Uh....
I don't write poetry. At all. EVER. I don't even know if it belongs in this category.
But... here's what I tampered out this evening.
And, it's supposed to be hard to understand, so. Uhm. Yeah. *ahem*
The night closed the door on the setting sun
Fourteen was she in her room alone
She cooed in a silent song,
“All hath gone,
All hath all hath all hath.”
Breathed on her windowpane is the frost dust of roses
Their withered corpses strewn about the garden ground
She replies in loud quietness,
“All hath gone
All hath, all hath, all hath.”
The sky, which was once laughing,
Fell seriously silent
“All hath gone
All hath, all hath, all hath.”
A tall, burly person with wild hair and dancing eyes
His eyes were halted, his face turned cold by the winter
“All hath gone
All hath, all hath, all hath.”
His heart had turned to stone in her tough, gentle touch
Rather than pursuing her for love, he now pursued her for death
“All hath gone
All hath, all hath, all hath.”
Two happy people in wild love
With her glance were torn apart and weary-eyed
“All hath gone
All hath, all hath, all hath.”
So many deaths by her hand
So many hearts in her bedstand
“All hath gone
All hath, all hath, all hath.”
The door’s heart is beating.
She stands to greet the intruder.
“All hath gone
All hath, all hath, all hath.”
Fifteen is he who enters the room
His heart is full of vengeance
“All hath gone
All hath, all hath, all hath.”
And where his failures peaked out every night
Now are hidden, obvious is his delight
“All hath gone
All hath, all hath, all hath.”
Singing her soft tune
Her hand on her bed is placed
“All hath gone
All hath, all hath, all hath.”
He dives at her quickly
A sharp pain in her chest
Red.
Tears through,
“All hath gone.
All hath.
All hath.
All.
Hath.”
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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I really enjoyed this, but the rhythym could use some work. It was smooth in the beginning, but when you got to "the sky, which was once laughing" things got a little bumpy. Also, the "All Hath" trio didn't work for me :/. It's a nice idea, and if your intentions are to make this into a song, I would put parenthesis around the "All hath"s to signify that its an echo of the lead singer.
Hey Golden!
You can do better! Alliteration is nice, but not for its own sake.Mmmm....So. I kind of like this. Overall, that is.
What I don't like:
Your vocab use could be better in general. A lot of your words were simple and yet nondescript and didn't contribute to imagery. The images you did have (for example, the rose-frost image) were a bit gimmicky.
This piece reminded me somewhat of "The Highwayman" for its repetition and narration. So I suppose what I'm trying to say is that it has potential. I needs a lot of work, but don't give up on it. Keep writing!
Sincerely,
Sam