Allegheny Girl

Hi! I really enjoyed this poem.
The repetition reminds me of a folk song, and that's common with old-timey poems but not something I have seen on this website before!
I agree with alliyah's assessment that the last stanza kinda messes with the imagery you established throughout the poem. I didn't quite understand the connection of the last stanza to the rest of the poem. I'm not sure that it fits with the rest, but not everything always has to be understood to the reader. Sometimes it's enough for it to just make sense to the author of the poem.
As I read this poem I couldn't help trying to fit it into a tune!
Overall, this is a really nice poem with interesting and developed imagery. Thanks for sharing it!

Hello, I hope you're having a wonderful day! I'm here to leave a quick review!

This is a very unique poem that I haven't read on YWS before. The repeating lines definitely has that country feeling that alliyah was talking about. I can see this as a song that's played with an acoustic guitar or something. But then again, I know nothing about music lol. The rhythm doesn't sound forced at all; it's very beautiful to read. The vocabulary and metaphors also sound very nice.

I agree with alliyah that there could be more mentions of the region. I interpret that the title is referencing the river, so you could probably make allusions between the girl and the river. Like how they're similar or something.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading your work!

Hello there! I used to live right next to Allegheny County / by the Allegheny River etc. so this poem definitely caught my eye.

I've never heard the phrase "Allegheny Girl" and because the Allegheny could refer to the mountain range, river, or several counties, forests, towns, railroads, etc. I feel like it is a tad ambiguous to me - I guess in my mind a "mountain girl" would be a tad different than a "river girl" vs. a "railroad girl" or even just a girl from a certain Allegheny town - in your first line you do reference river - so I'm leaning towards that interpretation.

This song definitely has a punchy country feeling even just reading it through - you've got some great easily singable phrasing and rhyming without things seeming forced. My favorite line is definitely "You're the breath in the birds' chests, which they all use to sing" - interesting but unique metaphor.

I feel like you could have a bit more regional flair / sense of place in here if the main descriptor of the girl is the region she is from. For instance describing the geography a tad more, or putting in something that feels a little more outdoorsy / mountainous or gives a better sense of space.

The story of the song seemed to be that the speaker left "town" wherever town was and is coming back home via the river to their "Allegheny Girl" who lives in Pittsburg - they've been loose and wild, but they miss their love - they're overcome with emotion at the thought of being reunited and are eager to smile together and pass time together going forward.

Most of your imagery phrasing seemed like it fit fairly well in the tone of the piece outside of "I'll fit the unicorns and butterflies with saddlery" which was hard to picture and took this country vibe into fantasy which was a little jarring. I didn't quite know what "downy in your smile" meant either - I think downy usually means feathers or fuzziness or detergent - so that was a little odd for me.

Another suggestion you might use to take this piece up a notch is look for an opportunity to use refrain or book-ends to give a fuller sense of closure and continuity from the beginning to the end of the piece.

Overall an enjoyable read and I'd love to hear it sung I think!

All the best,

alliyah

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