Young Writers Society

Hi Forever,

Mailice again here with a short review!

A lot of things seem clearer now with this chapter, because the plot now provides the further answers that happened in the last one. I find it interesting how the story develops here and how Ceyhn defends herself against these Gorpies. I find that she quickly gets to the point and after the initial hesitation also shows that she has no desire for these characters as well as a possible death (which is understandable.) I was very surprised how the chapter developed and how now the Gorpies deal with her. Suddenly crowning her as a queen (and the first one) was very unexpected, but I assume it has to do with the fact that she is not a full Gorpie and comes from the surface of the earth. I'm still curious to see what happens next.

One thing that struck me was the approach of so many short sentences. Try putting yourself in Ceyhn's shoes, or just think. How are your sentences put together in your head? Are they that short too, or do they ramble on more?

All these so-called-Gorpies leave me alone. I am really feeling uncomfortable among these people. I am not getting a clear sign to justify that they have kidnapped me. To add to my horror, I see a towering man approaching me and strange enough, he has eye colour which appears to be a mixture of red and green. He appeared out of nowhere. He is being followed by some other men. If this continues for sometime more, I will suffer from hallucinations.

I'll call this paragraph the "rough version". You've already built up a good point, but it gets lost again here. It's time to polish it up. For example, here is my version:

All these so-called Gorpies leave me alone.

I'm not really sure, but I am feeling really uncomfortable among these people. I'm not seeing what is going to happen to me. Did they kidnapped me or is this some kind of prank? I don't know any more how this will end. And now... to all the horror that I'm already witnessing, there is this towering man coming near me. It feels like an eternity. How long does it take to make these few meters?

He's standing in front of me. I'm only now realizing, that he was followed by some other ugly looking men. But now, I'm seeing his eye colour. It looks like a mixture of red and green. Is this real? Or am I hallucinating?

As you can see, I've expanded it a bit and it seems more fluid now. I think you can also improve it and brighten it up with your style. I don't know exactly how to explain it, but you have to try, when you are writing, not only to write it, but also to read it. You have to imagine that I'm going to read your story, but I can't see inside your head and so I don't know all the extra information you have, and so some points seem a bit unclear to the reader. It's like a very long hallway where there are closed doors with dog flaps everywhere. I can see through the flap, but I can't get in because that's your thoughts behind it. I can follow the corridor and see all the flaps and thus understand something of what you're doing, but just not everything.

I'm curious to see what the next chapter will be.


Have fun writing!

Mailice

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!! This is going to be my first review for #RevMo and also for the Checklist Challenge...woohoo!!

First Impression: Okayy....soo, this is an interesting turn of events, of all the places I was expecting this story to go, this chapter ending with our character here as the queen of these Gorpies was definitely not something I'd have imagined at all...and I love that little twist..it definitely makes things so much more interesting now.

Anyway let's get right to it,

All these so-called-Gorpies leave me alone. I am really feeling uncomfortable among these people. I am not getting a clear sign to justify that they have kidnapped me. To add to my horror, I see a towering man nearing me and strange enough, he has eye colour which appears to be a mixture of red and green. He appeared out of nowhere. He is being followed by some other men. If this continues for sometime more, I will suffer from hallucinations. I see the ceiling where the man's head almost touches. Fire. It too is fire.

The man stares at me. "Who are you kid?" He asks, his face filled with terror. His facial expressions are enough to make me laugh.

Well...this is starting to become fun...it looks like things are really going to perhaps get a bit of a move along in this chapter now that the initial shocks and introductions have all been done in the previous chapter.

"I am Cehyn and what your people told me? Oh yeah, I am not a full Gorpy. Quite interesting." I reply, smiling. I have to make them bewildered.

"What!" He exclaims, "Where did you live for this long?"

"On Earth unlike you stupid Gorpies."

"You can't. You are lying. You-you," He clearly has an ordering tone, "Well, we need to discuss. Sit down. We need to talk."

Hmm...well the place we saw Cehyn in earlier was definitely Earth and not anything else as far as I could see...soo, that one's definitely not lying...but..well, isn't that a very intriguing detail...that these creatures would be quite so afraid of the prospect of Earth like that...that seems like a very interesting detail right there.

"Who are you and why will I certainly listen to you?" I shot back. This is becoming irritating now.

"How dare you to insult our king like that?" One of the man's followers screams, "If you do it, you will share the same fate as these humans." He points towards the humans lying on the rock.

Uh oh...the king of a land that you're a visitor in is the very last person that you want to get on the bad side of...although to be fair here, I don't believe the king actually introduced himself as a king...so that's kind of his fault too there.

It's best to obey. I can't guarantee that these people are not ruthless, no matter how funny they are. However, the remark–king! If this person were the President of our country, it would have surely collapsed. I sit on a nearby burning rock.

"You are very lucky that you are not dead yet. However, you must tell us where you were for this long. One single lie, get ready for being condemned to death." The man aka the king says. He is trying to make his voice deep but failing miserably.

Hmm...well it looks like these people are in general not the biggest fans of lying...and that seems like a great plan in general, you do like to see that, although I suppose the punishment there is a tiny bit too harsh there.

"I lived ON Earth and not inside the Earth unlike you people." I answer sarcastically but sadly the man identifies it.

