A flugelhorn blared loudly, waking Juniper with a start. She looked at the screens in a hurry and breathed a sigh of relief. Each screen was green, indicating that the Super Carrier known as the SPEW Cat's Eye was still purring. She checked the time; she hadn't been asleep for more than a few seconds. She rubbed her eyes; she had been on watch for nearly four hours now, staring out at green screens and the void of space. The blackness was broken up only by stars and the running lights of the other ships in the fleet.
She became aware of whispering nearby.
"We should use a klaxon next time," a male voice said excitedly.
"I'm in charge of the wake up sounds exactly because of suggestions like that," a female voice replied. Her voice dripped with aristocratic authority.
"Who's over there?" Juniper called. There was a flicker of light and a holographic image of a man appeared. The form was indistinct, save for the eyes, which were distinctly feline.
"Good evening Ms. Juniper," the AI responded, before bowing.
"Good evening Macavity. I heard a female as well," Juniper said.
"Your senses do not decieve you Madam. May I present my counterpart, Ms. Adelaide," Macavity said. There was another flicker of light, and then there was a female hologram. Adelaide was beautiful to behold. Ribbons of light ran through her simulated hair. She was dressed in victorian attire. Her eyes were not like the predatory eyes of Macavity, they spoke instead of clever mischief and quick wit.
"Good evening, Ms. Juniper," Adelaide said, with a curtsy.
"I was under the impression that you were stationed aboard the SPEW Gryphon?" Juniper said.
"I dabble," Adelaide replied cheerfully.
"In music?" Juniper asked narrowly.
"In many things," Adelaide responded sweetly. There were few entities that could do a poker face better than an AI. Adelaide's face pronounced her innocence and might have convinced Juniper, were it not for the sound of the flugelhorn echoing inside her skull.
"What is your business aboard the ship then?" Juniper asked.
"Purely social," Adelaide snapped her fingers, and a chess board appeared between the two AI's. "As you see."
"The pieces are in the wrong positions. You can't have two bishops on the same color."
"Only if you're playing chess in the traditional manner," Adelaide replied coyly.
"If I may explain, Madam," Macavity interjected. "The rules of the game are similar to regular chess, with one exception. A player may choose to give up their turn in order to attempt to hack one of the opponent's pieces. If the player successfully completes the hack, then the piece becomes theirs. If the opponent is able to counter their hacking attempt, then the piece remains in the player's control."
"Sounds like you are describing turning a spy," Juniper said.
"I prefer to think of it as making a new friend," Adelaide said with a wink. "Would you care to watch our game?"
"Perhaps later. I'm waiting for my relief."
"You mean Rydia? She's currently in a secret meeting with Grif. Even I'm not supposed to know about it," Adelaide said.
"How do you know that? And if Grif is in a meeting a Rydia, then who is controlling the SPEW Gryphon?" Juniper asked. Macavity snorted, but Adelaide merely smiled.
"It's like I said before," Adelaide said, picking up a chess piece. "I like to dabble."
Behind Juniper, one of the screens switched from green to yellow.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Hey Grif, Black here for a real quick comment/ review.
You could make the scene simply a scene hinting to Grif's secret meeting and leading up to this climax I feel coming.
So, I really enjoyed this. I love it how you turn YWS into a whole world like this, with the forums as ships and all. It's really cool, neat, and original. Very important things to me. Plus, of course, you've got a great style, and real nice pacing -that helps to make things better XD. You do have a few things that I don't particularly like. Luckily they're small things, or this review would be taking the rest of the evening! Here goes!
For some reason I get the feeling that this here scene isn't very important and could use to be dumbed down a bit. I mean, look at it this way, if you're not 100% familiar with YWS and you read this piece, then it won't make any sense. It won't be cohesive. It'll have no plot (not saying YWS activity does have a plot of any sort). To me it makes plenty of sense and is fun to read . . . but you could use to try to put in more detail for the sake of other not-so-knowledgeable users.
