Cehyn in the Earth(Chapter 2)

Hi Forever,

Mailice back with another review!

The switch between realism and fantasy has come now, and I like the way you've turned it around. It's heading towards a first climax now, which I like, and you notice how some things that were reading in the first chapter are coming more into importance here. Ceyhn is a very direct character. She speaks what she thinks and you can see that clearly. You have already created a great tension. Your descriptions are always good, but they are still quite short. I think it's possible to continue like this, especially because it's written in first person, but I would at least try to be a bit more detailed. If necessary, you can write something like that and take it out of the chapter later or shorten it. It's always better to have more than less.

I really like the first person narrative. I always wrote my first stories in this form, too, because I thought it was easier and it also helps to make the character more familiar if you give the character the thoughts you have yourself. You manage to be expressive and clear here.

It's noticeable that you're still searching for finding. You're hovering a bit between short story and book story, and I think you still have to find the key to open the right door. You are definitely on the right track. You've created a structure that arouses curiosity and makes you wonder what's going to happen next, which I really like. Because that's the most important thing in a chapter, it has to be like a swing, you're rocking back and forth, and when you get to the end of a chapter you should be at the highest point before coming down, so that it can continue like that in the next chapter.

I'm wondering now how you started writing. Did you make notes of what the plot was going to be? Or did you develop the characters and then a plot? Or did you start writing at random? Either way, it's important to have an outline, like a plan to build a house. How many chapters do you want the story to be? What do I want to show in some chapters? Are there such things as checkpoints, important moments or plot twists in between? Of course, these are all approximations that you can always change, but if you have a structure, like this thread, it's easier to write. Just imagine a ladder that has no rungs. You can climb up with it, but it'll be easier if you add rungs.

Other points that stood out to me:

I remember the terrible experience of slipping down the hole. I was never that afraid in life.

Since the last chapter follows on from this one, I thought she had just fallen down a few seconds ago. Here, though, it seems like it's been a while.

Hell. It really feels like I am in hell now. Everywhere around me is fire- the walls are burning, even the floor is burning. Eliza told me about how hell is a month ago. The place wholly matches with the description. Seems like I have slipped into the hell through that hole.

The main focus is on hell at the moment, but I wouldn't use the word so often. Even if you have a first person narrator, it doesn't always make sense to repeat yourself, even though it might be a kind of character trait.

The most interesting fact are the dragons. They are no longer alive on the Earth. I must be lucky to see them.

What do these dragons look like?

7000 km below the surface of the Earth."

The case itself reminded me a lot of Alice in Wonderland, but here I must briefly interject that it is only 6000 km to the Earth's core. It is a fantasy story, but I assume that the beginning of the story started on our earth.


Have fun writing!

Mailice

Hey!!

RandomTalks here for a review!

First of all, wow. From how the first chapter ended, I did not expect that. The story has just taken a 180 degree turn and I am excited to see how it all turns out.

I think your writing style has vastly improved since the previous chapter. This one feels a lot more compact and constructive. You seem to have your thoughts in order and you know exactly what you want the readers to experience while reading your story. That is a very good advantage to have.

I like where the plot is going so far. You have created a whole other world, and while it's going to be difficult building it up from scratch through just your imagination, it is going to be a very interesting journey for us readers. We don't really have an idea of who the Gropies are exactly, but I feel like a lot of explanations are going to come in the following chapters. I am really curios about one thing though. Cehyn dropped there through a hole in the forest while looking for Eliza, and the other gropies were really surprised to see her which means they weren't expecting her and had nothing to do with the hole in the forest. But if an opening to another world (wherever they are) is just lying around in the forest, how come none else has fallen through? They would die most likely due to all the fire, but there must be some report of other disappearances right? I am not sure about that, I am just wondering out loud.

Now, I noticed a few lines that could do with a little rearranging and changing of words. You can ignore this part if you want to!

Eliza told me about how hell is a month ago.

Maybe change this sentence to "Eliza told me what hell is like about a month ago." The 'how' in your original sentence feels a little out of place, but this one is totally subjective!

They are no more alive on the Earth.

Similarly, the word 'more' does not really fit in here. Maybe change it to, "They are no 'longer' alive on the Earth."

I don't remember their names but they are called something like nick and the ion.

This one is just out of curiosity. Did you mean 'nick and ion' here or 'nick and iron'. Could be either one I guess, I am just making sure.

Haven't I being kidnapped by these people?

The 'being' definitely does not work here. Change it to "Haven't I 'been' kidnapped by these people?" I also like her reaction in this part. While most people would probably go into shock if they dropped through a hole in the forest and found themselves surrounded by fire and weird lookalikes of them in metal armors, Cehyn is more focused on maintaining a level of disgust and attitude with the people as she realizes they must have kidnapped her!

I sprang up to see what I was sitting on. Fire! It was a large block of fire.

