Cehyn In The Earth(Chapter 5.1)

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm baaack!!

First Impression: Hmm...this is a nice start to this chapter, you can really so how much she wants to help out Eliza here and she's willing to go quite far here...you also get a show of the kind of fitness level she is at with that massive run she did there.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The giant screen was made up of iron and bordered by burning fire on all four sides. It was larger than the largest screen Cehyn had seen in her whole lifetime. Not only that, the picture quality was also the best. She could clearly see Eliza struggling and fumbling in the dark as she had once done. The screen itself was brown, that was the colour of the mud in which Eliza was stuck. The only source of light was the fire on the four sides.

Cehyn had to save Eliza. The memory of when she suffered the same situation clouded her mind, restraining her from thinking. That of saving Eliza was the only thought that lingered in her mind. She couldn’t at any cost let Eliza share the same fate as her. Surely, Eliza was a human being- she had no traits of the Gorpies. She would die if she came in the Trog. Cehyn was certain of all these; she had suddenly started to believe the Gorpies.

Hmm...you can clearly she that she does care for her friend quite a bit here...it looks like she's going to try and do her best to save here there, although judging from the way that the second paragraph is phrased, it looks like Eliza isn't going to be able to survive in the land of the Gorpies as well as Cehyn is doing at the moment...which is definitely an interesting point to consider here.

“We need to save her. Is there a way?” Cehyn asked or rather the tone suggested an order for the Gorpies to find a way.

“We are not supposed to go out.” A man said, horrified. Cehyn was too worried to notice that some letters were carved on the metal dress that the man wore.

“Can you people find a way or not?” Cehyn shouted at the top of her voice.

“We are not-”

“Yes or no?”

Hmm...so that seems to suggest perhaps they aren't intent of having any harm come to Eliza if they are somewhat considering helping the girl despite not having any actual ideas on how to go about doing it...earlier I was worried they were going to make Ceyhn kill Eliza for some kind of test of loyalty or something like that.

“There is a way.” A girl said. This girl was the one who for the first time reasoned about the changes in Cehyn’s appearance.

“What is it?” Cehyn asked sternly. All the faces around her were white with fear.

“What is the way?” she repeated.

“You have to go on Earth.” The girl said. Cehyn was a bit relieved to hear that there was a way. She noticed the word ‘Absya’ carved on the metal dress of the girl.

Oooh, that will be very interesting, I was wondering when Cehyn was going to get a chance to actually return to Earth. It has been about four chapters now that we spent inside the Earth here.

“How will I go?”

The faces around looked at each other as if having a speechless conversation and finally all turned towards Absya; Cehyn found it easier to refer to her by that name rather than a girl. She spoke “Through a volcano.”

“Volcano,” Cehyn gasped, “How can I travel through a volcano?” Her heart filled with trepidation, still staring at struggling Eliza.

“Come with me” Absya almost drew Cehyn with her.

Ooooh, well that actually sounds kind of plausible considering they are at the center of the Earth, and if Cehyn is actually completely fireproof she shouldn't have too much trouble..although it might be a bit hard to breathe inside a volcano....well at any rate, looks like these folks are actively trying to help...and well this sounds like its going somewhere exciting here.

They moved towards what looked like a cave. This cave had to be the best cave in the World. First, it was taking Cehyn to Eliza and second the walls of the cave were as smooth as metal, after all that was what it was made up of.

The cave seems to stretch to an eternity. “Where does it end? We have to go fast.” Cehyn said briskly.

“Then we should run. Will we?” Absya replied.

“Okay, let’s run.”

Oooh, I love this little detail here, you can really get a good sense of how much she does care about Eliza with this sense of urgency that Cehyn tries to create here...and that adds towards the overall relationship of the two friends too so that we get a good picture despite how little we have seen of the two of them.

After a span of about two hours, they reached the end of the cave but the journey was not over. There was a flight of innumerable stairs. Cehyn doubted that the Gorpies had any other building material except iron. “We have to climb these too?” She asked and was answered in the positive.

Wow...two hours like literally an entire marathon's worth of running, which is ridiculous to imagine....and well this just proves just how fit Cehyn must be if she managed to go for that long without stopping, especially considering her age.

Climbing 500 stairs without any rest was a thing. Cehyn, the basketball champion and a good sportsman in general also felt tired. This place was hugely different from the Trog, though Cehyn wasn’t sure if it was a part of the Trog or not. It was made up of rocks on all sides. The appearance of the place was of some change to her eyes. She could also hear some vague sounds but that was not her business now.

The description there sounds a bit rushed there...it doesn't quite manage to paint as clear of a picture as you'd like there....and I like to see that Ceyhn does seem to have her limits and know said limits judging by how she says the five hundred steps are going to be a bit tougher to climb.

