YWS 3.0
Grif looked out into space. He was alone on the bridge of the new YWS-3. The YWS-3 wasn't very tall for a space ship. It was very wide, with wings that were spread out in a gentle downward curve. The shape of it resembled a book that was wide open.
Grif frowned as he monitored his poetic energy. It was unusually high, which probably explained the bad analogy. He dismissed the screen and brought back the forum monitors with his hand. The forum was quiet, most of the members had gone to bed a while ago. The creative energy from their minds was feeding the engines of YWS-3, creating a gentle humming sound.
Not all the members were asleep though. Dargquon Ql'deleodna (known affectionately as DQ) was still wide awake. He was an insomniac. He didn't know what he did when he was up this late. Grif had seen some chatroom chatter, suggesting that DQ had a new pair of boxer shorts. Grif shook his head and decided he didn't want to know.
Behind him the door opened. He turned to see who it was. Nate was standing in the door, his eyes closed.
"¡Senor Marquez!" he called.
"Sir?" Grif asked.
"¡Senor Marquez!" Nate said, moving towards the control panel. "Necesito hablar contigo despúes de la pelicula."
"What the heck is going on Nate?" Grif asked.
"¿Qué hables?" Nate said, cocking his head towards the chair. He leaned in close and put his ear to the arm of the chair.
"¿Prefieres que destruyo YWS-3? ¿Por qué Senor Marquez? Tengo muchos amigos aquí," Nate said to the chair.
"No, don't destruyo anything," Grif said.
"Bien, si tu quieres," Nate said, as a section of the monitor came up. It was covered in red and read "Self Destruct." Grif saw this and threw himself at Nate. Both of them hit the deck hard.
"Wha- Grif? What are you doing?" Grif got off of Nate.
"I could ask you the same question. Why the hell were you talking to the chair in that gibberish!"
"Did I call it Sarah?"
"No."
"Then I have no idea," Nate said, before leaving the bridge. Grif looked at his watch. Another forty minutes on watch, then Dusky would come in.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
So, this had YWS inside jokes, which I liked, although I'm kind of new so I didn't understand all of the references. I think your writing could be silghtly better. There was a typo where you wrote "destruyo" instead of destroy, and you used "very" a lot, a mistake we're all guilty of.
From what my two and a half years of Spanish class have taught me, the Spanish dialogue was impeccable. But not everyone speaks Spanish, so maybe you could put the translation in a footnote?
I think this work is so old that it pre-dates spoilers.
Probably when he's not grounded from the internet. XD
Okay, maybe I'll let him on, if he doesn't bite...
Dusky - As if! You're just jealous because we were alone.
lol
Grif, you make me laugh. This is great. When does the SPEW Quartet get a part? *grins*
Ah Grif...well, if you're gonna be doing a Halo themed parody, I got dibs on Sgt. Johnson!
As long as I'm the BAMF Weapons Expert of the crew, I'm content.
Oh....okay. I'm not laughing.....I'm not laughing.....I'm not.....ROGL!!!
This is funnier then midgets fighting with lightsabers! I elect Grif for president! Who's against me? (See's a hand rise in the crowd. Responds by pulling out blaster pistol and fryin them).
Keep em comin. Hurry! Before I start breathing normally again!
HALO FTW.
Sorry, I'll go back to my on again off again critiquing/lurking again.
*laughs* Grif!!! The girls just can't leave you alone!
Ari - I saw him first! lol. jk.
Other than that... come on... I don't get THAT into the romantic fiction.
Ah, I love it.
There are some typos though, among other things..
Do you want this critiquing or is it purely here for comic value?
For the benefit of those who have never played Halo, I direct you to this site so that you may understand what the heck is going on.
Just replace Master Chief with Master Pig, Cortana with Señor Marquez, and Nate with Captain Keyes.
Master Pig!!! heheheheeheheheehehe, lmao. Oh god that was good.
Areida and Grif raced for the Cryo-bay.
"We don't have much time. The boarding parties will get here at any moment," Grif said. An explosion rocked the ship.
"Looks like they're here," Areida observed. A second later, they arrived at the cryo-bay.
"Give them a double shot of the wake up stuff," Grif said. He opened up a drawer and pulled out a pistol. It was loaded. He armed it and put it on the table.
"Okay, let's thaw them out," Areida said.
"Testing all systems, bringing systems on line, all units are showing optimum performance. Defrosting now," Grif reported.
Steam came out of the cryo tubes.
"So, you wanna make out?" Areida asked Grif.
"What?!"
"Just a joke Grif. Couldn't resist. Especially after seeing you go after Dusky."
"I'm not really that attractive am I?" Grif said.
"You got your points, like everyone else," Areida said, in a manner which wasn't quite convincing.
"Well, don't joke like that again. There's enough excitement here already, without making my life more interesting.
"What the hell is going on here?" A new voice said over the Comm.
"We're glad to see you too Snoink. How you feeling?" A person got out of the cryo chamber.
"I feel a little dizzy and generally mean."
"The mean part is natural. The dizziness will wear off in a moment," Grif said. Another explosion rocked YWS-3.
"That one was closer," Areida says.
"That doesn't sound good," Snoink said.
"Snoink, standby for teleportation," Nate said over the comm. A moment later, Snoink was teleported.
"Get into your combat armor. The commandos are thawed and we can coordinate them a lot better from there." Areida had barely gone out the door when Grif heard something. Without thinking he dived behind a console. The door vaporized in a large explosion. Grif grabbed the pistol and turned the saftey off.
Okay, I have no body armor, a pistol, and an unknown amount of enemy foes. What the heck is going on? Grif thought.
Should be this:
The rest of you know what sections you're in charge of.
Should be Commandos, no apostrophe.
Look carefully at your "ours" and then whap your head for me.
It should be:
A few members of SPEW are in our moderating staff.
And... put the tilday on. It should be Señor Marquez, no?
Oh, and I am very afraid...
Coming Soon To YWS!
Master Pig returns!
Woo hoo! I'm in the story now! *dances*
And Dusky... you naughty naughty little thing... you terrible tease... you forward flitting little flirt! I LOVE IT!
*snorts*
professional fighters, eh? Me likey! And Dusky! heehee.
And for the record? coherent replies on this should be banned.
halo? *head/desk*
...haha... I think I shall have to spork out his other eye.
*blinks rapidly*
Oh... my... cow...
A side of me I never knew! A side of me that scares me emensely! A side of me that... I want to smack upside the head for being so incredibly obvious. Whatever happened to staying a woman of mystery?!
Anywho... this is good. Continue.
OMG!
Gif! Just what I needed first thing in the morning. Read at your own risk, eh?
Oh gods. I might be back later with something a bit more coherent, but then again, maybe not
Tsk Tsk. That was...disturbing. That whole flirting thing is just...no. *smacks griffy* No! As the resident arab, I demand a bomb of some sort........should I be mentioned........which I should be considering the ship has all YWS ppl within it.........is smaur among the aliens?........overall, second installment=good. Brava.
"Hey Grif," Duskglimmer said, forty minutes later.
"Hey!" Grif responded. Dusky was wearing a jumpsuit that accentuated her body. The same could not be said of Grif.
"Anything unusual occur?"
"Nate came in-"
"He talked with Senor Marquez?"
"How did you know?"
"He usually comes in during my shift. So he's coming in earlier. Interesting..."
"Well, here's how we're looking," Grif said.
"We're looking real good aren't we?"
"Well, I suppose so."
"Two very good looking people," she said slowly.
"Yep. We could be a whole lot uglier. Anyways, our sensor relays reported-"
"Something good?" Dusky said, moving closer to Grif.
"Actually; no. It reported that there was an entire alien armada a couple light years from here, but we can probably avoid it if we change course."
"You want to move in a new direction?" Dusky said slyly.
"Well, yes. Don't want to run into trouble do we?" Grif wasn't quite sure what was going on. She was asking about astral navigation, but the way she was saying it was like... well, that was what Grif was trying to figure out. Grif moved over towards the computer, but Dusky slid in between them.
"Oh Grif, why don't we just go into hyperspace together, you and me."
"You sure it's a good idea?"
"No, it's a very naughty idea, but it will be well worth your while," she said, in that same voice. Grif squinted, he did that everytime he was trying to figure out something and shrugged.
"Alright, if you say so." He reached his hand down past her waist and pushed the hyperspace lever forward.
"WARNING! BRACE YOURSELVES FOR HYPERSPACE 3...2...1!" the computer terminal blared.
In a second, YWS-3 winked out of all sight.
A couple lightyears later, it winked back into sight.
"PROXIMITY ALERT!" the computer said first.
"ATTACK DETECTED. EMERGENCY PROTOCOLS ACTIVATED."
"Oh boy," Grif said.
From bow to stern, a loud noise calculated to wake everyone resounded through YWS-3.
"BATTLE STATIONS!"
Expand definetly. Maybe have something about Drytear, eh? eh?
Great idea, I know.
This is a serial, so of course therre will be additions! This is the Integrate This! of Sci-Fis!
I'm quite amused. and glad this place is back... now I have something to do while i'm screwing around at work.
Wow.. hehe, I like it. Not that it makes much sense, but it's funny all the same.
Only thing I'd say is how it's a spaceship at the beginning, then it sounds more like what it is, and the spaceship isn't mentioned again. That was a bit too odd..
Hehe, I like how Nate talks to the chair as well.
So, Grif, any sequels planned?
Quick translation for those who haven't taken or don't remember Spanish. (A.K.A: What I meant for the Spanish to say.)
"¡Senor Marquez!" he called.
Mr. Marquez!
"¡Senor Marquez!"
Mr. Marquez!
"Necesito hablar contigo despúes de la pelicula."
I need to talk with you after the movie.
"¿Qué hables?"
What did you say?
"¿Prefieres que destruyo YWS-3? ¿Por qué Senor Marquez? Tengo muchos amigos aquí."
You want that I destroy YWS-3? Why Mr. Marquez? I have many friends here.
"Bien, si tu quieres."
Okay, if you want.
*laughs* This is great... And I'm mentioned! *does happy dance*
It took me forever to try and decipher all the Spanish though... I'm really out of practice...
*laughs* Ah, lord, Grif? I love these spoofs you write, I do.
I'll let you figure out what accents you missed on the spanish, though, mkay?
wait.. it's not "fourty"? Ah my head hurts.. that's how I've always spelled it.... *grabs "Elements of Style"* I'll check!
Eep!
*Edits*
Hee hee... good stuff, Grif, good stuff. Except you spelled "forty" wrong. For shame. XD
LOL! Great story, I hope you will continue,. the plot was deep....very deep. Ive never read such an emotional piece.
lol...