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140,586 Literary Works • 673,540 Reviews
This is just amazing. Only a couple things I want to give my opinion on.
First, maybe you should add periods just to signif something new starting like after "curved brown hair, and lips of lies."
The last paragraph is also very clever. I really liked he way you took off each line.
The no! Also I feel like you do not need to put it in all caps. It kind of disturbs the calmness and fluidity of the piece.
Very very very good job. Keep writing
I hope this review helps
Heyyo it's voiceofdragons coming your way for a review! I'm gonna kinda review as I go if that makes any sense?
I really enjoy the rhyme scheme! Kudos to you there! That's really hard to achieve with coherency and you've done it well without it looking too forced.
Here you use staring twice. Maybe try a synonym for a little diversity? I know you have a lot of repeating in this poem, but it only seems to be that one line. I think if it's only that one line repeating instead of different words it packs more of a punch. Stare-stare kinda detracts a little, more because the same word is immediately after each other.
"lips of lies" How interesting!! Man I really want to know the back story here! Aw man.
I totally get this. I'm always steamed because I look practically the same even though I know that I've grown a lot emotionally over the years. I'm always afraid someone'll look at me and tell me, "You really haven't changed at all, have you?" and I see that portrayed in this poem very nicely. The want to be different and the fear that maybe something is holding you back and you're just pretending you're "different" instead of actually being.
I'm guessing this is why she called the reflection of her lips a lie? Makes more sense now that I've read to here.
This bit seems a little rushed. But maybe that was your intention?
Man I liked the visual of the last bit. I don't think it's over used.
I can honestly say that I teared up a little reading this! As with all poetry, I read it out loud the second time reading it. The first time reading it I was a bit confused with all of you commas as they seemed a bit random but when I read it out loud I found that they were spectacularly placed. Nice nice nice!
To me this seems to be a person struggling with her inner darkness or anger. (I like how you personified this as "she" and "her" here.) Or the same person trying to shed who they were before and trying to turn over a new leaf for themselves without going back to their old ways and falling back on old habits. I really can relate to this a lot.
You said the pacing was force and the gimmick is tired in your review, but I really don't think that's the case here at all! Keep up the great work!
I want to review this but I don't really know how! I can relate to this a lot in my own way. That's what I like about it, it's a very fluid poem. One that can be applied to different people in different situations. There are some rhymes that work really well (such as eyes and lies) but some which seem forced, as crobbins mentioned. I don't know how to overcome this, though, since there aren't any better rhyming words. The last part makes me think that she's tumbling into a dark park, falling and falling until all that's left is that one word. Who? And that is the question we all ask, after all.
Hey, crobbins here for another review!
So I love the message behind this! I interpret this as maybe someone has changed in a relationship. Maybe they were not who they used to be. I think this message about a change in identity and a shift in your inner self is a very compelling topic.
I love this section at the end:
"Who I am is not who I was
Who I am is not who I
Who I am is not who
Who I am is not
Who I am is
Who I am
Who I
Who?"
Wow. I haven't seen this done very often, but I think this brings the piece full circle beautifully.
Also, the repetition of "Who I am is not who I was" makes the poem easy to follow and interpret. It keeps the reader engaged and able to interpret the piece without putting too much effort into following where the piece is going.
I do have some nit-picks (only one, really)!
Although I found this piece to be great, I did think some of the rhyming scheme was a little forced. For example, the excerpt:
"What if this new evolution
Is far from my once-thought revolution"
This shows how I think that the rhyming was a little forced in SOME places. It is hard to rhyme every line though! Good job!
So overall, I love it! VERY well written!
I'd love to read more of your work!
-crobbins
Thank you so much for your review!
HEELLO Golden Quill,
A poem about identity. Identity is also a common topic when it comes to poetry and literature. Who are you? Are you really you? Are you the person you used to be? Let's find out.
"Always called in by her siren lures." I suddenly thought 'mermaids'. Mermaids can seem sweet and beautiful, but under that beauty is hunger and death. They sing their lullabies to unfortunate sailors and drag them to the depths of the oceans, to their deaths. Very nice comparison with identity. You no longer know if you are the mermaid on the outside, or the mermaid on the inside.
I like the way you wrote the last stanza in the poem. Taking away one word after another until you are only left with "who". That's neat, I haven't seen that in any of the poems I've read yet. That big "NO!" in the middle of the poem also caught my eye- it indicates a fierce determination and makes the reader determined to read it.
I also noticed how you made most of the lines a question. That's pretty nice too. The only trouble I see is the overall topic of this poem. Identity. There are lots of poems on identity- the way every poet writes it is different. But even though this poem's idea is very common, the way you wrote it makes it unique. Keep up the good work!
You are who you believe to be,
Night Kaizer
Thank you so much for this review!
"The pacing is strange and the gimmick is tired." Maybe, but that does not mean you can't edit until you're happy with it. I loved,
"She was practiced, calloused, fake
She was desperate and searching and new
And God, aren't I that, too?"
It was so raw and yearning, and if you can bring that emotion to the rest of this piece, you'll have something gold on your hands.