First Rain Of June

Hey there @GoodieGoat - I always enjoy reviewing a poem, and enjoyed reading your last one, so I thought I'd stop by to leave this one a review too.

First - I liked that you linked a song in your description to sort of "Set the scene" of the poem - that'd be a good one to link in an author's note too in case folks miss it in the description.

Let's go through the poem stanza by stanza -

As the clouds have kept their waters have I kept my thoughts stored,

Today's the first June day rain has kissed the earth, its lips adored

^ The phrasing in these two lines is a bit hard to understand honestly - I think it may have to do with the punctuation - but I would maybe rephrase a bit like this:

"As the clouds have kept their waters, so I keep my thoughts stored.
Today's the first June day that rain has kissed Earth; her lips adored."

All the cute little clovers are cheering and smiling at the sky,

^ I like the alliterations with "cute" / "clovers" - but with the elevated / archaic language you're using in the rest of the piece, I think "cute" is a bit of a strange word choice, maybe "dear" or "quite" instead.

As man covets the blue so does grass love the gray to wet away the dry

^ this sentence I really wasn't sure what was being said -> as man covets the blue rain? sky? I think you could use a comma after blue as well and a little clarification here as to what is being said.

A tear with a tear, with a tear and with tears I have whored,

I love the repetition of "a tear / a tear" to show the huge amount of tears - though "whored" seems like really strong language right here. Though it's technical definition may be what you're looking for, the connotation of "whored" is extremely negative - that of someone being a prostitute, which I think is probably not what you're looking for here? Watch out for synonyms that can mean one thing, but also have a meaning that is totally left-field of your intention or mood of the poem.

"But still I'll smile with the smile of the outside as it cries[/quote]
^ This line didn't make sense to me, and I think may be too early to repeat the word smile since you already use it in line 3.

Crossed the street I see, two parents in love laughing with their children,
And no water is capable of causing the company their keeping to be hidden
All the people I love have taken to the road on their way to thrive,
While I lay reposed in my coffin, though I'm still very much alive
I wanna move, I gotta travel, to write the things unwritten,
I've got to find kin anew before I'm tossed aside when they arrive

The image of happy playing children versus the person in a coffin is quite a contrast - making me wonder if the speaker is dead or just metaphorically so. I wasn't expecting that.

"wanna" & "gotta" - are informal abreviations that don't fit the elevated language of the rest of your poem, you may want to go with "want to" and "must" or "am compelled to".

This stanza was quite hard for me to understand what the speaker was trying to convey - what is meant by "water can not hide their company in line two?" I can't understand that at a literal or metaphorical level. If the poem is from the POV of water I think that could be made a little more clearly - this stanza I think could benefit from being read aloud and seeing if you can figure out what each line is saying, there are a lot of pretty words, but how they relate to each other was a little hard for me to figure out.

"You wretched fool. You're truly doomed." The rains have turned to snow,
It's growing colder and the sky is sinking, but I've nowhere else to go
Memories past have fixed my dying bed, the covers cornered n' pillow fluffed,
Do you think they'll bear false grievances when they see I've had enough?
The last thing I ever thought was you walking towards me, all your sweetness in tow
Your countenance some brightsome color, the last thing I'll ever know

This stanza was a bit easier to understand - the speaker is dying, with the change in weather, their last thoughts are regarding memories they've had - and they worry that people will remember them wrongly with false grievances - their last memory is their love and their love's beautiful color. To me it is a little strange that their last memory of their loved one is their color but if the speaker is rain or another inanimate object maybe their love was flowers?

Overall there are definitely a few parts in this poem that could benefit from a second look at punctuation and clarity - the main problem right now is not knowing what or who the speaker is - and what vantage point they are speaking from - without that knowledge it is difficult to understand some of the references here. I think you did a great job building up a poem with formal language - which makes the poem feel "classic" and somewhat "noble" to me. Be sure to watch out for words that either don't fit the established vibe you're going for, or that have connotations that conflict with the rest of the poem's message though.

Good luck in editing and future writing!

alliyah

Hi! This is a random weirdo here to give you a short review.

The first thing I 'ought to say is this is wonderfully written! Again you've created an amazing poem. There's only one part that's confusing:

As man covets the blue so does grass love the gray to wet away the dry

A tear with a tear, with a tear and with tears I have whored,

But still I'll smile with the smile of the outside as it cries

The first sentence doesn't make much sense to me, and the next two repeat words too much. Try rephrasing. (Unless you meant to make it this way... but I'm afraid I don't get it)

But I adore the second and third verses. I think of a person on their deathbed, wanting to get up one last time before they pass but not being able to do so. It's incredibly sad. And the very end; it breaks my heart.

Overall, this was very well written and very sad. Nice job!

Keep writing!