Young Writers Society

Hi <3

I’m so sorry that it took me so long before I could critique your work and I saw that you’ve got quite comprehensive reviews already so (hopefully) this would still help you. I genuinely did not expect the genre shift (yes, I'm silly for overlooking the “fantasy” indicated below the title sorry oop). Yea, I still found this high school life to Alice in wonderland trajectory interesting.

Randomtalks already mentioned how there’s more telling rather than showing as well as HarryHardy pointing out that it’s too fast paced. I just want to say that I agree with them but I’m going to bypass that now since you’re quite aware of it already.

I’m going to focus more on the characterisation so this is fairly short. I’m not sure if this was what you’re going for but I found your main character extremely unlikable. Yea, this may just be the first ever chapter so I’ve only known her personality on its surface level and there’s probly more depth to her character in the subsequent chapters. I simply wanted to point that out in case eliciting that kind of impression to your readers was unintentional.

She sounds extremely bratty -- pompous and snarky, personally. I mean she’s 9 I’d give her that. However, what makes me feel uncomfortable is that this aspect of her personality is justified by the plot (if that makes sense). I’d like to warn you that you’re creating a Mary Sue -- a character who’s too irreproachable, ideal, or op for the book’s setting. You’ve watered down the other players to make her seem “superior.” I mean, most of her teammates wouldn’t have made it to the Varsity team if they had 0% skill. The plot moved to make her look like a star, as if you’re obtrusively shoving to us readers that she’s the main character and the rest are expendable (plot devices).

I definitely cathced that there’s something more to her, she might be a mutant or something so this strange inconceivable strength/height/red eyes she has might be explained later. I just don’t think it’s appropriate to write the people around her as flat-out talentless. It just put me off when not even one of her teammates were able to shoot through the hoop. I’m certain that these kids trained hard before the competition so this is quite unrealistic. It would be more reasonable if the other team barely had a chance because even if they practised just as much as Cehyn’s team, it’d be horrendous to play against someone with extraordinary talent.

"See, you people are not going to miss a single basket. You understand?"

^^ this line made her so demanding. I mean, she has members who are older than her and even if they aren’t, this is too disrespectful to be said out loud. No wonder no one’s listening to her. Respect begets respect. And Yes, she’s 9 and young so that’s why I’m wondering as well how the coach decided she should be the Team Captain if she doesn’t know how to act like a proper leader.

This weird dialogue aside, I find it odd that not a single one of them were listening to her. Sure, she was arrogant but that wouldn’t be an adequate reason for these players to put little effort in (or sabotage) the game. Like I mentioned two paragraphs before, they joined the team, got screened, trained, then ultimately were assessed to be the best players in their school (for that age range) for this competition. Let’s not forget the bragging rights (or the humiliation for losing) so they would most likely want to win.

Now, assuming her repulsive personality was intentional in order to show how flawed she is, I advise you to tread lightly on her character development. First and foremost, you must identify all her flaws. For example, she’s unconsciously partial (or should I say hypocritical, is that too rude?). She treats her friend and aunty like an equal (against social classes + recognising and appreciating their efforts), whilst conversely, degrading her teammates. Next, we now know which part of herself needs to change ->>>she should learn that it doesn’t matter if she’s significantly better than them. She still has to treat everyone with respect.

However, here’s the delicate part of writing about her development: she can’t change immediately. It’s normally done in subtle ways -- becoming aware that she acts like this ---> realising how wrong it is, then making an attempt to change → regress slightly back to her personality because you know, it’s a habit. she can’t turn 180 overnight --> puts a more conscious effort to improve >>>whilst all of this isn’t shoved to the face.

^^ This isn’t some sort of rigid formula you have to thoroughly follow by the way. Just a suggestion. You can write it however you like as long as it’s natural and makes her actions and attitude human.

Adding to this, you have to integrate it into the fantasy plot (unless her teammates will be spotlighted at some parts of the book) so you could add characters that resemble these players and show a gradual change on how she perceives and treats them. It’s difficult to write characters that’s similar to them provided that they barely have any dialogue so what I mean is just make those characters feel like a burden at first (needless to say, those characters also have to improve).

^^ Make what you will with this. I have no clue what you have in store for this book (you might make Cehyn a villainess in the end so who knows right).

Curious question, why would the mother let her child get the polythene outside when it’s raining? Not to mention it’s a forest which is teeming with hazards. She lets the Cehyn’s friend get this polythene that she could’ve done herself, and afterwards, instead of looking for her child she relied on another child to do that? It overlaps with the idea that she’s a good and responsible parent. I suppose, it’s like a forced action to drive the plot going. Ultimately, the characters (mother, players) feel relatively contrived. They don’t act quite naturally and are somehow compelled to act a certain way just so the story would progress.

