It is a vacant page in the beginning:
a kernel of my pen
yet to be born into a bitter and bare being.
But then, the valley turns to a vast gap of sand
and the tepid, ginger mountains quiver
in response to the stars’ flash in blue
and the snow-capped hills sigh
as in the breeze coiling through the initial snowfall
like a mug of tea in December.
O sing Muse! O sing! and the ink is scintillating
like the infant crooning hymns in the cradle,
a seed from the bottom of my palm dispersing into soil.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
I like this. I'm glad you revised.
If you are willing to revise again, I think there are some minor changes to the texture of the poem that will enhance its beauty.
- The clash of the sound of 'initial' next to 'snowfall' jars the ear unnecessarily.
- I feel as if 'dispersing' in the last line is not the best word choice.
"But then, the valley turns to a vast gap of sand
and the tepid, ginger mountains quiver
in response to the stars’ flash in blue"
This stanza is beautiful. I would take out the comma in the first line. Also, the transition from 'quiver' to 'in response' is another slightly jarring one. Perhaps you could break the stanza into two sentences, or simply change the phrasing somewhat.
This is a really good piece. I always love Ars Poeticas, and you have managed a fine one.
In my book, people who make revisions deserve critiques the most of all. I know my words are going to good use.
Judging by everyone else's reviews, it seems that you've toned this down quite a good deal. There were a couple parts that bothered me, but I had no problem with an imagery overload.
Try: It's a vacant page in the beginning:
or
A vacant page in the beginning
I'd prefer a better segway from S1 to S2, they ought to relate better. I'd like another stanza here, let us plunge into the imagery, let us take a journey. I'd don't want to just switch gears so fast.
On a different note, I'm a sucker for "hot mug of ___" imagery. 'Twas my favorite part.
I made revisions!
Imagery. See, cakes are very good. Delicious, in fact. But if you put too much frosting on a cake, it becomes bad very quickly. It might look good on the surface, all flowers and decorations, but nobody wants to eat something that's more icing than actual cake.
It starts out okay, but as you read the second and then the third line, there's just way too much going on! And not in a good way. Focus on one thing at a time and take it slower.This is how I see this poem, in part because I'm hungry, in part because I think it's an accurate summary. The images alone are gorgeous...but put them all together and it's way too much to take in at once.
Diction. Cleaning up all the excess words will also help get the frosting level on this poem down to a reasonable level.
The first stanza was OK. I immediately cut "nonetheless" because it doesn't make sense at the beginning of the poem. You'd say "nonetheless" to contradict something said previously. But nothing was said previously here, and I can't find any good reason to defy logic in the first line here.
Cutting "a pallid monotony" was a harder decision to make. I felt as though something had to go, but I wasn't sure what it would be. "A pallid monotony" has a good sound, but it doesn't create a very good image. (And I liked "a kernel of my pen" so much better.
This stanza in general needs cleaning up...in fact, I'm not sure the stanza serves much of a purpose. But there's what you could get rid of.
"Steaming" is a word too often used with mug. Mugs of tea, especially in cold months like December, are often steaming, or at least hot, so the word is unnecessary--the image is already in my mind.
My favorite stanza. Best line: "the infact crooning hymns in the cradle." I cut gentle because I felt it didn't really add much, and besides, without it the line has much better rhythm.
I'm ambivalent about the word "scintillating". On one hand, it has an awesome sound and connotation. On the other hand, it might just be excessive and a simpler or shorter word would do.
-Colleen
Wow, your poem has good imagery. You really depicted the scene where a writer first starts out with a blank page then ends it with a creation. I especially love this line.
The image is so colorful.
I like it, but it ended with too much spirit and "could have been" feeling and not enough essence.
Hey gadi,
. I think you know what you're talking about.
I liked this - it was fun to read and and it really does flow beautifully. I can't find any specific things to rearrange, but I do have a general suggestion:
In all poetry, verbs are much stronger than adjectives. I know in your poem you have a variety of both, but at the end I felt kind of emotionally unsatisfied. It doesn't resonate with the reader as much because adjectives are static, whereas verbs represent a movement or action that can stimulate much more thought. I would suggest toning down on the lovely descriptors and using more actions words to create a stronger effect: they are the poem's fuel source and really add strength and solidity to the writing.
But overall this is good stuff - I gave a pretty advanced critique
This started out very good, I felt the the first and the last stanza let us know you were talking about writing. The middle two were just discriptions that took me some where else. Seperate them and you have two great poems.
Together they dont fit. There was to much imagery and it loses the reader.
Carl
Great title and I'm loving the imagery. The progression is great, I must say. From a blank page to whatever you want; this speaks to every writer.
Can't come up with any negatives.
Ciao.