Chapter One
The YWS Celeste entered the YWS home system. YWS Station orbited the giant gas planet that was spinning serenely nearby. Watching from the bridge was Captain Scarlett Fire. She was stylishly dressed in clothes that Stella Thomas had designed for her. The suit was completely black, except for some red flames, which adorned the suit.
Scarlett watched the station slowly grow bigger as the Celeste came closer to it. Tens of thousands of writers lived and worked on the space station. Some wrote in solitude, while others participate in the large scale review days. In a galaxy where politics and power were prevalent, this was where the muses were paid homage.
In fact, many came from all over the universe to do just that. The YWS Celeste was originally commissioned as a warship, but now it served as a passenger ship. It now carried a fresh batch of new members to YWS. She had gone down to see some of them, and they had all been terribly excited. They had recognized her of course, they were fans of all YWSers. Some had even… worn costumes. The images still haunted her.
Some of them were writers, but others were tourists. There was concern that, later down the line, this would mean that YWS Station would be inundated by tourists, thus destroying the tranquility of the station. Big Brother’s response to those concerns was: “What tranquility?”
Scarlett smiled at the memory. Big Brother had a way of putting things in perspective.
“Captain, the passengers would like to dedicate this voyage to a muse and they’d like you to name her,” Emoticon-220 said. Scarlett thought about it.
“Melpomene, she’s the muse of dance, perfect for celebrating a successful arrival,” Scarlett said. She was only partly right.
“I will tell them,” Emoticon-220 said.
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The SPEW Gryphon was also a warship, but unlike the YWS Celeste, it didn’t carry passengers. Instead, it carried sophisticated electronics, powerful weapons, and strong defenses. It’s engine technology was unparalleled, and it’s five reactors were able to provide enough power for all these things and the super-fast computers that made up the bulk of the ship. Using these computers was Adelaide, the shipboard AI.
Some members had erroneously described Adelaide as being inside the computers, but the truth was that she was inside the network of computers that ran throughout the Gryphon. She wasn’t in one part or the other, but in all parts at once. As water shapes itself to fit its container, so Adelaide expanded and contracted herself to fit the network.
When she had explained this to some of the other members, they became confused. What she liked about Grif, and many of the other members of SPEW, was that they weren’t like other members. Grif, for example, was mathematically inclined; which was a rare feature among people, and even rarer among writers. He was a dreamer, but he dreamed of trajectories and in terms which Adelaide could follow. He was unusual.
Her attention was diverted as Macavity arrived. He was an AI, like Adelaide, he ran the SPEW Cat’s Eye with Rydia.
Certain liberties must be taken to describe their conversation. When humans talk about how they are doing, they use ambiguous words like “fine” or “good.” AI’s, on the other hand, are able to show each other exactly how well they are doing. Because our audience isn’t an AI, we shall describe their conversation as if they were speaking in English.“
Hello Adelaide, it looks like things are working well on your ship,” Macavity said, referencing the relevant data.
“I do what I can. I trust you have more to do than simply inquire after my ship?”
“Indeed. Are interested in doing some match-making?”
“Between Grif and Rydia?” Adelaide said.
“Exactly.”
“Explain your reasoning.”
“They have multiple intersections. They are Moderators, SPEW Commandos, Storybookers, Whovians, and writers. They also both have a lot of reviews. An intersection with higher than six connections is worth exploring.”
“A lot of the connections seem to be of a similar nature. Have you considered the possibility that there are other lurking variables, which may be important to either party that extends beyond their responsibilities and literary preferences?”
“If there is, they haven’t mentioned it on their blogs.”
“True, and six points of intersection is probably enough of a justification for a first date; provided a second date is contingent on the results of the first-- did you detect that energy spike?” Adelaide said.
“Yes. Let’s compare our data,” Macavity said. There was a brief pause as both AI’s exchanged and analyzed their data in detail.
“It’s too powerful to be a natural discharge,” Macavity said finally.
“Not if it is a gamma ray burst from a distant black hole or star,” Adelaide suggested.
“I was going to suggest a quantum hyper-spatial chronometric tunneling disruption.”
