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139,506 Literary Works • 672,594 Reviews
Oh hey, Hanora. This is really surprisingly good quality. I feel like it's strong and tight from "His coffin lay under the ground" (though the rhythm through under doesn't quite read right and could use tweaking since the stress lands on the first syllable), and I'd lose the first two stanzas for that reason. After that, this feels like the kind of plain honest poem to put to beautiful illustrations in a children's book to help them understand death, and that other children can go through the same experience, that they're not alone.
))I just think you have to clean up punctuation and rhythm problems.
My first recommendation is to take out all the line breaks and punctuate the resulting passage as you'd punctuate any piece of prose. This means double quotation marks (not the single ones you're using now), commas before the closing quotation marks where the dialogue tag comes after ...
((
Then, read your poem aloud and don't give yourself ANY excuses to try to fit into the rhythm you came up with in your head. You have to make it so that it reads smooth no matter who reads it and how. Especially check out and rework this line:
All in all, I like the solidity of this.
Good luck and keep writing~
Please PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review!!
Hey Hanorah,
This is a really cute, touching poem. For me, it's the perfect poem to read to a child. Even despite its potentially dark content (death), there's so much lightness and hope in this. That is always refreshing to read. Most of the rhyme, poets always focus on the dark and the dramatic.
The ease of the rhyme also makes it easy for a child to read and it really gives a sweet tone to this piece, and for once, I didn't feel as though the rhyming negatively impacted the poem. The rhymes here fit the purpose and content, and you handled them especially well. In addition to the sweet melodies the rhyme creates, it also adds a lens of innocence.
^ Such a true observation.
The only thing to suggest is to watch out for your grammar in line 3 (he wished, not wish) and general rhythm. So, for example, even though the internal rhymes in the first couplet sound nice: eyes, lies, disguise -- their close proximity quickens the pace of the poem. This isn't bad in and of itself, because it makes us dive right into the poem, which is good!. However, your next stanza slows the pace down a lot in comparison:
To go from a perfect 7 syllabic, internal aaa rhyme to an imperfect 10/9 syllable end-line bb rhyme is jarring, and it makes us stumble a little bit while we read it. Perfect control like you showed in that first stanza are great if you can do them, just keep in mind that it is also a double-edged sword, because it sets up expectations for the reader.
Overall, it's a cute poem ^^ Keep writing!
~ as always, Audy
Ohh.....
I nearly burst into tears!
I do think that the speech should be in " "..
and maybe end the speech with punctuation, as it could use it.
I think we do know he didn't know, maybe add another sentence instead? So we get an idea of what he's feeling..
I feel this is very sad, and that it can speak the truth for a lot of situations like this..
I really liked it though, it showed the true curiosity in us.
This was awesome!
Team Fire Flower!
Thanks, I really enjoyed it!
pegasusgirl2
RIGHT NOW I AM LISTENING TO THIS BEAUTIFUL SONG, "GET UP RATTLE"! IT IS a wonderful song! but not as good as ur work! this is magnifica, mate! u hv done a tremendous job! u hv inserted a touchy emotion to this poem! which i felt while reading it. awesome man!
the rhyming scheme sounds good! the "ababab" pattern. very common but very useful also!
awesome stuff overall! i give u two bournvilles for ur extra sweet work! keep writing!
Haha,thanks