Young Writers Society

This is just amazing. Only a couple things I want to give my opinion on.

First, maybe you should add periods just to signif something new starting like after "curved brown hair, and lips of lies."

The last paragraph is also very clever. I really liked he way you took off each line.

The no! Also I feel like you do not need to put it in all caps. It kind of disturbs the calmness and fluidity of the piece.

Very very very good job. Keep writing

I hope this review helps

Heyyo it's voiceofdragons coming your way for a review! I'm gonna kinda review as I go if that makes any sense?

I really enjoy the rhyme scheme! Kudos to you there! That's really hard to achieve with coherency and you've done it well without it looking too forced.

I repeat this as I stare into the mirror
Staring endlessly, but nothing grows clearer

Why do I still look the same?
How come my face didn't change,
Along with the bones of my heart?
Why do I still look the part

Even if it is a lie
I need these words to survive

What if I'm claimed from the start?
And there's absolutely no way to restart -- NO!

I want to review this but I don't really know how! I can relate to this a lot in my own way. That's what I like about it, it's a very fluid poem. One that can be applied to different people in different situations. There are some rhymes that work really well (such as eyes and lies) but some which seem forced, as crobbins mentioned. I don't know how to overcome this, though, since there aren't any better rhyming words. The last part makes me think that she's tumbling into a dark park, falling and falling until all that's left is that one word. Who? And that is the question we all ask, after all.

Hey, crobbins here for another review!

So I love the message behind this! I interpret this as maybe someone has changed in a relationship. Maybe they were not who they used to be. I think this message about a change in identity and a shift in your inner self is a very compelling topic.

I love this section at the end:
"Who I am is not who I was
Who I am is not who I
Who I am is not who
Who I am is not
Who I am is
Who I am
Who I
Who?"
Wow. I haven't seen this done very often, but I think this brings the piece full circle beautifully.

Also, the repetition of "Who I am is not who I was" makes the poem easy to follow and interpret. It keeps the reader engaged and able to interpret the piece without putting too much effort into following where the piece is going.

I do have some nit-picks (only one, really)!

Although I found this piece to be great, I did think some of the rhyming scheme was a little forced. For example, the excerpt:
"What if this new evolution
Is far from my once-thought revolution"
This shows how I think that the rhyming was a little forced in SOME places. It is hard to rhyme every line though! Good job!

So overall, I love it! VERY well written!

I'd love to read more of your work!

-crobbins

HEELLO Golden Quill,
A poem about identity. Identity is also a common topic when it comes to poetry and literature. Who are you? Are you really you? Are you the person you used to be? Let's find out.
"Always called in by her siren lures." I suddenly thought 'mermaids'. Mermaids can seem sweet and beautiful, but under that beauty is hunger and death. They sing their lullabies to unfortunate sailors and drag them to the depths of the oceans, to their deaths. Very nice comparison with identity. You no longer know if you are the mermaid on the outside, or the mermaid on the inside.
I like the way you wrote the last stanza in the poem. Taking away one word after another until you are only left with "who". That's neat, I haven't seen that in any of the poems I've read yet. That big "NO!" in the middle of the poem also caught my eye- it indicates a fierce determination and makes the reader determined to read it.
I also noticed how you made most of the lines a question. That's pretty nice too. The only trouble I see is the overall topic of this poem. Identity. There are lots of poems on identity- the way every poet writes it is different. But even though this poem's idea is very common, the way you wrote it makes it unique. Keep up the good work!

You are who you believe to be,

Night Kaizer

"The pacing is strange and the gimmick is tired." Maybe, but that does not mean you can't edit until you're happy with it. I loved,

"She was practiced, calloused, fake
She was desperate and searching and new
And God, aren't I that, too?"

It was so raw and yearning, and if you can bring that emotion to the rest of this piece, you'll have something gold on your hands.