While the rest of the story is in the present tense, you suddenly switch to the past here. This is such a common mistake that it can be considered insignificant, but the tense inconsistencies often break the flow of the story.

I can't understand what that mean but evidently, they are trying to confuse me.

The 'mean' will be 'means' here, "I can't understand what that means".

That's all.

This was a really interesting chapter and I am excited to see what happens next.

Keep writing and have a great day!

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okay, wow this story did not go where I thought it would. With it starting out in a simple basketball game situation. But, I do love where this has gone now, falling down into some deep hidden civilization and having main character realize they're a part of it is certainly a very interesting turn of events.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I blink my eyes hard and fast to understand where I am. I remember the terrible experience of slipping down the hole. I was never that afraid in life.

Hmm, well isn't that interesting, that sounds like we've almost had ourselves a tiny bit of a time skip here, and the fall is finished and our protagonist is just sort of beginning to try and figure out where she is.

Hell. It really feels like I am in hell now. Everywhere around me is fire– the walls are burning, even the floor is burning. Eliza told me about how hell is a month ago. The place wholly matches with the description. Seems like I have slipped into the hell through that hole. However, the place is quite intriguing. I can even see some other human beings lying around and also... Some other people talking in clusters. The most interesting fact are the dragons. They are no more alive on the Earth. I must be lucky to see them. Suddenly, there is a confused talk among the people. One of those people point at me and then...

Well...Hell's certainly a pretty extreme place to end up in...well that makes things quite a bit interesting there...I wonder how this person ended up falling into that of all places, or maybe this is just something resembling Hell but actually isn't hell, it isn't like they have confirmation there....but at any rate, this is pretty intriguing here, and of course when you mention dragons....well that's always super interesting.

I understand why people stare at my red eyes. Most of those people have red eyes and a few with green. The eyes are so unsettling. I can't look directly at them. Not to mention, they look like me. Yes, completely like me. The same dark-coloured skin, crooked eye-brows, tall and thin. The only place where they differ from me is the clothes. The clothes, if they can be called that, were not of any kind of fabric. The clothes were of metal, I don't remember their names but they are called something like nick and the ion. Eliza told me once. They look more like armours than clothes.

Well...that's definitely pretty intriguing...to have every single person look like our protagonist here and have similar eerie red eyes....well, the red eyes thing I suspected from earlier certainly seems to be playing into it somehow....and this is just very mysterious here and I love that.

"Where am I?" I ask putting a full stop at their stares.

"In the Trog, the land of Gorpies, of course." One of the people answers. He looks strange but not stranger than the others. He is a bit shorter than the others but taller than me I will have a good problem at distinguishing them. They all have the same appearance except the eye colours and heights.

Okayy...well...its not exactly a name to strike fear into anyone's heart there...but well, its certainly mysterious and I suppose it is hard to tell how good or bad the situation is cause we as readers have no idea who these Gorpies are.

"What!?" I say, now I have a thought that I can't really avoid. Haven't I being kidnapped by these people? That could be a trap. Yes, must be so. I glare at them in disgust. They must have trapped Eliza for the purpose.

"Where am I? Tell me the truth." I ask.

Okay...well, this is in an interesting outlook for our protagonist to be having here...her jumping right to the conclusion that these folks have kidnapped her definitely makes sense in one way, but also...she has to be more curious than this about the other mysteries here...I wonder why she doesn't ask them about why they look like her and such here...

They backfire at me. "Are you a human being?"

What a weird question! Like I don't look like a human being. "Obviously, I am." I answer and shrug at the same time. They are trying to confuse me but hah, they don't know me.

Definitely not a typical question someone would ask, but I have a feeling our protagonist here isn't actually a human being judging by how similar she is to these people...at any rate, that's the feeling I'm getting here.

They exchange some looks. I can't really understand what their faces read. However, it feels like they are conversing in a voiceless language. Ultimately, they look at me. "You are lying. Those stupid human beings can't tolerate this temperature. You can't be a human being."

"There's nothing wrong with the temperature. It's quite normal." I answer but my answer strucks me. How can it be normal? It's fire all around. The temperature must be high as everyone says it but, why can't I feel it?

Hmm, yeah those are certainly good points right there...I love how it takes quite a bit of time for our protagonist here to realize that...and the way that they try and deny it here, that's a pretty realistic reaction there.

"Can't you feel the temperature of what you are sitting on?" A person asks.

I sprang up to see what I was sitting on. Fire! It was a large block of fire. I look at them, bewildered.

"You can't be a human being." One of them concludes.

"What am I, then AND WHERE AM I?"

"You are a Gorpy but not fully. You are in the Trog, 7000 km below the surface of the Earth."

Whoa...well, that is quite the reveal to end the second chapter here...well...I mean, I guess I predicted this, but still, very powerful line there to end off on, does a pretty good job as a decent cliffhanger here, this line.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, a pretty solid looking first chapter here...I do love where this is going....and I can't wait to see how this person's going to react to this information in the next chapter.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry