Departure Scene

This was a nice and well written short. It can be very easily turned into the prologue of a book, with probably a few additions here and there. What I like most about the story was the way you described the ship coming out of spacedock, I could clearly picture the ship clearing each hangar door as it made its way to the exit.

The other part I like about the story is the banter between the protagonist and the ship's AI. Reminds me a bit of Joker and EDI from Mass Effect actually. Would like to see more of it if there's a chapter one coming out for this.

Didn't catch any spelling or grammar mistakes. And perhaps you could describe how to bridge of the ship looks like in more detail. Right now I have the bridge envisioned to be that of the TARDIS' . Perhaps its because your profile picture is the TARDIS. Anyways, I really enjoyed this piece and would love to read more about the adventures of Grif and Adelaide. Cheers !!

Oh yes, a Sci-Fi! Yay! I enjoyed it by far.

Though however I you to elaborate some more, such as the background knowledge of what he's looking for. Is he searching for a missing person? Going on a date? What is it? Some more information probably would've allowed me to understand the story further and allowed for some more plot development.

Another thing is, though the ship's description of leaving the hangar was pretty nice, indeed, the imagery for the rest of the characters, ship, background, and station was pretty bare. Yeah, I love sci-fi, but it's a little hard to describe ships in writing, I know haha.

Also, this does sound a lot like one of those sci-fi universes where space is taken as a normal thing, like driving. Sounds a lot like Star Trek or Star Wars, hehe. I like this... You should make a little book or a longer story with this.

-Kory

Hey Griffypoo!

The thing that threw me off was this line:

"She didn't show up and there aren't any records of her being on station," Grif said; staring blankly at the navigation screen.

Heyo Grif,

I'm not the most amazing reviewer ever, and usually don't touch fanfics, but I wanted your People tab to be somewhat more responsive.

Okay, so, this was a nice little piece. I enjoyed it... though I'm not entirely certain exactly what it means. If it's just a fun little piece that you felt like writing, or if it's eventually going to be incorporated into a chapter, then it's excellent. I really love the character interaction you have here, and the dialogue is amusing. I like how they're still being entirely competent and doing their jobs quite well-- while all the while going at it with each other. It's adorable.

If it's a freestanding story, however, I think a bit more background/elaboration could really benefit this piece. Like, since it's so short you've got plenty of room to expand on it. Give us something more about the characters. We draw some conclusions from the dialogue-- but I think knowing a bit of the back story might help your readers out.

That's about all I've got to say, though. I generally focus on helping with grammatical issues, but I didn't notice any in your piece. It's very well written. Good piece. I enjoyed reading it.

Keep writing!
~Shady

Jack here for a review.

I hope this helps, There isn't though much things I could see that really needed to be fixed so I will just point out a few things that I feel just didn't place well, though you can probably keep them, anyway. Here goes nothing.

Firstly: Grif stumbled onto the bridge of his starship. The displays were visible, as was the avatar of his AI, Adelaide.

Awesome name by the way, also I feel there is no need for a full stop after starship, just feels out of place, maybe a semi colon or something, up to you.

Secondly: "About time. You must have had a fun night," she said with a smirk.

I like this but maybe if you enlighten what you are trying to hint at, here or later in the story, I was really interested in it, and it would have taken the story that much further, again though up to you.

Thirdly: You throughout the story seem to have unneeded amount of full stops, that would be better as a comma or a and, etc. Just go through and maybe not have as many unneeded full stops, but again this is really up to you, but I think it would make the story a lot easier to read.

Fourthly: I think you had a lack of description about what his surroundings were like, where he was standing, what did Grif look like, what did the women look like, what was the colour of the flour, but this is easy to fix, and isn't a big problem, I have the same one a lot of the time as well.

Over all: I like what you have going here, it is probably the best description of a space ship leaving a hanger etc. I have ever read, I like the idea of the guy Grif, and I think this story if you choose to, you could take is a lot of places, and I loved your mention of YWS, but I didn't really get what you were hinting at.

SO good job here, its a thumbs up!! from me, and I hope to read more of your work as soon as I possible can:)

Jack