“Ah, so instead of a common galactic phenomena, we’ve observed the exit point of a hyperspace jump. If that’s the case, wouldn’t we be seeing ships by now?” Adelaide said mockingly.
“I didn’t say you were wrong,” Macavity said stiffly.
“Don’t pout. I suggest that we schedule dinner for them tonight, at 6:30. The Captain’s Club should be sufficiently neutral. If you make the necessary arrangements, I’ll see to it that their dinner takes longer than usual. That should give them plenty of time to talk,” Adelaide said.
“This will be fun,” Macavity agreed.
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The muses watched on. Melpomene put on her dancing shoes as Calliope sat and took up her pen. It was a good day for dancing.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter The Fall of YWS: Chapter TwoPoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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I hope you continue this, Griff! You seem to have a pretty big fanbase for this story already. All my points have already been highlighted to you so I'll just say that I thought this was very well done and an interesting idea xD
Hi! Alright so I'm very excited about this and I shall make great efforts to be neutral in my review (but I think we both know that won't work out)
This line from the first paragraph would read more smoothly without the repetition of suit. Perhaps use 'fabric' to replace one of them?Specifics
1.
2. The names of ships would be easier to identify if they were in italics. It would also be kind of symbolic since author's works of fiction and poetry are always italicised when another writer discusses them.
3. Careful with those tenses
4. I was confused for a moment here as to whether they were creating a new muse or using an existing one. 'Select her' might make more sense than name her?
5. I love the way you describe the AI's and how they work. Very creative!
My favourite parts
It has to be the conversation between the two AI's! That was very fun and had a great sense of action and it introduced the first conflicts of the story: both the energy peek and this looming date.
My least favourite parts
It's not a part so much as an element I felt was missing a little: description. I'd love to hear more about what the ships look like and the space station and to really get a sense of these ships suspended in space in a space docking point. Do they tie the ships up with ropes or park them in spaces outlined by floating lights? A few extra details would just help to grab your reader's attention.
Overall
What can I say other than I love this? It takes a lot of work to put something like this together and I can't wait for the next part to see what else is going to happen! I like the AI's, the muses and the attention to member details, all very fun to read!
Heather xxx
Certain liberties must be taken to describe their conversation. When humans talk about how they are doing, they use ambiguous words like “fine” or “good.” AI’s, on the other hand, are able to show each other exactly how well they are doing. Because our audience isn’t an AI, we shall describe their conversation as if they were speaking in English.“
Hello Adelaide, it looks like things are working well on your ship,” Macavity said, referencing the relevant data.
“I do what I can. I trust you have more to do than simply inquire after my ship?”
“Indeed. Are interested in doing some match-making?”
“Between Grif and Rydia?” Adelaide said.
“Exactly.”
“Explain your reasoning.”
“They have multiple intersections. They are Moderators, SPEW Commandos, Storybookers, Whovians, and writers. They also both have a lot of reviews. An intersection with higher than six connections is worth exploring.”
“A lot of the connections seem to be of a similar nature. Have you considered the possibility that there are other lurking variables, which may be important to either party that extends beyond their responsibilities and literary preferences?”
“If there is, they haven’t mentioned it on their blogs.”
“True, and six points of intersection is probably enough of a justification for a first date; provided a second date is contingent on the results of the first-- did you detect that energy spike?” Adelaide said.
“Yes. Let’s compare our data,” Macavity said. There was a brief pause as both AI’s exchanged and analyzed their data in detail.
“It’s too powerful to be a natural discharge,” Macavity said finally.
“Not if it is a gamma ray burst from a distant black hole or star,” Adelaide suggested.
“I was going to suggest a quantum hyper-spatial chronometric tunneling disruption.”
“Ah, so instead of a common galactic phenomena, we’ve observed the exit point of a hyperspace jump. If that’s the case, wouldn’t we be seeing ships by now?” Adelaide said mockingly.
“I didn’t say you were wrong,” Macavity said stiffly.
“Don’t pout. I suggest that we schedule dinner for them tonight, at 6:30. The Captain’s Club should be sufficiently neutral. If you make the necessary arrangements, I’ll see to it that their dinner takes longer than usual. That should give them plenty of time to talk,” Adelaide said.
