Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm baaack for another review!!

First Impression: Well the biggest thing I notice is the tense change....and I think its a change for good perhaps, with this we're getting more descriptions of the surroundings here...and that's helpful although we does miss out a bit on Cehyn's thoughts and opinions, perhaps you can try to include a bit more of those with italics here and there.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Cehyn's eyes were burning, it was impossible to keep them open and see what was going on. She was on her knees with her hands clasped on her eyes. Her head was twitching. The victorious sounds continued. She couldn't deduce why none was able to see her predicament. But what was really happening to her? Would she be getting glasses? She remembered how Eliza had described the time she got glasses.

"What is happening to my eyes?"she yelped, "Someone answer me!"

Uh oh...I have a bad feeling this is some kind of incredibly painful crowning ceremony of sorts for her to end up as the queen...and I am worried for our main character here, oh dear...I do hope she's going to survive this encounter without some kind of terrible injury to here eyes.

To her horror and bewilderment, the celebration seemed to spread its wings in all possible directions. The pain was subsiding and at last it did. "What has happened to my eyes?" She yelled standing up but her strident voice had no effect on them, the party seemed to continue.

"Now you are the queen!" A child of her own age said but something was odd, their appearances. They had changed, Cehyn could identify each one distinctly. This girl was as tall as her, her blonde hair fell on her forehead and her shoulders. "That was just a confirmation of that," The child continued, "Your eye colour has changed." She cracked a smile which perfectly suited her diamond-shaped face.

Phew...looks like her eyesight, if anything it looks like that pain was the result of some kind of magic I assume, its looks like whatever magic was making it so that everyone around her looked the same as her no longer affects here and now she can see each individual person, definitely a helpful ability to have as a queen...

Cehyn was having another uneasy feeling. Something was happening to her body... She grew taller and taller until she reached the height of the murdered king. "Will anything more happen to my body?" She asked scoffing at the ceiling that her head touched now. It was rough and shiny with what appeared to be crystals of fire. "How is this happening? Are you people really Gorpies?"

"No, nothing more." The same child answered. Cehyn's second question was ignored.

Oh dear, well looks like becoming the king of the area certainly comes with a few side effects, hopefully none of these are going to be harmful here, although them being potentially permanent could be bad for this girl here. Definitely leaves you with a lot to think about this one. Also...I feel like maybe not stating that the second question was ignored could be more powerful, like as the reader, if you notice that by yourself, you'd get a bit more suspicious than when its pointed out like this.

"Come now," An old man said, his hair was pure white and his voice croaked, "Let us show you our kingdom."

The Gorpies directed her towards a wall towards the north. They vanished into the wall and before she could protest, Cehyn was dragged through the wall. She was all agog. What she had seen earlier was a lame imitation of what she was seeing at the moment. The fires created so many textures on the walls. The texture of a huge dragon seemed to the biggest until she noticed the one in front of her. Three eyes were painted with fire on an iron plate. Two of them were arranged in the same manner of humans and the third one was vertically arranged between the two. She had a feeling that the green and the red colours of the first two eyes were representation of the two kingdoms. There was a raised sheet below this painting.

Okay...wow, well this is really getting underway fast, I don't know why the requirements to be the ruler of this kingdom is quite that low, but well, Cehyn is taking all of this surprisingly well, she hasn't tried running away screaming yet, so she's definitely perhaps actually considering going through with this new position of hers...I'm definitely curious here.

"It's your seat, the seat of the queen and you are the youngest queen here." A man said. He was barly visible with his extraordinary thin figure.

"What is the function of a queen?" Cehyn asked. Her fear had eased up a bit. Perhaps, these men were not actually kidnappers and something wrong had actually happened with her.

"To protect the Trog from the attacks brought by those stupid humans and also to kill them if required." a woman answered.

Oh no....that's not good...I have a feeling I know where this is going, she's going to be asked to kill Emily isn't she? I hope I'm remembering that name correctly, I mean her friend from the first chapter Also in general, I have a feeling this is the kind of catch that Cehyn is going to be unable to work through here.

"What? Humans? What do you mean?" she shot up.

"Yes, killing humans when required is the most sacred task of the Gorpies and–" She looked at the plate above Cehyn's seat. Cehyn too turned to see what was happening. The plate glowed and the eyes blinked. None of the Gorpies was too interested in it. Before she could ask, one man sighed, "Another human being. Our fate... why do these stupid human beings have to come here?"

"What HUMAN BEING?" Cehyn shouted.

Oh yeah, this is definitely going in that direction...a human just randomly appearing at this exact moment can't be anyone besides Emily/ friend girl who's name I'm not actually sure of...this is definitely going towards a bit of a climax here with this current tone.

The answer was given by a giant screen opposite to the throne. Cehyn saw it for the first time as the Gorpies moved and vacated the area. It shot fire specks towards the plate. Cehyn was having to turn back and forth to see the whole matter. The eyes shot a dazzling light towards the plate and –

"Eliza!"

Ohhhh...her name is Eliza...whoops, sorry Eliza, I thought you were Emily, but also...awesome ending point there...that's a massive cliffhanger I feel this is revenge for all the cliffhanger I put in Survival I can't wait to see what happens after this.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this has to be my favorite chapter soo far, lots of things happening and that ending was really nicely done, I'm still unable to see where this story might be going in terms of an ending, but I'm liking the small steps this plot is taking so far.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hi Forever,

Mailice here with a short review!

That was a very great chapter. You could clearly read that you put a lot of effort into it and I think it showed extremely well. I am glad that you make such efforts.

Just about the current story; I like it. The chapter had a very good build-up of tension and the development to the cliffhanger was also well written. It was still a bit quick how everything developed from point A to B, but ultimately I thought it was a very well written piece. I also think you did a great job of starting to describe some things.

Also, I'm surprised but also pleased that you're writing the story in Past Tense and not keeping it in first person narrator form anymore. It read much better that way and it was easier to imagine everything. It also gave a neutral view of the Gorpies and what they do.

There is one thing you have to watch out for sometimes. For example, in some explanations, like here at the end, where you suddenly talk about the giant screen; you could have also described it when Cehyn went up to the throne and saw these three eyes. So the illusion disappears a little bit when you describe something that immediately goes into "action" afterwards.

Other points that caught my eye:

Note: I don't know if this a right decision or a wrong decision but I have decided to change the person to third person narrative and also the tense to past tense. As for why I changed it, I am finding it a bit too inconvenient to write in the former. I seriously don't know why...

A very good decision. I like that you have started a reflection.

She remembered how Eliza had described the time she got glasses

Here you could have briefly inserted what this memory looked like.

eyes?"She yelped,

“She” has to be written in lower case.

the celebration seemed to spread its wings in all possible directions.

I really like this description! Wonderful!

This girl has as tall as her,

The “w” has transformed into an “h”.

uneasy feeling.Something was happening

A space is missing here.

Cehyn's second question was ignored.

Actually, it is the first question that was ignored.

towards a wall towards the north.

I would rewrite it, since you´re using two times “towards.”

into the wall and before she could protest, Cehyn was dragged through the wall.

Like before, I would rewrite it a bit to make the flow better.

so many textures on the walls. The texture of a huge dragon

Here you could expand the explanation a bit more.

painted with fire on an iron plate.

Here, I don´t understand the description of “painted with fire”.

and the third one was vertically arranged between the two

Is it arranged like a bindi?

you are the youngest queen here."

That sounds like there are more queens around here. I believe you wanted to write: You are the youngest queen we have ever had.

He was barly

The “e” is missing here.

Have fun writing!

Mailice

Hey Forever!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

I know it might be a little strange for the readers to adjust to the sudden change in tense and person, but I personally stand by this decision. This part felt a lot more well developed than the previous one. The voice is more stronger, and while earlier the chapters were highlighted with short abrupt sentences, this one had more structure and expression to it. Cehyn's own thoughts seemed to be more in order and it was easy to follow the text this time. Overall, I really think this works better.

Now let's move on to the story itself. I think that this chapter has really moved the plot along or at least has managed to give us a surprise ending. We still do not know who the gropies are and I am wondering when you are going to address that, but at least this one gives us and idea of their purpose and what they want. I still believe that Cehyn isn't shocked enough for it to be believable and seems to go along with their directions. I think she has always had this inkling that something was different about her, especially her eyes. I remember her mentioning that during the basketball game. Maybe this is why she hasn't gone into shock like any normal person who was brought below the ground to a palace of fire. But you portrayed her confusion at the beginning and her reluctant acceptance of the Gropies very well and I think the third perspective helped to ground her character more.

And that ending of course. I wonder what is going to happen to Eliza. Are they going to expect Cehyn to kill her? That is the function of the queen after all. I hope not though. Still, you have managed to pack quite an ending that makes the reader want to come back for more.

Now onto some details:

She couldn't deduce why none was able to see her predicament.

The 'none' will be 'no one'.

But what was really happening to her? Would she be getting glasses?

The 'would she be getting glasses?' does not really fit here. Especially because prior to this the readers have no idea that her eyes are going to change. It seems a little strange and abrupt to put the question here when it does not match the context.

This girl has as tall as her,

The 'has' will be 'was'.

That's all.

Keep writing and have a great evening!