San Francisco mist in morning
over the trees in Golden Gate park
carries over in mourning
to light the Pacific’s dark.
The pyramid sways in sunshine
gray afternoons in Chinatown
little boys and girls walking with old women--
eyes slanted and staring at the sun--
who buy flowers and shark fins
where the world ends and time begins
all inside a crisp deli bag
and the silence of the stray Coca Cola can
on the seagull deck of Pier 39
makes me think about the way leaves blush
in San Francisco autumn,
the emptiness dams inside
as soon as I depart the deck
and swim to the shores of Alcatraz
where there is no longer mist.
The cable cars climb up the hills
the chilly Pacific splitting across the rocks
Lombard, Coit Tower, Embarcadero, the
homeless tapping in the streets with a boombox
and a family stops, stares and tosses a quarter.
Soon the hat jingles with sound
as the man rises and slips to his house
the home that each one of us has always found
veiled in the San Francisco mist.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Hiya. I decided to critique this one because I was stuck in the San Francisco airport for about six hours. I really wanted to get out and see the town, but...well...I didn't.
Anyway, I loved this! You have vivid and interesting imagery, such as leaves blushing and that seemingly-irrelevant but perfect line about the deli bag. However, it also seems that you do a lot of straight-out telling. I know that can be hard to work around when describing a city, but it would make your poem stronger nonetheless.
Then again, when reading over it, you really don't have that much.
Um...this line doesn't work for me. It seems sort of derogatory towards Chinese people. I know you weren't intending anything of the sort, but there might be a more complementary way of saying it.
Overall, good job! Thanks for responding to my critique exchange!
You live in San Fransisco?
Great imagery and description. I agree about with previous review. You need to find a rhythm.
I loved your poem!! And you have described all sides of San Fransisco, the mist in the morning, the golden gate park, Chinatown
Hats off!
-icy
Firstly, let me say I loved it. Your imagery makes me feel as though I have actually been to San Fransico (I haven't) and it makes me feel like buying shark fins (I'm a vegetarian).
However, I was a little confused by the rhythm and rhyme scheme-ness of this poem. I saw some rhyming, but it wasn't consistent, and neither was the rhythm. Because of that, I had a bit of a hard time holding on as I read it. But I have been a bit obsessed with beat lately...
Other than that, fantastic job!
I really enjoyed this. Fantastic job with imagery, and with making your rhyme nice and subtle.
This is the only place the rhyme felt forced and was a little too obvious with park and dark. (Morning and mourning are not rhymes because they are the same word in terms of sound.)Both the rhythm and wording here are a little awkward; I think both problems are due to the word "Chinese". You've already said "Chinatown" so it feels awkward to repeat a similar word so quickly. I also think that line ("little boys...") would flow better without those two syllables.
Probably your best stanza. This brings the speaker into the poem for the first time. The image of the cola can is especially effective. There's also a lot of depth in the action of swimming to Alcatraz. Good stuff.
I felt that the very last line was unnecessary. I think the poem would be improved if you just ended with "...the home that each one of us has always found."
Good stuff--keep working on it!
-Colleen
Mmm.....I really liked the imagery you used in this- however, I think it would suit better to a prose than to a poem.
There wasn't really a rhythm to this piece; which is what spoils the good imagery. The stanzas didn't have much structure.
Should there be a 'the' before morning?
Bit of an awkward sentence.
I really liked the ideas used in this chunk.
Overall, I would like to see more structure in this poem and a better rhythm. Or, perhaps consider turning it into a prose piece, which with your imagery would work really well.
Alainna
xxx