Young Writers Society

Oh hey, Hanora. This is really surprisingly good quality. I feel like it's strong and tight from "His coffin lay under the ground" (though the rhythm through under doesn't quite read right and could use tweaking since the stress lands on the first syllable), and I'd lose the first two stanzas for that reason. After that, this feels like the kind of plain honest poem to put to beautiful illustrations in a children's book to help them understand death, and that other children can go through the same experience, that they're not alone.

I just think you have to clean up punctuation and rhythm problems.

My first recommendation is to take out all the line breaks and punctuate the resulting passage as you'd punctuate any piece of prose. This means double quotation marks (not the single ones you're using now), commas before the closing quotation marks where the dialogue tag comes after ...

((

"I promise you son, not for a while,"
replied his father with a smile.

He pointed at the sky and started to stare.

Hey Hanorah,

This is a really cute, touching poem. For me, it's the perfect poem to read to a child. Even despite its potentially dark content (death), there's so much lightness and hope in this. That is always refreshing to read. Most of the rhyme, poets always focus on the dark and the dramatic.

The ease of the rhyme also makes it easy for a child to read and it really gives a sweet tone to this piece, and for once, I didn't feel as though the rhyming negatively impacted the poem. The rhymes here fit the purpose and content, and you handled them especially well. In addition to the sweet melodies the rhyme creates, it also adds a lens of innocence.

His mother wept, his father cried,
The boy just wondered why he died.

I see the hurt in his eyes, (7 syllables)
I see the lies, his disguise. (7 syllables)

He wish his grandad hadn't went away, (10 syllables)
All he wanted was for him to stay. (9 syllables)

Ohh.....

I nearly burst into tears!

I do think that the speech should be in " "..

and maybe end the speech with punctuation, as it could use it.

I think we do know he didn't know, maybe add another sentence instead? So we get an idea of what he's feeling..

I feel this is very sad, and that it can speak the truth for a lot of situations like this..

I really liked it though, it showed the true curiosity in us.

This was awesome!

Team Fire Flower!

Thanks, I really enjoyed it!

pegasusgirl2

RIGHT NOW I AM LISTENING TO THIS BEAUTIFUL SONG, "GET UP RATTLE"! IT IS a wonderful song! but not as good as ur work! this is magnifica, mate! u hv done a tremendous job! u hv inserted a touchy emotion to this poem! which i felt while reading it. awesome man!

the rhyming scheme sounds good! the "ababab" pattern. very common but very useful also!

awesome stuff overall! i give u two bournvilles for ur extra sweet work! keep writing!