If you could see my face
Every second of every day
I bet it would change your attitude
I bet it’d change what you say
If you could see who I am
When the doors finally shut
I bet you wouldn’t laugh anymore
Back in your place you’d be put
I bet when you see the sorrow in my eyes
You’ll finally ask what’s wrong
I’ve been waiting forever for that
Why have you taken this long?
I bet, when you hear I was crying
You’d hold me very close
Maybe you’ll finally restart my heart
Wake me up from this comatose
Maybe you wouldn’t leave me
Hurt me, slay me, abuse me
Maybe you’d finally feel bad
For making me what I’m not meant to be
Maybe when you know you killed me
You’ll finally take my hand
And tomorrow, when I’m found dead
Maybe you will understand...
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140,586 Literary Works • 673,540 Reviews
Well. It appears that somebody else has beat me to a thorough review.. so instead of going into detail, I'll just suggest some things that stuck out most and leave it at that
The other thing is that, while this has a pretty good flow/concept to it, the poem's appeal is sort of weak, overall. Didn't really make a connection.
Great write, and keep it up!
One thing you may want to consider is adding in punctuation and avoiding the capitalization of the beginning of each line. While it's not necessarily wrong, in my opinion it just looks better when you treat the lines as sentences, and only capitalize the letters that have to be upper case. Of course, you're more than welcome to disagree
Other than that, though, I did enjoy reading this very much. Just a little polishing, and it will be good as gold.
Hi! I really liked this poem, but I do have a couple of suggestions.
Alright...I see this, and I think, "Bully." Which sets up the mood for the rest of the poem, and you keep that mood till the very end, and then I get confused. Haha. I'll explain more in a second. Also-where are you commas? The poem flows like it should need them, and I put them in automatically when I read it, but others won't. You should probably use a comma at the end of each line and then a period at the end. I feel like that makes the point more definite.
What you're saying here is that at the end of the day, you're a person who is being abused in some way, and that this other person shouldn't be attacking you without knowing the full story. It kind of took me a while to get that and understand it, so try to be more explicit when you're writing. Tell more about yourself (Note: I'm saying 'yourself'; I don't literally mean you, I mean the character of the poem. I'm critiquing as if the people aren't real, though they may be.) and what is happening to you. The poem overall is a bit vauge, which adds to the mystery (which I like!), though I'm naturally a curious person, and have to know what is going on. You never really talk about how you feel; I think that would add a ton to the poem.
The line, "Back in your place you'd be put", to me, feels very awkward. I see where you're trying to go with the rhyming, but I do not naturally read 'put' to rhyme with 'shut'. You can make it work that way, though it's a bit strange. Try a different word/line that connotates the same meaning.
Why are you sad? (Remember: feeling! Add depth to your characters) I like feeling and mood of this stanza very much. However, I have some issues. You say, "I've been waiting forever for that", which, to me, messes up the flow. Try, "I've been waiting forever for it", because at the begining of the stanza you're speaking to the future, and then to the past. It irks me.
Then, you say, "Why has it taken this long?". I think it should read, "Why have you taken this long?", because then you're still sticking to the rhyming, but it's a bit more questioning and puts a bit of fire in there.
I like this stanza. A lot. One problem: "very". I don't think you need it. Try replacing it with, "You'd hold me, warm and close". It sounds a bit strange, but I feel like the 'warmth' is what is restarting your heart.
This stanza is good, too. The last line is a bit funky. "Because I'm not who I'm meant to be" might sound better, or a variation on that.
Alright. I get confused here. With every other stanza I thought this poem was about an abuser, but now you're talking about death, and then apparently he's not an abuser, and he's helping her....wow. I'm all over the place with this stanza. Honestly, it kind of ruins it for me. I really can't critique it because I don't understand it at all.
If you want to PM me about the meaning of this poem, that would be awesome, and then I could help you more.
Overall, from the top to the second to last stanza, I really liked it. The last stanza confused me, though. Other than than, it was really good! Keep writing and PM me if you have any questions!
-Cassie