I’m genuinely sorry if this was harsh. This is just what I felt about the story. I hope my critique doesn’t discourage you from writing. It’s promising! It just needs a little shaping editing. OH AND. I frankly worry if I’m waffling at times or if I -- at some point in the review -- stop making any sense so feel free to ask for clarifications!

SENDING LOVE, Kattee

Hi Forever,

Mailice here with a short review!

That's an interesting start to the story. I definitely like the way it develops towards the end.

While reading it, I had the impression that you weren't that satisfied with the story yet or how you should start. The beginning is always the hardest, because you have to try to get the boat into the water. After that, it actually goes by itself - you just have to be careful not to get the story too bogged down or to move on too quickly. Here it was as if a log had just fallen into a river, and is currently flowing somewhere, but sometimes still bangs against rocks looking out.

I haven't read the other chapters yet, but think you need to try and put some kind of structure in at least the first chapter to give you an overview. Your beginning is great and gives a brief overview of where the story is taking place, but as the game goes on you get ahead of yourself there. Eliza comes to Cehyn and wishes her a happy birthday. You then describe that you don't like that and then jump ahead and talk about the class divide and then go back to the birthday. I would try to put that kind of information there indirectly, for example. Ceyhn could answer Eliza that she doesn't like it, then the story continues. To give the necessary information to introduce Eliza better, you could insert it later, for example later when Ceyhn is alone or on her way somewhere on foot. This would be a good opportunity to give this information, as the actual plot continues but nothing interesting happens. The way you write it at the moment, you actually give away the answers right away with the questions and that weakens the reading effect. For example, you could set it up like this:

- Game
- Ceyhn makes the point.
- Congratulations and Eliza joins her.
- We learn that it's Ceyhn's birthday.
- No time to do much as the award ceremony is on.
- Cake & Aunty
- Worrying - Banyan Tree
- While she calls for Eliza, you could now give the info about the birthday, Eliza, class view, etc....
- Cliffhanger

Cehyn has a very stern narrative voice. You notice it clearly in the first section at the game, where you can tell that she has very little faith in the others, because she probably has doubts herself, no matter how hard she tries. She is also perhaps a little too convinced of her abilities, but you only noticed that a little at the beginning. But you also notice that she is very attached to her friend and worries quickly. You reveal a lot about Cehyn in the first half and I think that's good. The character structure is appropriate and you can already imagine a lot about her.

I like how the story develops into a cliffhanger and how it ends. I think overall you've made a good start. I would rework the structure a bit, but otherwise I think it's a great start.

About your author's note: You don't really have to worry about the title, because there's no connection yet, since the story is a novel; that is, the title doesn't necessarily have to be in the first chapter. In which Harry Potter book is the title mentioned in the first chapter?

Other points I noticed:

The match has already started and only 7 minutes is left.

I think you need to write "are" instead of "is" here, since it's more than a minute.

I go forward dribbling the ball. I am out of reach of the opponents. I throw the ball towards the post and basket! That feels good.

You build up a good tension here, but it goes down a bit with the last sentence here. Either you could underline this good feeling better with an exclamation mark or write "that" in all caps so that the reader really notices that Ceyhn has shot a basket here.

My tall height is a good advantage.

I'd leave out the "tall" here, because you're actually already doing a good job of using height to show that Ceyhn is probably a bit taller than most 9-year-olds.

She hug me. Her blonde hair falls over my shoulder. She looks beautiful when she is happy and now she is for my victory.

You keep writing in short sentences here, which doesn't do much except make the reader falter a little. I would try to write it out so that you notice that the tension is gone, for example: "She hugs me. During that brief moment, her blonde hair falls gently on my shoulder. She always looks beautiful when she's happy, and well, now she is because of my victory."

Revid hills."

I'm assuming this is a proper noun, and that's why it has to be spelled "Hills."

" AAAAAAAaaaa"

I would capitalise all A's and add an exclamation mark.

Have fun writing!

Mailice

Hey Forever!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

This was a really interesting first chapter. I have to say it though, I did not see that coming. I was halfway down the chapter when I first realized that the main character is a girl. Her name at the beginning was kind of obvious but among basketball and state championships I totally got carried away. But her very character exudes mystery. How is she just 9 and still taller than all the other older team mates and even their coach? She jumps down the stairs because she thinks walking down them would be a waste of time? Something about her just scrams extraordinary to me. Also, why does she have red eyes?

I also liked how the first paragraphs were more fast paced. You sync her thought processes to her actions very well, and we can almost imagine her having each thought while she runs around the court with the ball. You have also established her relationship with the best friend and her family very well through simple actions. It is apparent they are poor but Eliza and her mother still go all out of their way to celebrate Cehyn's birthday, and she appreciates their efforts all the same.

