I never write poetry, so this is kind of an odd thing for me. Tell me how you like this. Critiques always welcome!
She bids the world goodnight with her gracious glow
Promising tomorrow she’d reap the seeds she’d sow
Silence grabs the air as he returns to his throne
The beasts of the dark let out a happy moan
Others scatter around him at the sight
Leaving nothing in the dark but a faint light
There is another who looks up in glee
She is our heart, our ocean, our sea
She looks up and sings much like a bird,
“Hello, and goodnight, my wonderful sir!”
See, for them ‘goodnight’ is not an ending
Quite on the contraire, it is a new beginning
They move as easily as husband and wife
Though they see each other so little their relationship seems blithe
He excites her with a hidden passion
And through her he feels the way the earth is fashioned
They are in love, the ocean and moon
Both addicted to the other’s gentle tune
They sing and dance all night long
Enjoying the sound of a silent song
It’s a cloudless night; they’ve been scattered away
They anxiously await the light of day
The noises of the night are almost deafening
The beasts, the crickets, the ocean all beckoning
But then, suddenly, the moon begins to land
Slowly, it goes, between two scenic hills of sand
She takes the throne again; the sun has risen
And the ocean softly cries, “Good morning, my good sir. Until we meet again.”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Aushy! It's wonderful to see you writing poetry,
Generally, when people approach poetry for the first time, I find that they take to rhyming poems to experiment with. I'm not sure why, though, because to me, poetry is all about expression. I think that the poems which express without limits like rhyme are better for practicing.
Here, my issue with this poem is the rhyme scheme. It's causing you to word these lines in ways that we wouldn't use in conversational English, such as "Leaving nothing in the dark but a faint light". Lines like this set the overall tone of the poem off, in my opinion, because it changes the language and seldom do poems continue in that language.
My other issue with the language aspect of the poem is that it's so simple! I think that the simplicity of it is beautiful in lots of ways on one hand, but on the other hand I am a little nonplussed by it because these are such beautiful average images that you're talking about, and we all perceive them differently, sometimes, so I think you can totally give this to us in a new way. Paint some images out of this stuff, you know?
Though I don't really love the rhyme, I do think you have potential with this, and I would really love to see you touch it up. Hope that helps & Good luck!
June
That was a beautiful poem and you wrote really well for someone who doesn't often write poems. I do agree, however, with eab10 that you need to work on the flow of your work.
Great Work, keep it up
Blair.
Hey!
Anyway, I really liked this. I'm surprised that you don't write poetry a lot. This is definitely not an amateur piece. It didn't really have a flow or anything, but I liked how you rhymed it. Plus, the whole story in the poem is extremely beautiful.
I didn't see and grammatical problems, so I would say you did good with that.
Overall, I really liked this poem! It was beautiful and very well-written. Just work on your word flow. Keep it up!
-Emily