As a thunderstorm stampedes across a plain, making flashy displays and shouting in a booming voice, so now Grif approached the chat room, swearing oaths and obscenities that would cause flowers to wilt. So it was that Grif entered the chat room.
Welcome! You have entered [The Lounge] at 1:16 pm[Kara Hargreaves] 1:16 pm: Hey Griff.
[Squall] 1:16 pm: Hey Grif.
[Griffinkeeper] 1:16 pm: God beaver dam all you French! Are you my mom?! This site is in deep feces and all you turkey basters are just sitting here playing twister with buffalo while the station is under attack by the playing twister with buffalo French! Parcheesi! Parcheesi! GAH!!!!!!!!
[Bolt] 1:16 pm: Hey Grif.
[Lumierre] 1:17 pm: This is going to be the best storybook post ever.
[Bolt] 1:17 pm: I'm bored. Somebody entertain me.
[Griffinkeeper] 1:16 pm: ARGH!!!! Everybody listen to me. YWS has been attacked by the French. It is imperative that we evacuate immediately!
[Bolt] 1:17 pm: That's a good start Grif.
[Kara Hargreaves] 1:17 pm: What storybook are you posting for Lumi?
[Kara Hargreaves] 1:17 pm: lol Griff.
[Squall] 1:17 pm: Grif; please stop playing with the censors.
[Elinor Brynn] 1:17 pm: Back.
[Elinor Brynn] 1:17 pm: Did anything happen while I was out?
[Bolt] 1:17 pm: Nah.
[Griffinkeeper] 1:17 pm: The French are invading YWS! We need to leave now! Every second matters!
[Lumierre] 1:18 pm: Posted! Check it out http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic63256.html
[Griffinkeeper] 1:18 pm: You know what, I've had enough.
[Griffinkeeper] 1:18 pm: /kickroom
[The Lounge]: Griffinkeeper has left at 1:18 pm
Left was an understatement. In a single moment, all the members of chat came flying out into the corridor, as if they had all been roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris. Flashing lights and the blaring alarms assaulted their senses, except for Grif.
"Like I was saying earlier, we need to evacuate the station," Grif said coldly.
"We have to evacuate? Oh my God, ohmygod, omigod!" Elinor squeaked as she began to hyperventilate.
"Don't panic, there is no reason why we can't all get out of this alive," Grif said calmly to the others. There was a crackle over the intercom.
"Grif, this is Evi. The French have destroyed the inner defenses, we've got to leave now. I'll try to buy you some time. You have about five minutes before they start landing on the station. Evi out," she said.
"Now can we panic?" Kara asked.
"No. We go back to my ship. RUN!" Grif bellowed. They moved quickly towards the dock of the SPEW Gryphon III.
*********************************************************************
On board the SPEW Eevee, brought up another display. Alteran and Jennafina appeared.
"Our jump drive is charged, we're ready to go," Alteran said. He was aboard the YWS Highwind.
"Same here," Jennafina said. A third figure then appeared, translucent and ghostly as all AI's appear. His name was Virgil, the personal AI of Snoink.
"The SPEW Snoink is ready to jump. My mistress and Areida are aboard. She has been taken by Pokemon, but I have control of the ship systems," Virgil said.
"We'll jump on my command," Evi said.
"Enemy fighters are approaching your position. They'll be in firing range in three minutes," Adelaide said.
"We need to distract them long enough for the Gryphon to have a chance. Initiate Flareon Evolution," Evi ordered.
*********************************************************************
1325 Hours April 5th, 25 AS
French Ship Aigle
YWS Station
The masked man looked out at YWS Station. Around him, the French crew gave various reports.
"Perimeter defenses have been destroyed. Now moving to Phase II."
"The YWS fleet is moving away from the Station."
"Give me a visual," the masked man ordered. Immediately the visual was provided. The crew fell silent as he looked at the ships on the screen.
"That is the YWS Highwind; Adam Atlantian's ship. One of the older models. That one is the SPEW Peregrine, their fastest ship. That one is the SPEW Snoink. And that one..." he said, pointing to the SPEW Eevee. "This one is new."