Cehyn looked at Absya to ask her what to do. Inside she felt a downfall of her self-esteem but she had nothing to do. Absya looked grave.

“Before going, you have to promise me that you will come back.” Absya’s sweet voice changed into a terrifying voice. She seemed to be more serious than Eliza during a test.

Cehyn didn’t have time to think. She said briskly, “Okay, okay, I will. Now show me the way!”

“Okay but remember you have to come back.” Absya said, stressing each syllable.

Hmm, Abysa seems strangely attached to Cehyn there, they've barely known each other for a few hours but she really seems to want her to come back..I wonder if its got to do with some special connection or if she just doesn't want their queen to leave them.

“SHOW ME THE-”

“Take this. It will help you find your friend.” Absya handed over a rectangular small metal box to Cehyn. Within no time, Cehyn felt herself traveling upwards, perhaps faster than light.

Oooh, well isn't that a very handy little device...Abysa has quite a few tricks up her sleeve by the looks of it...well what happens next should be pretty interesting to see.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, a pretty solid looking piece, there's a couple of hiccups here and there, the biggest of which is the slight lack of description of this new place they end up in...but otherwise, this looks really quite good here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hi Forever,

Mailice here with a short review!

cI can understand why it is divided into two parts, not only because of the length but also because of a good cliffhanger.

Let's start right away with what caught my attention. You put in some good descriptions and explained it in a comprehensible way, which I like. One thing I also noticed is that you try to familiarise yourself with synonyms.

I think the progression of the story is very good and has a good pace too. Despite Cehyn's rush to save Eliza, I like how it didn't feel like that when I read it. You definitely took your time to add some points or explanations. I especially liked the detail that you once introduced Ceyhn as the basketball player and athlete after they took the stairs up. that was a good detail that I liked.

There were still some minor spelling mistakes in the text, but not very many. Maybe three or four I found.

One thing that did make me wonder, though, was that Cehyn is now theoretically the queen of the Gropies, but she's still allowed to leave her place so easily and no one stopped her there? Wouldn't they at least have tried to keep her here because she had just arrived?

Otherwise, I liked the chapter and I'm curious to see how Cehyn can save her friend and, above all, whether she will go back to the Gropies later.

Some points that caught my eye:

Not only that, the picture quality was also the best.

I don't know why, but this detail put a smile on my face. I would have liked to read it if the story was still in first-person narrative form.

Cehyn was certain of all these;

I´m not sure about this, but shouldn´t it be “this” instead of “these”.

This cave had to be the best cave in the World.

That's a bit of an odd comment but with the explanation that follows it kind of makes sense that it's some kind of shaft or something. Just a small point here; world is written in lower case.

“Stop, stop, not so fast. I am running. You better walk.” She called from behind.

Just before that, Cehyn spoke that they must hurry. I can understand that the girl makes this suggestion, but Cehyn makes no comment here that they must continue to hurry?

Climbing 500 stairs without any rest was a thing.

I would write out the number.

Have fun writing!

Mailice

Hey Forever!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

I realized for the first time today, that the term is 'Gorpies' and not 'Gropies'. I don't know how I suddenly noticed it today or why I hadn't before.

Anyways, onto the review!

I think the most brilliant thing about your works is that you actually see the improvement in every chapter. And I have to say, even though it's only the fifth chapter, you have some a long way since that first. Your writing feels a lot more developed now, there is structure in your text, and the little details and descriptions that had been lacking before. Even the grammatical errors have reduced in number and I think you will be able to see that if you just go through your chapters one by one. So, yes, you are doing a brilliant work.

Now the chapter itself did not have the fast pace of before. You seem to be taking much more time to explore Cehyn's thoughts and I think that is brilliant. Even though this one did not have any major cliffhangers or pot twists, I liked it for it's simplicity and it's unhurried pace. We can actually take in the place now that you are not rushing through it.

So Cehyn is now going back to the Earth to save Eliza. I am not sure how she is going to do that but I like how determined she is. I think it is the most concrete and strong reaction we have got from her. It helps establish their friendship and bond, especially as we have seen them consider each other as family in the first chapter.

Now, some tiny nitpicks:

That of saving Eliza was the only thought that lingered in her mind.

The 'that of' makes the sentence sound a little weird and out of place. You do not need it.

This girl was the one who for the first time reasoned about the changes in Cehyn’s appearance.

This sentence feels a little strange, especially with your use of the word 'reasoned'. Maybe you could rewrite it as "This girl was the one who for the first time had pointed out the changes in Cehyn’s appearance."

“Then we should run. Will we?”

"Will we?" will be better replaced with "Shall we?"

She seemed to be more serious than Eliza during a test.

I liked the little bit of humor you included here.

I think you can work a little on the punctuation, but otherwise this was a pretty solid chapter.

Keep writing and have a great day!