No one to care

Hi Hanorah!

What I really like about this poem is that it relates a lot to today and the world today and how we see people. I mean that 'homeless bum' I walked past on the street, how do I know that he didn't lose all of his money due to unjust causes, you know? I like how you've mentioned how others will view with homeless man, and what he's actually like.

I guess my main issue with this is the rhyming. I think it's fine to rhyme in a poem, a good technique to use, however in this the rhyming feels a bit forced, and in a bit of a boring structure. Something I'm still trying to grasp hold of about poems is that rhymes really aren't a necessity. And here I don't think it is. However if you still want to have rhymes in this poem, that's totally fine, but really think about using interesting words when you're doing this.

Secondly, read this poem aloud. Because it is a rhyme, I'm already feeling a rhythm coming along, however sometimes the lengths of your lines don't exactly fulfill these rhythms. I suggest to you to do a syllable count and see if they're similar or not, even try singing it a bit. I know that sounds a bit silly but you can see which lines stand out a bit, and you can use this in the future when writing other poems.

Lastly, with a topic like this I would've like to see some more description. Really don't be afraid to bring out the imagery in here and add some metaphors, similes, and just some interesting language really. So, what is his 'home' like? Probably cold and dirty! Also, with this try and think about the five senses to help really build a picture of what's going on. You might have a picture of it in your head already, and you know what they say, a picture paints a thousand words- so why not write them?

Overall, this poem has heaps of potential, but right now is looking a bit boring. I suggest not being afraid to break away from having a perfect rhyming structure, and to add some more interesting language. Well I hope this review helped, please PM me if you have any questions or if you'd like another review on anything.

Keep on writing!
-Arc x

Hello! Nice poem-it really depicts society and the way people look down on others. Well done! Although it is simple, your poem is effective and carries a strong message.

I think maybe you could add more description and expand your poem a bit more as there is so much that you could write about! More description will create emotion and emphasise the message even more!

Also, 'The call him a bum, a useless piece trash' needs to be 'The call him a bum, a useless piece of trash'.

I would like your poem more if you added more description as parts are quite plain and could use some ambitous vocabulary. So yeah, expand it and add description, this poem has potential!

Thanks,

tiggpanda145

Hey there Hanorah! This was a nice piece, short and sweet and to the point. I love that in a poem! I will quickly go through the minor editing mistakes and then I'll get into a little deeper analysis. Most corrections I will do in parenthesis () Those thingys.

First thing's first, if the line before the next does not end in a period, the succeeding line should not be capitalized! (Unless it is a proper noun...) And if the previous sentence was confusing, let me show!

"I look at the man without a home, (<--- See that comma? That is not a period and thus, the next word need not be capitalized.)
(n)o one to love, he's all alone." (And there we are. Cleaner, neater, corecter! Yes, that is not a word.)

"The(y) call him a bum, a useless piece (of) trash"

"He sits (there) with his worn out clothes"

"At the man who (h)as no one to love, no one to care."

Alrighty, now that that is all done, we can get into the deeper analysis bit. The first stanza is pretty tidy, the only correction I have is to take away the "he's" and replace it with he is. You do this for meter purposes or in other words, rhythm. The previous line had 9 syllables, it is only right that the succeeding line have 9 syllables as well! That one is a little picky but any time you can get things to be even that is always the proper thing to do with poetry. Try reading it in a British accent, it helps with those sort of things, I promise.

The second stanza suffers from the same plague. The second line in it is far too long and the culprit of this is the part before the comma: "I feel sorry for him,". To be honest, I kind of fretted over what to do with this; on one hand I like that you inserted your own feelings into it but on the other hand it just doesn't seem to work. In the end, I think it would be smart just to remove that bit. The personal interjection isn't needed and it doesn't entirely fir in with the rest of the poem. Readers catch the fact that you feel sorry for, that is the implied message behind the poem, so those words are kind of pointing out the obvious and throwing the rhythm all helter skelter whilst doing so.

For the same reason as the first stanza, I would replace the word "only" with "just" in the third stanza. Note that this changes the entire stanza so that it is constructed out of two lines of 8 syllables rather than 9. As you shall read soon, it would be better to find a way to make both lines have nine syllables. For now though, I suggest that it read something like this:

"he has no highs in life, just lows." Or any other word you want to use that is a single syllable.

This fourth stanza I am going to pull apart a bit. And in so doing I am going to suggest that you change your second stanza in a similar fashion, but I would challenge you to find a way to do so yourself! This a teaching moment. So much of this poem has been centered around a 9 syllable pattern, something I presume you did unintentionally. I am guessing it was done naturally because that is what we like to hear in poetry. I like it, but when you shy away from that it throws things off for readers, especially in pieces where you are rhyming. If you employ a structure to the poem, you must try and keep that structure all the way throughout the piece. So, for this 4th stanza I suggest the following. Combine the He has in the first line to read "He's", thus creating 9 nine syllables in that line. And with the second line I suggest making it read "He must hide at night, to keep from thugs." It adds a sort of mystery to the line, makes it 9 syllables and the word must is a bit more potent than simply stating he has to hide.

For the last stanza we are going to employ the same tactic. I suggest changing it to the following:

"All of the people just stand and stare,
the man has no one to love, nor care."

Syllables match that magic number, 9, and you are still saying the same thing!

I hope this doesn't seem harsh, that was not my intention. Just me tearing the poem up a bit and trying to teach you a few things about rhythm and meter in the process. My mum is an English teacher, so I get these sort of tear ups all the time You by no means need to use the suggestions that I put forth, you may alter the words to fit your will. But I would hope that my information of meter and rhythm are of help to you. If you put some effort into polishing that rhythm up a bit this poem could pass the realm of good and head into the realm of pristine. Hope I helped. If you have any questions or feel I was not clear on something, please feel free to contact me. I would love to help in any way I can!

-H.o.H.

Ohh...

This was sad...

I see how this is true...

'The call him a bum, a useless piece trash,' should be, 'They call him a bum, a useless piece of trash."

I like this, it shows what our society can be like, and how people can be homeless, and have never had drugs or drank.. Like veterans and such....

I would have liked to see more, as this touches my heart, and I see how this is true in every way.

It also shows that homeless people are real victims of our society, and I like how you wrote this... Nice for standing up for them..

I spotted one more thing...

'He has never touched drink, never touched drugs,' should be, "He has never touched a drink, never touched drugs,"

Though that is my opinion....

I would like you to continue this, I want to see more.. Please more!

Perhaps do another like this?

Keep me posted!

Team Fire Flower!

Thanks,

pegasusgirl2

Hi, and welcome to YWS. I see that we have a common interest in poetry. We both write rhyming poems about rejected and disenfranchised people, and I admire you for that.
I overall liked this poem and the fact that it brought awareness to a very important issue. I'd love if you read my poem, "Silence is Betrayal" which is about a person without a home.


Anyway, now lets move onto the content. As I said before, I liked this, but I thought you could make it a bit better. For example, the rhyming is rational, but I think you can use stronger words. It seems a bit plain at some points.

Other than that, I have no critcism. I'm glad I found someone else who cares about the same things as I do.