"Is it the Gryphon?" the Captain asked nervously.
"No. Our reports indicated that the Gryphon was much bigger. This is an unknown SPEW vessel. We'll start our attack here," the masked man responded, his eyes never left the screen.
"My lord, is it wise to attack the SPEW ships?" the Captain asked.
"Don't be cowardly. You've more than enough fire power to wipe them out," the masked man said.
"My lord! The ship is transforming! We're reading an energy spike coming from the ship!" Indeed, it was transforming. Panels were opening, revealing particle emitters. They flared a bright red.
"Turn to port, 50 degrees! Do it now!" the masked man yelled.
*********************************************************************
"Capacitors are fully charged," Adelaide reported.
"Eevee Flareon, initiate Solar Flare!" Evi ordered. In a single instant, the capacitors released their charge all at once; dumping all of it into the particle emitters. In a flash, the enemy ships were covered in a blazing light, as their shields reacted with the racing wave of high energy particles.
"All ships, jump!" Evi ordered.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Cirque, I've updated my story to reflect your comments. It was most helpful.
One thing you might want to do is to make the first part in French and then have them be like, "Wait, what did you say?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I was mumbling or something that makes more sense."
That way, you have the French and French stuff around. Also, I want to see an epic battle between freedom and french fries.
Hello Gryphon, I'm Cirque and I'll be doing a critique on this for you. Firstly I just want to mention, I'm new and my review may be bad but I'll give it my all.
Terminology of my review:
Bold: Words that are not needed.
#00FF00 ">Green: General Comment.
#FF0000 ">Red: Grammar or spelling mistakes.
Grammar/Spelling: There wasn't really any problems with this but when you are speaking about God or saying something in his name. God is always spelt with a capital letter because of his status and I know that it was casual but, still that's just what you gotta do.
Characters: All your characters are based on real users I am taking? I don't know them personally but I have to say they were really great. You truly used the characters to create an intricate web that drew the reader in. Especially your's. Your character was absolutely hilarious.
Plot: It's a fanfic. I don't like fanfic's but I did love this one and it was about YWS so what isn't to like about that! As I said above you really do create an intricate web when writing and I really enjoyed reading. I wouldn't be surprised if this had once been a featured work. (The things on the front)
Overall: Overall, I thought this was absolutely hilarious and this sentences just relishes it.
I mean it made absolutely no sense but that is why it was so hilarious. Your grammar was great and your character use was liquid; this just makes a perfect story. I just want to mention, I didn't read the other chapters but I think I just might. Ooo was the masked one mentioned in the previous chapters...if he was, I take back everything I said. Though I still stand that you should've atleast mentioned him coming instead of suddenly throwing him at us. He, he masked man being thrown at us...hahaha!
I spent a lot of time in chat conducting research. I even had Squalls ban me from chat temporarily; but I decided against using that scene.
As for your dialogue, there was nothing personal. I needed someone to give that cheesy dialogue and you lost the coin toss.
I'm drawing experience from Star Wars, but I've also been heavily influenced by the many space battles that go on in the Gundam shows. They have a way of drawing out battles, using strange plot devices, like giving their bad guys some brains and some cool weapons.
Chapter IV will be up probably within the next week and it will have even more action and space battles in it. Stay tuned.
Hiya,
This is absolutely lovely. I've chronicled this story from Chapter 1 but now I've decided to critique. I think you really have everything here, balancing the line between classic science fiction and parody humor perfectly. The elements of classic YWS show up-I think my favorite part is the stars from the second chapter. Anyhow!
Nice!
This is so Lumierre. You must have spent a lot of time in the chat room. Actually, I can totally see this conversation taking place. Everyone's persona seems right on.
Speaking from experience, I wouldn't do this. I would get scared, but I'd probably go very pale and shake so much that it would be hard for me to move.
The rest of the story sets up a quite exciting battle that is a nice throwback to the space scenes in Star Wars. I don't know if that's what you were going for, but it somewhat felt like that! Coming from an absolute star wars geek, consider it an honor.
-Elinor x