"How dare you insult us? How are you able to tolerate this temperature?"

"Didn't one of your men say that I am a Gorpy?" Surely, these people are lying. Who forgets their own sayings if one doesn't lie?

"He was wrong" the man shot back, "We can't live on the Earth. The temperature kills us."

Okay...well, as interesting as that part of the conversation, Earth kind of has a very wide variety of temperatures, and some of its hottest locations can get fairly hot...soo...this is a bit of a vague statement there...just scientifically there...

If I get a chance, I will surely take them to that temperature but I don't need to. They are obviously on the Earth and not in the Earth.

"It didn't kill me." I say, cheerfully.

"I am not joking. Tell me who you are." He appears to be quite angry, probably from the fact that he is not being successful at confusing me.

Okay....wel looks Cehyn is going into sassy mode there...but also it looks like they're not quie believing the fact that they're inside the Earth, or maybe they do believe it, but they can't seem to understand the fact that these creatures don't know they're inside the Earth.

"A human being if not a Gorpy." I answer.

"Enough bring me a ceity and let me kill her."

"Sir, but she can–" One man try to interrupt but is cut short by the king.

"I have ordered you to bring it."

Well isn't that what you love to hear...just people slowly planning out your murder in the background...delightful...

I wonder how they are planning to kill me and what this ceity thing actually is. The person whom the kind ordered go towards the wall and disappear. It's quite interesting how these people have created a mystery in this place. He appear within a few second with what looks like a chunk of ice hold carefully by two tongs like things.

I laugh. They are planning to kill me with a chunk of ice? They are the stupidest people in the whole world.

"Give it to me." The king say, his voice is artificially grave. He throws the ice with a minor cannonball throwing machine. I simply block it by my hands and it backfires. It hits the king.

Well....I have a feeling that Cehyn here is going to be a bit of a super being in front of these folks..cause that sounded like some kind of deadly weapon that Cehyn just batted aside as it was nothing....

"Sir, Sir," All the green-eyed people run towards him. He is lying unconscious on a rock.

"You fool! You killed our king!" A green-eyed man shout at me accompanied by background screamings from the greens.

On the other hand, the red-eyed people's eyes are full of glee. "You are our new queen. Hurray! And the first from our kingdom." One of them tells running towards me. I can't understand what's going on.

Uh oh...it appears to be one of the kingdoms where you get to be the ruler if you kill the previous ruler and I have a feeling Cehyn here is going to end up with a lot more to deal with that what she was expecting...hmm also the subjects of the kingdom there switched their allegiance to a new queen really fast there...almost a bit too fast, enough to cause suspicion.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I'm liking the direction that this is slowly heading in. I feel like we're slowly getting to know our protagonist fairly well by now...the Gorpies are still a bit of a mystery but they've been quite interesting so far. All in all, I'm liking where this is going...and I'm really interested to see how Cehyn is going to react here to being called as the queen.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hey Forever!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

This is a nice continuation of where we left off. I have to admit though, Cehyn does not seem to react as I thought she would. I mean if I fell through a hole in the forest and landed at some other world made of fire where strange people in strange armors accuse me of being a species I have not even heard of, then I would most definitely fall into a state of panic and would probably not be able to form a coherent sentence. However, Cehyn is simply frustrated at the people for not telling her what is going on, she isn't afraid, she isn't nervous, she makes sarcastic comments and feels almost oddly okay with breathing and being on fire. Her reaction just feels a little unbelievable. Or maybe some part of her accepts that she was different all along, and that 'Gropy' side of her isn't all creeped out with all this as a normal person would be. I don't know, maybe you could clarify that?

While we get to know a bit more about the gropies, we still don't really know anything about them at all. They are divided into kingdoms, the green-eyed and the red-eyed, but what is the basis of their division - is it simply the eye color? Or is it something more that made the red eyed gropies so ecstatic at the death of their king?

I also feel like you should include a bit more descriptions. We don't really anything about the place except that it is made of fire. You are creating a visual world here without putting the actual visuals in. It becomes a little difficult for the reader to imagine the situation in their head without some basic idea about the place. Sure, I can imagine the fire everywhere, but what else? What shade are the flames? What place are they in? You mention a ceiling, what is that about? You should try to play with the details a bit.

Now some minor points I noticed:

"Who are you and why will I certainly listen to you?"

I feel like the 'certainly' does not really work here. It will be better as: "Who are you and why shall I listen to you?"

"How dare you to insult our king like that?"

The 'to' isn't really necessary here, and serves no purpose.

"Enough bring me a ceity and let me kill her."

There needs to be a pause after 'enough' to create the right effect, maybe put an exclamation mark?

The person whom the kind ordered go towards the wall and disappear. It's quite interesting how these people have created a mystery in this place. He appear within a few second with what looks like a chunk of ice hold carefully by two tongs like things.

Now, there are a couple of 'es' missing from here. For example, the 'go' after 'ordered' will be 'goes', the disappear' will be 'disappears', the 'appear' will be 'appears'. There are similar errors following this part.
Also, what mystery does she refer to here? Clarify that for the readers?

One of them tells running towards me.

The 'tells' will be better replaced as 'says'.

That's all.

Over all, this was a great chapter.

Keep up the good work and have a great day!