365
I’ve been waiting since 3:65 yesteryear
to see you in my room,
chewing on an old cigarette and
smiling.
I’ve been doing nothing, really,
sitting around the old couch and
fingering the remote;
and yes, my mother is doing all right.
It never rains there,
and I wish you could come here every day
if only to feel the rain sting
the soft skin around your neck.
But it’s been 365 days too many, and
now that you’re here
I’ve run out of things to say,
watching you force your face
(cigarette smoke coiling in the cold air)
to smile
like there’s no tomorrow.
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140,624 Literary Works • 673,566 Reviews
WOW, this is really deep! I love it. I wonder what inspired you! I think it's beautiful.
Absolutely excellent. I don't really have any real advice of my own, I just thought I'd pass on some that I've been given, that italicizing things is something that you just don't do in poetry (although, even though I followed the advice, I do like italicizing things in poems, and I did like it in this poem, so if you want to leave it, absolutely do so)
Also:
Forgive me if I'm being slow, but I don't get it. 'The sponge around your neck'? What's that supposed to be?
I really love this last verse:)
I'm usually a stickler for having a specific rhythm, but... I wouldn't change a thing about this. (well, except 'too many' instead of 'too much':D)
*adna*
I like the first italization of smiling because it makes it sound wonderfully repulsive.
I don't like the "why ask?" so much; it seems too interruptive. Maybe use this space to instead expand on doing nothing, really.
Third stanza: the sponge around someone's neck seems random. I see its function, but the simple fact that it's there seems out of place. If it were a metaphor that the person's neck is a sponge, however, that would be something different. In any case, why is it important what the person's like, only the fact that the narrator wants to meet with him?
Well, technically, it should be 365 days too many.
I don't like the italization of smile in the last stanza. It's already been done, and using the same technique seems to make both less effective. An ellipsis between "to" and "smile" might work, if you're looking for other options.
An interesting tone.
Hiya there! I don't know anything about poetry, but wondered if you'd like my thoughts:
'I’ve been waiting since 3:65 yesteryear
to see you in my room,
gnawing on an old cigarette and
smiling.'
I thought this was a bit strange, but I guess it goes with the poem, and I really liked it.
This is a really good poem, not a lot I can say, just nice job and wow!
Keep writing!
~D'Aedomir~
ps: write some more to go with this!
Wow! There really isn't any advice I can give you. I really loved this poem. It was very simple but yet effective. Nice job!
Mmm, nice. It's good to read something original. It's almost flimsy, but I guess in some ways that adds to the effect.
Too many?
In general, nice, but I think you might like to add a bit more meat .
There wasn't really any rhythm... but this was awesome! I agree that somehow, it seemed really good, even if it was different.
Really cool.
No edits!
Keep writing, definitely!!
Teh Wozzinator
Wow. This was just fabulous. I loved your use of different forms of punctuation, spacing, and style in there (parenthesis, dashes, italics) - they just add so much to the poem somehow.
I couldn't really find a consistent rhythm, but the poem didn't really need it in my opinion. While I couldn't find it out loud, my eyes skimmed over it nicely.
I really liked this. It was sad, but it was a really nice story. I was really touched by its simplicity.
Congratulations! *applause*
~GryphonFledgling
Nice!
This was really awesome! It was nice and simple, and it struck a chord in me somewhere =D *claps* ... *shakes head* This WAS really cool - so much better than some of the published things I read
The only mistake (?) I noticed was this:
I’ve been waiting since 3:65 yesteryear -------------------- is it meant to be "365" not, "3:65"?
Cheers!
- jai -