try to dress up a poem about dying/grief/suffering and make it seem like something else. You say directly what you want to say and your readers can clearly read it without dancing around the subject. So I believe the wording is fine here..

There are a few parts that I thought the ending punctuation could be changed to be more effective. My suggestions are as follows:

line 1 "Time is ticking..." ending with an ellipses would make the reader sense the time passing and make them pause a little at that important sentence.

line 3 and line 5 I think would be better ended with commas in my opinion.

And lastly the second to last line

"It would never the same"
I think you should change "would" to "will" and add a period or comma at the end.

The rhyme scheme wasn't too complex here, it was a little bit of an odd choice to have the first 4 lines all end in "-ing" and in future works you should try to avoid this if it's not consistent with the rest of your poem's rhyme scheme.

I think you did a good job of keeping the lines all a somewhat similar length too, none seemed excessively long.

Overall Impression
I can really feel the emotion pouring from this poem and I know it always takes some bravery to post something on this much of a personal level, so thank you for posting.

I felt like there was not too many original ideas in this poem, but I think you were going for the more emotional side of poetry and you did succeed in that area.

I look forward to reading more of your writing and you have my best wishes.


HiImAndy says...

Thank you, when I'm in the moment of writing I don't really notice much just that I have this thought in my head and it needs to come out now. The "-ing" did comes across my mind, I just couldn't figure out a way to change it. I did however take your advice on all the rest, agreeing the change would be good. Thank you.

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Points: 300
Reviews: 0

Mon Aug 11, 2014 2:48 am
Bonster98 says...

This is sweet. It made me feel sorry and concerned for your father. It sounds like he really isn't doing the best. It is quite an emotional poem, it pulls on the heart strings a little.

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216 Reviews

Points: 99
Reviews: 216

Mon Aug 11, 2014 2:23 am
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yellow wrote a review...

Hello there, HiImAndy. Unknown391625 here with another review.

Ok so, this is really sad. I started to even tear up. I understand what you are going through. The same thing happens to thousands of people across the world. You love your dad. And you don't want to see him go so soon. No one deserves to go through what you are going through. He will survive. No doubt about it. Your loved ones and his loved ones are with you. I hope he survives. God bless your family.

-Unknown391625 <3

HiImAndy says...

Thank you. You're review almost made me tear up. God bless you too.

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15 Reviews

Points: 253
Reviews: 15

Mon Aug 11, 2014 1:42 am
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Hello, I'm Howl.

I want to say I'm sorry for what you are going through. This poem is really good and seems to describe what you are feeling. I hope that everything works out alright for you and your family. Welcome to the site I hope you like it.

HiImAndy says...

Thank you.

Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate.
— Jack Sparrow