The ending was of course a great cliffhanger. Falling down holes is a little cliched in fantasy novels but it is what happens after that makes all the difference. So I am really excited to see where you take this.

I do have some suggestions though. Most of the chapter it felt like you were simply narrating thoughts and events. Maybe you should take a pause and explore the scene and the emotions a bit. For example, you can describe Eliza's room and show us their poverty through that. Or you can describe how Cehyn feels when they win the championship. The story begins in the middle of a match and yet when she actually wins it her only reaction was to wonder what would happen to her team without her. She should be ecstatic at the victory. It's the state championship! Just a little more exploration on this end would have made this story even better. Delve into the little details!

Now I noticed some typos and minor grammatical errors, so I am going to point them out for you. They don't really have much significance, but they disrupt the flow of the story.

However, there is always one to break the rule, be it these awful players here or I at school.

'me' at school, not 'I'.

I order them but they shrug like I am ggiving some boring lectures.

There is an extra 'g' in 'giving', typo I guess. Also, I think the 'lectures' does not really sound right here. 'Lecture' would work better.

The opponent are much behind us and only 3 minutes left.

You use 'are' over here, so the word 'opponent' should be in plural form as well.

Yeah it does, wait, not too soon.

Keeping in context with the text, the 'too' does not really work here. 'Soon' works better: "...wait, not so soon".

I wonder what would have happened with my team if I were not there.

What would have happened 'to' my team?

She is my best friend and yes, the only person on the Earth to understand me.

The phrase 'to understand me' does not fit in with the sentence. Rewriting it as 'the only person on Earth who understands me' works better.

She hugged me. Her blonde hair fell over my shoulder.

These two sentences are a contradiction to the entire chapter which is in present tense and the sudden switch disrupts the flow. You need to change the tense here.

Aunty is so good a human being.

This sentence is not grammatically correct. Maybe rewrite it as 'Aunty is such a good human being'?

She is just half as mine.

'She is just half as tall as me' ?

it has an aesthetic feeling in it.

"Aesthetic feeling 'to' it." 'In' does not work here.

He was a good man but now e is no more.

The 'h' in 'he' is missing, typo.

It's kept in a bucket there outsidebelow the banyan tree.

There needs to be a space between 'outside' and 'below'.

I realize that most of these are really nitpicks, but they have really helped me edit my works in the past, so I thought they would hep you too. But this is your story after all, so take what you deem necessary and ignore the rest!

You have set a really great story and I am interested to see where you go with this. I hope you continue!

Keep writing and have a great day!

Also, thanks for always reviewing my works!

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm baaackk...well sort of...I liked the last story you wrote...so I saw a new one and thought I might as well take a peek

First Impression: Hmm, so at first glance, well, not too bad, I actually kind of like it, we have some interesting characters, it looks like there's quite a nice bit of worldbuilding going on too, aand a very interesting ending.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I am Cehyn, the would be basketball champion of the state. I am confident about it. However, there is always one to break the rule, be it these awful players here or I at school. Our coach has elected me as the captain of the team but not a single person bothers to listen to me. How irritating! Today is our state championship and we have got to win. The match has already started and only 7 minutes is left.

Well that got progressively more intense with each line, it went from just an introduction, to there was thing that happened to me to the end where its just boom, we're in the middle of a situation, the pacing there is a bit weird, you might want to take a second look there, but as far as being attention grabby goes thought, this one certainly does its job.

"See, you people are not going to miss a single basket. You understand?" I order them but they shrug like I am ggiving some boring lectures. The main thing is I am the youngest of all five. That makes me seem like a doesn't-know-anything fellow. Till now, our team has scored 10 baskets, all for me and lost 5 baskets, all for the 4 other players. They are really awful, at least enough to ruin all joy and victory. Our opponent is also awful just like the other players of our team. A must mention, they too are elders. I am merely 9 years old and they are at least 12.

Well...that is first of all, really young, this person has to be really good to be playing so far out of their age group, but hmm, well a very realistic problem there that the other teammates would not respect this person's decision because this person is young soo, well, let's see how this problem is dealt with I suppose.

I go forward dribbling the ball. I am out of reach of the opponents. I throw the ball towards the post and basket! That feels good. The opponent are much behind us and only 3 minutes left. Doesn't that kind of confirm our victory? Yeah it does, wait, not too soon. The opponents are running towards the post, my teammates trying to block them and basket... As I mentioned, my teammates are really...bad. I don't like them but still I have to play with them simply because there have to be 5 members. My tall height is a good advantage. Though I am only 9, I am much taller than them and surprisingly, even my coach. Wait, 1 minute left. Though I tried to get hold of the ball, one of my extraordinary teammates is running with the ball and as of the rule, the opponents get the possession of the ball and again basket! However, time over and we win! I wonder what would have happened with my team if I were not there.

