Death do us part

ur poem is li'l depressive but a lot impressive! some minor grammatical mistakes are there but i neglected 'em coz i loved ur flow! ur rhyming scheme is also good!

two stanzas which made me really liked ur work are:


"No matter how much terror,murder death or sorrow,
We will always have hope in tomorrow.
Because we will always have our heart,
And we will fight to the end..till death do us part."

"There is too much violence,
too many kids forced to silence.
Too much killing, too much hurt,
Too many slaves left in the dirt."

these two stanzas are very nicey! i liked 'em coz they are very spicy!

overall nice work!fix ur iota grammatical mistakes! an good job!

Okay.

Firstly:

After a comma is a space, like so.
So, make sure to fix those.

Im is I'm.

Crys is Cries.

I understand the meaning, but I beleive there are too many, too many.

This is overall a interesting poem that needs commas and spelling...

So, thanks, I wish to see more..

Thanks,

pegasusgirl2

Hi there. So I loved this piece which means I am very excited to review it today! Here we go!

What I liked:

1. The concept. Brutally honest, sorrowful, and many other words of praise can be used to describe how you wrote out your opinion on the world we are living in. I felt frustrated, angry, regretful, and sorrowful all at the same time, and I think those are the perfect emotions for this poem.

2. The rhyme. You stuck with couplets which work really well with this piece. Sometimes the rhymes seemed off but that had more to do with inconsistancy in line length, not some much forced rhyme.

3. The repeatition. Some people hate repeatition but I think that it fit well with this piece. It was used correctly to drill in your point, that there is too much or too many. Understanding it is normal to have some death and sorrow is there and your idea is that there is above what should be considered normal.

What I didn't like:

1. The grammar. This is a shame because it seemed like a lot of the errors you made were petty mistakes like forgeting the appostrophies for we'll making it well. Things like that. All it takes is a few extra minutes going over your piece looking for anything you may have forgotten.

2. There is one line in particular that bugs me. "But too many people dying,that's no lie,/
No one knows how to stop it,they just bury theirs heads and sigh" The second line throws off the well balanced rhythem you had going. Perhaps it could read "Unable to stop it, they bury their heads and sigh" Same message but in fewer words thus keeping the flow nice and smooth.

Overall:
You managed to grasp the readers attention, in some good ways and some not so good ways. The good being the pure and raw emotion you have in there, the bad being your lack of gramatical correctness. Reread over the poem and edit it so that you can help your reader feel the full effect of what you were trying so hard to convey. Great job and Keep writing!
2.

Hey there! NoirLumiere here, and I'll be your reviewer today. Let's rock.

Concept: The concept was shocking, upsetting, yet brutally honest. It gives you the sense that, "though we always try, what's the point? We can't stop all this death." I loved it. I've always enjoyed shocking and upsetting topics, and this did not disappoint. Good job on that front.

Rhythm: The rhythm was back and forth to me. At some points, it was the perfect syllable length to keep flowing. But at others, suck as the second couplet in stanza 4, where the timing just felt off. I suggest shortening the longer lines or compensate by making other lines longer, That's just my opinion on that, though.

Grammar: Okay, here's where I feel this poem needs the most improvement. Throughout the poem were spacing mistakes, as well as punctuation slip ups and sound alike words. In places such as stanza 5, you used "well" when it should have been "we'll." As I said earlier, I believe this area is where this poem struggled the most.

Overall impression: Fantastic concept. I loved the concept because it makes you realize how helpless we truly are. Rhythm was good, but could use some help. And grammar needs lots of help. Lots of touch ups. This poem was fun to read but it does need some work.

This has been NoirLumiere, and there's your review. Good night, and keep rocking.