August 22
I’m trying to
conquer my
new life but
the only way
I can do it
is through this.
Through sitting
on a warm
morning and
looking out the
window. I’m
listening to
nocturnal
screams. To my
sister slurping
milk. It’s my
birthday. Sometimes
I’d be listening
in the dark. Silence
pushing against my
sheets, eliciting
nothing but my
breaths, skin gossamer
like the curtains
she makes love to.
I hear the slow
susurration of
their sex like
leaves pressing
against each other
in the breeze. I
want to fall
and break a
leg. Someone
might see me
from across the
street and run
over to help
me. Someone
might even ask
for my phone
number. Some
one might be
my friend.
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139,593 Literary Works • 672,612 Reviews
This is really good but try making the spaces a little different it didnt run together very well. and instead of "fall and break a leg" try something maybe a little more dramatic or different than a normal event. I really like the ending and think this can be a really good poem with proper spacing and wording
What exactly is this poem about? I'm sorry i cant see what it means. keep on trying though.. it sounds very poetic..
XOXOXOXOXO
Emma
Gadi. I have to tell you that even if I'm being a desperate stock market analyst, your poems are getting on a more tone of hopelessness....more idleness, less creative. It's my opinion, mind, but do keep in mind. This poem ends up a little awkward (wrong word maybe) because of what I call "filler lines". eggzample-
I’m
listening to
nocturnal
screams.
Sometimes
I’d be listening
in the dark.
I see that maybe you're getting at the fear of the unknown through moving but you have to agree that you could have done better with just any other line. I remember that I'd pelted you once for putting on a rather artificial, personal tone once before but I'll have to say that you've improved on that now. But be careful of shortfalls like letting the more vague emotions onto paper...it has to be done with better word choice, something I still haven't gotten better at.
Silence
pushing against my
sheets, eliciting
nothing but my
breaths, skin gossamer
like the curtains
she makes love to.
I hear the slow
susurration of
their sex like
leaves pressing
against each other
in the breeze.
I see you often get into these ambiguous half blatant sexual remarks.....are you trying to shock the reader? Now, I can find sexuality anywhere as long as it is related to people.....but in a poetry about moving and birthday, it's out of place. And by popping in the "she", I'm given the impression it's addressed to your sister.
Your ending becomes vaguer....why would you feel like breaking a leg if you've just moved to a new position full of new things. Is that the eventual point? All in all, I liked it but not impressed. I'm very confident you can do better....a decade and a half will not be underestimated.
hiiii
1)it is nicely composed but next you write,be a bit careful that you succeed in making the reader understand what you're trying to share
2)i think it lacks a proper order....
once you improve upon a few points,i am sure you'll be a great writer
best of luck
Wasn't entirely sure what this was about. Didn't make a lot of sense to me, sorry!