Okay....well, that's..an interesting one, one hand, I want to say that this paragraph kind of goes off on a random tangent for a bit but the way you phrase it just as the thought process of this person kind of means that it makes sense for it to go off on a tangent, so I'd say, this one is somehow okay and as a bonus we learn a bit more about our protagonist here.

I notice Eliza running towards me. She is my best friend and yes, the only person on the Earth to understand me. We are completely different, yet we are best friends. She hugged me. Her blonde hair fell over my shoulder. She looks beautiful when she is happy and now she is for my victory. "Happy Birthday!"she says.

Well, that's a fairly neat introduction there to that character...

I am not a big fan of my birthday because it relates me to my parents and I don't like them. They hate Eliza simply because she doesn't belong to our class . I find this very annoying. I don't believe in these class thingies. They just seperate us, nothing else. Anyways, I don't celebrate my birthday at my own house but at Eliza's house. Aunty is so good a human being. She loves me and I love her in turn.

Well that's introducing some hidden problems there...hmm, always nice to have these little extra pieces right at the start to establish everyone's personality, and this has been great so far.

"The NBWB team is requested to come to the stage to receive the prize as they have won the Basketball State Championship." A person announces.

"Go!" Eliza pats me on my shoulder. I look at her blue eyes and set for the stage. I was sure that we would win and see, I was right. Before me, my teammates reached the stage. I shrug. They didn't even score a single point. We receive the prize that read BASKETBALL STATE CHAMPIONSHIP 2030.

OOOOhh...first of all, well this is good to see, this person getting their dream here but also, that year is a very nice detail to include there, really neat way of making sure the date comes up too...so that we know its set somewhere a little bit in the future.

"Our sponsor is glad to hand them over a prize of 2 days trip to the Revid hills." The man stares at my red eyes before handing it over to me. That isn't uncommon to me. I am quite accustomed with people gazing at my eyes.

Oooh, well those eyes are certainly a very interesting detail.

It's nearly noon but the sky is still very dark. The clouds are darker than ever, not unusual though. Not a single birthday of mine has been spent without rain. Someone comes and closes my eyes. It's surely Eliza's mom. I call her aunty.

"Aunty, I know it's you." I say.

"Oh dear, here is your dress. How is it? " She says. I see a flamboyant yet elegant red-coloured gown lying in front of me. It was awesome. The stiches on it are flower-shaped, just like the roses in their garden.

OKay, I like how things relax a bit immediately after we're told of the eyes and a little bit of mystery seeps in. Now we get to see the relationships that Eliza shares here with her best friend and her aunt, and its all a pretty neat little scene that we've transitioned to here.

The room is decorated so well. The only bed in the whole house is in this room. In front of it is Eliza's study table, where my cake is kept for now.

"Come in!" I call them after changing into the gown. It fits so perfectly. I cut the cake and... It is punctuated by a drop of water falling on my cake. There are cracks in the ceiling of the room. Within no time, it starts to rain heavily. Though not unusual, it's a bit too much this year.

Hmm, I love how everything is very celebratory and happy on the surface, but you can see that just below the surface something is lurking there, and as a reader you just get that unshakable feeling that something is about to go wrong here.

I know where the banyan tree is. It's not more than 10 minutes from the house by foot. However, it's been 15 minutes since she left. I feel worried. "Aunty, will I go and see where she is?" I urge.

"I shouldn't have told you to but I too–"

"Okay Aunty, I am going." Aunty can't see very properly when it's dark. I set out and go towards the forest.

Uh oh...a trek into the forest in the middle of heavy rain, oh yeah, something very bad is about to happen and very soon...no chance at all that this is going to end in anything good.

My long brown legs help to reach the banyan tree. It marks the beginning of the forest of known and unknown trees. The things are there, all the things except the polythene and Eliza. I call out her name as loudly as I can "Eliza! Eliza!" No answer. I decide to go to the denser part to search for her. The number of trees are gradually increasing and the rain is also hitting hard. The ground is very muddy. I am really having to fumble to go forward. I guess I can see her. Again, I call out her name but my voice sounds weak to the rain's sound. I go forward but suddenly I get disbalanced and

"AAAAAAAAAaaaaaa"

I feel myself falling down a hole. I scream but no one answers.

OOooooh, well that's a lovely little cliffhanger there to end on...you do love to see that at the end of a first chapter....awesome place to end on there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Yeah, this one certainly caught my attention, and I'm interested enough by now that I will definitely look at the next chapter whenever that one comes out...pretty interesting start you have here, it has a few things to iron out but the premise seems pretty good.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry