all these little things
its so funny
how all the little things don’t count in the end.
i came upon this revelation
on a summer’s day
of packing. with sunburned, sticky arms
i raise books and toss them in dry
brown carton boxes: this is my own
modus operandi, my own fighting of boredom.
and i scavenge through old homework
papers, and diaries from the fifth grade
and a profusion of aged lemondrop-colored notebooks
bursting from newly opened cabinets.
all these little things
will be thrown away, tossed off—
old papers, old memories, old friendships—
that (maybe certainly) took hours to construct.
and now
it is all washed away
like water from stone.
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Canary word: Present
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I like the water from stone imagery, and this bit especially:
"i came upon this revelation
on a summer’s day
of packing. with sunburned, sticky arms
i raise books and toss them in dry
brown carton boxes: this is my own
modus operandi, my own fighting of boredom."
It's good...simple and good. My only recommendation would be to try not to mention everything being old so much. And I would maybe elaborate on the things you find, to make the memories/emotions/whatever ties you to them, stronger. Like where they came from and what they meant to you at the time.
I like the water from stone imagery, and this bit especially:
"i came upon this revelation
on a summer’s day
of packing. with sunburned, sticky arms
i raise books and toss them in dry
brown carton boxes: this is my own
modus operandi, my own fighting of boredom."
It's good...simple and good. My only recommendation would be to try not to mention everything being old so much. And I would maybe elaborate on the things you find, to make the memories/emotions/whatever ties you to them, stronger. Like where they came from and what they meant to you at the time.
'HOW it's said' meaning the "look" of the writing.
This is nicely written. Although I have to say...perhaps these "little things" may not physically exist anymore, I still think they are embedded within our thoughts and therefore never really gone. I actually like that you didn't bother with punctuation or the sort (why do we have to alter our writing so much to fit the expectations of readers, right? what matters is WHAT is said not HOW it's said) Moreover, I like how you use imagery, giving the reader a sense of what the narrator is looking at.
I really like the content of it; it reminds me of when I go through my own old notebooks and remember things from my past.
One random thing I noticed, though: the lack of capitalization. I don't know if you're trying to be like e.e. cummings (who used no punctuation and no capitals, it was his own style), which is fine, but if you aren't, you might want to change that. Other than that, I really liked it!
~Ryllie
That's really good.
You could make some money off of stuff like that.