the mud was trickling
in between your toes, as you blushed
behind apollo’s sun.
i heard you shriek
and then a wet tapping on the
soil, then the separation
of skin and sludge,
like a damp kiss.
muah.
i was a god with
a cup of wine in my fingers,
as i twirled and twirled
it, feeling the slow vibration
in my fingertips
and smelling grass
cut fresh
and mud that flows
like cake batter.
if all i ever heard was the
squashing of your soles
against the earth
i would be thankful.
and when you blushed like
a true penelope
i felt like i was
a man who could see the bridges
over the sun
and a man who could walk miles
just to make love with his
beloved.
if all i ever heard was the
slow, morning dirt
pulp and squeeze through your toes
i would weep
and
blind eyes can weep.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Wow.
I thought this was really good.
I really liked the MUAH part.
I thought it showed voice and enthusiam.
I wouldnt change anything but just consider revisiing gramer
Okay, so I'm not really a poetry person, but I'll do my best.
I really liked this, although I think you should use capitals when needed. It would just look better.
Why? What is this here for? What does it mean? I just don't see the purpose of muah, and I've got no idea why it's there.
I didn't understand this last part. It seemed so different to the rest of the poem.
Overall, I really liked it. It was different, and didn't really seem to have a rhythm, but it was nice. I liked the imagery and the wording.
This is rather gorgeous. Vivid, but dreamlike at the same time. I love "appolo's sun."
Lol. Anyway, the "damp kiss" line is a lot more subtle without the "muah."
Two infinitesimal nitpicks:
In L5, I'd replace "tapping" with "patter."
The "muah" is indeed out of place. I don't think it's really an onomatopoeia kind of poem... and kisses don't even really sound like that...
I think you should leave it uncapitalized. It works.
Mm this was lovely. Kudos!
That is a really awkward line break and it does nothing for the poem. Other than that and some capitalization of sentences and I's, I loved this. The imagery is great, and it's really sweet poem. Nice.
~Yoyo
This is very nice, Gadi. It's a nice, unified image that continues throughout but also progresses. At first I was thinking, "Oh. Dear. I have to read a WHOLE poem about mud"
and then I read it, and actually appreciated it.
How can a blind man see her blush both here and later in the poem? Or is he not actually blind? I thought he was blind. If he isn't, that almost seems to devalue the last few lines.
Punctuation suggestion? No comma after sludge because a pause sounds awkward there and if it were a sentence, it wouldn't be gramatically correct anywho; either a period after kiss or a period after muah, but periods after both just seems to bog things down. By the way, I love "muah". It has such a slurpy mud sound to it.
Maybe put another "it" in the third line above so that it reads "i twirled it and twirled it". Makes that part seem more like a real aside.
I don't like cake batter [well, of course I like cake batter, just not in the context of this poem]. Stick with the nature imagery.
These lines are why I thought he was blind, in addition to others.
I have no idea what a penelope is.
Take another look at your stanzas. They're all rather short and I think a few of them could be easily combined (that is, the space between them eliminated) for conciseness.
I love this ending. And that's all there is too it ^_^
i was a god with
a cup of wine in my fingers,
as i twirled and twirled
it, feeling the slow vibration
in my fingertips
Alright you need some help on this one dude. capitalize "i" to"I"
don't end the sentence with "with" That needs a comma if you do. at the end of the word "Fingers" take out the comma and change to a period. Keep "it" on third line of the stanza. After vibration you need a perioD.
and smelling grass This right here is just one sentence. Do not and I repeat DO NOT start your sentence with "And!"
cut fresh
and mud that flows Again what i said above.
like cake batter.
if all i ever heard was the Capitalize If and add a comma at the end of "the"
squashing of your soles
against the earth
i would be thankful.
and when you blushed like
a true penelope
i felt like i was
a man who could see the bridges
over the sun
and a man who could walk miles
just to make love with his
beloved.
if all i ever heard was the
slow, morning dirt
pulp and squeeze through your toes
i would weep
and
blind eyes can weep. This is not good here don't leave "And" by itself.
This got a lot of errors that repeat themselves the poem wasn't great but if you have any questions about what i critiqued PM me ok.
SimonCowellLuver
That is indeed very beautiful. I think you should keep the no-caps -- it emphasizes the poem, I think: it made it feel...free.
Get rid of the muah, it's out of place.
The word "tapping" doesn't seem strong enough, and it puts the wrong mental image in my head. Pounding or trembling, maybe.
The repetition of "weep" was a bit iffy, maybe you could replace the second one with "cry"?
A pleasure to read! I'll keep an eye out for your other work.
Cheers,
Sumi
Wow. That was beautiful. Overall, I loved it, but I do have a few minor critiques.
Capitalization would help. Not the first word of every line, but I, the first word of a sentence, and proper nouns (Apollo, Penelope), should be capitalized. It's easier to appreciate your words when readers aren't distracted by such an omission.
Loved the stanza, but not liking the "muah." It took me a second to realize it was the sound effect of the kiss and not an evil laugh. It doesn't add much. I'd take it out.
The set-off "and" threw me off because it's not a terribly significant word on its own. Up to this point, I hadn't even noticed your repetition of "and", but this one stuck out too much. Make this one line, and your ending will be stronger.
Overall, I thought this was great, it just needs a few tweaks. Keep writing!