Okay, your way of introducing the whispering is a bit awkward -to me anyway. You just state the fact. It feels like a glitch. You have options, luckily, here. You could just get rid of the whole middle sentence and put some kind of reaction in after the first whisper (that's what I could do), or you could lead up to the realization with a word like 'slowly'. Fiddle around with it. It just feels really bad as it is.
Your double use of 'distinct' is a bit messy here. Also, I don't really get what you mean by the second part of the sentence anyway. You might want to look into it and see if you can find something.
Anyway, I said this would be a quick one and so it is! Peace out! Keep Writing -This really seems like it's worth it! So keep up at it!
~Black~
Griff~ Scarlett here to review, as requested! ^^
Oh, my gods, Griff. I love the wake up call. XD Poor Juniper, though. I feel like it scared her a bit, there. (Those AIs, I swear...) I do agree with Rydia on Macavity, he is a little formal, compared to the other things I've read that he's in. Although, I figure this is on purpose. I swear these AIs are up to something, but I just don't know what. Yet. I'm sure you'll let us in on this later, of course. Also, Griff, I'd just like to say I love Adelaide. <3 She's so mischievous~ Oh, and I love the whispering. I mean, they're AIs, they could probably speak AI-to-AI and not out loud, but they whisper anyway. Love the idea that Adelaide wears victorian attire. It seems to suit her.
And this;
XD I can't help but laugh at this. And this;
Adelaide is just <3 right here, in this chapter/scene. I just like her attitude as a whole, the wit and mischief she possesses. I feel this really brings her to life, compared to Juniper who seems a little less lively, but that can be fixed easily simply by adding to what she does. Try something like;
You see what I mean? It adds a touch of more to the character. More emotion, more expression, more character in general. XD It's not that hard to do, really. Just remember to add in what the characters are doing when writing a scene after you've planned it out. <3 Like the part above, as I've shown you.
I also liked this little hint of something at the end;
It shows us, the reader/s, something odd and gives us a sense of foreboding. What's going to happen next? And why did the screen switch from green to yellow? It is Adelaide toying with the ship? Or Macaivty? I'd really like to know, and I figure this might be explained later?
I also agree with Rydia on the wake-up call and Juniper's reaction to it. She has a very good point, and I understand how hard it can be to show that emotion and reaction to something; like feeling guilt or annoyance. Even if you just outright say it.
And now I can't think of anything more to add, so I'm just going to say I love it on a whole, even if there's a few tiny (tiny, Griff! Not hard to add to at all!) things that need to be addressed. So, yeah. Thanks for the story! I hope this review helps, somehow. ^^
Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scar. <3
I'm not sure what book this fanfiction was based off of, but I love Adelaide's wit. I was grinning the whole time I read it!! :3
Everything looks good. Although I may have to read this over again, because I kinda had to skim through it, due to the lack of computer time I'm having at the moment.
Again, I love Adelaide. She's my kind of gal! x3
Byyyyye!
~Wonder
I'm glad you enjoyed it. It is YWS Fan-fiction, which means that it involves the characterizations of various YWS members in a fictional space environment.
Hey Grif!
I have to agree with you on your first point: Adelaide is spot on. She's just brimming with all the wit and intelligence which I've come to expect from her. Mac is perhaps a little too formal, as you say, but it's also an interesting spin on him.
You've managed to retain the fun essence of the chess elements and you've added Juniper, who acts as a good buffer between these strange entities and the reader.
I don't actually have many concerns with this, except maybe one. I wonder, is the wake-up sound for Juniper's benefit, because she fell asleep? Or is it just coincidental that the wake-up call is made as Juniper is slipping off to sleep, while on guard duty? I think that could have been clearer and it would be nice to know her thoughts on having fallen asleep - guilt? Annoyance that Rydia isn't here to replace her yet?
Other than that, it all looks good to me!
Love it!