Neglected

AWESOME! I love this poem! The reason I love this poem is because it can really touch some peoples hearts. Something some person might be able to relate with. My favorite part was 'That's all she's ever known, In the cold dark house, that will never be home.' because home is not a certain place it is where the people who care about you are. Good job! Keep writing!

From,
Buddy886551

Hello Hanorah, it's Kristina here and I am going to give you my feedback about your poem "Neglected."

I loved reading your poem. It is a simple, short poem but enjoyable to read.

The way you did the structure of your poem, well, I liked it ! For example:

"Darkness,
More blinding than the light,
Only protection is when
she hugs her teddy tight."

I like the first verses of eact "stanzas". One word, a lot of meanings. It makes the readers curious about what is coming next. Your poem is very interesting.

Well done!

Why hello! My name is Molly! I love poetry. This poem is graceful and beautiful! BUT the flow is quite rough and the rhyme scheme only worked every once win a while in the poem. The poem is dark, sad, and very emotional which makes it nice to read and very touching. The poem is also very simple. Maybe too simple. It is an easy to read poem, but the details aren't very thick. The ideas are decent, but maybe next time think harder instead of writing down first thing that comes to mind. But props for the original idea and the enormous amount of emotion! Don't give up, you are very original and clearly have a deep passion and you better not stop ever writing!

Hello there Infinity here to review!

Well, I like you idea behind this poem and the simplicity of it, it's easy to understand and you've portrayed the child's story well and created some emotion, so well done on that.

However, there are a few suggestions I'd like to make to your poem that may help improve it further as there are a few grammatical and punctuation errors, also while your rhyme scheme worked at times, some points it felt too forced. I feel as if the rhyme scheme may be hindering how meaningful and deep the story has the potential to be.

"Darkness.

More blinding then the light,

Only protection is when she hugs her teddy tight."

Here, there are a few grammatical errors;
After the word darkness there should be a comma as you haven't finished the sentence.
In your second line, it's a bit awkward to read, it should be "than the light" it makes more sense. The word "more" is not really a good way to compare the two, perhaps trying a different word? When you talk about the teddy protecting her, that was a good part to add but I'd have liked it if you expanded on it, how her teddy is her shield, her escape, her comfort etc...

"Silence,

More deafening then the noise,

Yet she puts on a brave face, and returns to her toys."

Here again its "than the noise". The rhyming here felt forced, you don't really need it, it just seems to disrupt the fear of the child.


"Yet seeing more than when shes awake,

In her dreams, there's no time to be fake."

The rhyming feels forced again, you could have elaborated more on her dreams, how they could turn into nightmares or something along those line. How there's no time to be fake in her dreams doesn't make much sense to me either as dreams can be uncontrollable where does fake come into this?


"Neglected.

That's all she's every known,

In the cold dark house, that will never be home."

This was my favorite part of the poem, the rhyming worked here because it was in relation to the rest of what you were saying. This is where you started to make a lot more of an emotional connection of her being neglected and never feeling wanted at home. I feel as if this was the real starting of your poem, more should have been said about the neglecting, maybe adding more imagery would have helped?


Overall a great poem with plenty of potential, hope I wasn't too harsh, keep writing!

-Infinity x

It's a beautifully written poem. I completely love the beginning. It actually shows you what you're up for. I love the way you've started each paragraph with a contradictory statement. It reveals the state of mind the child is in. You've actually portrayed the clarity and maturity the child chows toward her situation by using these statements.
In my opinion though, if you'd potrayed how she had been neglected it would've made it a teeny bit more interesting as it would bring out the actual mindset of the child and would help the reader imagine the situation in a way a bit more similar to yours.
But of course the simplicity in the poem helps widen our imaginary outcomes which is also interesting in it's own way.

All in all, Loved it.
All the best.
Keep writing!

Great poem! Short, but very meaningful with a strong message. You could really feel the pain and loneliness in the girl's voice. I liked it a lot, but there are a few things that I think you should change.

First of all, the line "Only protection to her is when she hugs her teddy tight." sounds a little strange. Erase the words "to her" and also try to break it up into two lines after the words "is when." Same with all the other lines. Break up "Yet she puts on a brave face" and "and returns to her toys", "in her dreams" and "there's no time to be fake", and "in the cold, dark house" and "that will never be a home." I just feel it would flow more smoothly if you wrote it that way.

You also forgot a comma in "cold, dark house." Other than that, I like it a lot!!!