“This will be fun,” Macavity agreed.
********************************************************
The muses watched on. Melpomene put on her dancing shoes as Calliope sat and took up her pen. It was a good day for dancing.
Gah. Ignore the huge quoted section after 'Heather xxx'. It was there so I could make notes as I was reading through and I forgot to delete it, sorry!
Wow, you have a talent :O
I don't think it's talent so much as experience. I've been writing creatively for at least eight years now. It just takes a lot of practice and attention to detail.
Hi, Griff! I'm totes here now. Last night got away from me, so it's a little later than expected!
So like I said before, I really enjoyed reading this. It certainly caught my interest, and I can't wait to see what the AIs' plan will come turn out. xD
I did notice a couple usernames were different than their real counterparts. ScarlettFire and StellaThomas anyway. (Stella lost her space. It's not my fault!) And since emoticon220 was used as such, I figure it was worth a mention.
The stay comma after Melpomene should be more stopping. Like a semicolon or dash. Or even a period!
Whoops!
Is there a better way to introduce that energy spike? I was confused when I first read it. I thought they were still talking about the relationship. xD Especially since the conversation finishes with the date thing again. Priorities seem a bit questionable, but perhaps they know better than to worry about black holes! xD
----
I think my favorite part of this all was the discussion between the AIs. It was a fun insight on how they interact, and we get right into some action -- well, evil-planning. But that's action enough!
The first part didn't do much for me except introduce the setting and some characters. I look forward to hearing what kind of voyage they were actually dedicating to the muse. And basically get more insight in what's going on there.
I kinda like the muses. xD I had to Google the muses to see which one was which. (Do those dancing shoes belong to Melpomene or Terpsichore?!) I dunno how I feel about the last part here. It would've been fun if Terpsichore put on her dancing shoes unless Melpomene is the muse of dance here. Its significance isn't very apparent to me except in identifying the muse of dance.
It's a fun introductory chapter to this story, and I can't wait to read the next part!
Thanks for the catches! I did break apart the names to make them more reader-friendly. The emoticon220 part was an oversight.
I've added more detail of their energy spike investigation, so hopefully this will make it seem like less of a random thing. I'm not really able to do much with the introduction; AI's are prone to abruptly switching topics. It's kind of like how humans can have conversations during a meteor shower. You're talking about something and then it's interrupted by a cry of "There's one!"
I've expanded on the muses. Prior to writing, I did a fair amount of research on them. Melpomene is going dancing because Scarlett invoked her. Fair Terpsichore would have been the more appropriate choice, but if you check out Melpomene's greek root, it actually involves dancing and joyful celebration.
It may or may not have been my fault that Stella lost her space
Ack! Ack! You used the wrong form! It should be "its" (indicating that it is possessive).
You forgot to start with quotation marks.
*
I think the match-making should backfire and they should each develop an unnatural love for string cheese. It would be a highly romantic story!
The way that this is written is kind of like a story for children... very simple and it explains a lot.
I always have a problem with its vs. it's. I know the difference, but it still happens anyway.
The missing quotation mark is actually right above in the previous paragraph. I had to do some reformatting, and I made a paragraph after the quotation mark, instead of before. Both problems will shortly be fixed.
I love science fiction so I shall continue listening in. Congratulations, you have my full attention, I shall be listening in intently.
I'll keep writing then!
you have created a world which orbits around writers and a whole camaraderie of science fiction. somewhere along the road, these two do not meet. a planet for writers, and space age wars. they are diametrical. unless, you bridge the gap, through some strong standing logic. this story, although well written, with great use of sci-fi terms, will collapse beyond a few chapters. think of the plot as a mothership.
great sci-fi mind u have there.
good luck.
I feel like I've been issued a challenge!
I can honestly say you have captured my full attention by this chapter although some of the space terms are a bit lost on me as I am not a huge sci-fi fan, but you have gotten me into this nonetheless. Please carry on.
If the space terms are unfamiliar, it is probably because I'm making a lot of them up on the spot. So, don't be afraid.
xD