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Cehyn in the Earth 6.1

by ForeverYoung299


The villagers were shocked. It was like they were seeing a ghost strolling in front of them. The news of the disappearance had made its way through the streets of the village to every villagers' ears. Undoubtedly, as they believed it, Cehyn had been captured by the unknown spirits wandering in the forest. It was one of the many disappearances that had been happening since 2028. The villagers themselves ventured into the forest but found nothing intriguing except some holes and an eerie atmosphere. The holes were subsequently filled in but they re-surfaced, probably due to the spirits.

Despite the thousand complaints being registered by the villagers, the police and the government turned a deaf ear to them. The village was just a disgrace to the state of traders and businessmen.

The police, however, were forced to pay attention when yesterday a so-called gentleman filed a diary about his missing daughter. The very clever police officers decided to interrogate and blame Tyasa, Eliza's mother as she was the one to send Cehyn, the gentleman's daughter into the forest. The villagers half-heartedly wanted Cehyn to be back. On one hand, they wanted Tyasa to be safe and on the other hand, they didn't want such a top-lofty girl to come back.

It was not until yesterday that the news of the forest went outside the boundaries of the village. It was not until yesterday that the forest was searched and the exact number of holes became known to the urban people. The officers while searching were so careful that they had to rescue one of them from falling inside a hole before the search could continue.

***

Eliza cracked a smile for the villagers to see but they were busy staring at Cehyn.

"Where were you?" A villager asked sternly looking at Cehyn who had no traces of a possible misfortune except her hair was messy and her whole body covered with mud. This was an everyday incident to the villagers who had to go to the forest to collect wood. The villagers were worried that she had been occupied by the spirit.

"I fell into a hole." she replied, trying her best to keep her voice steady, "but now, Eliza needs care. Her condition is not very good."

"What has happened to her?"

"She too fell into a hole."

"And how did you–"

"Stop it and tell me." She squeaked.

The villagers eyed each other to indicate that their theory might be wrong. Why would a spirit suddenly want to help someone?

The sky was as confused as the villagers. It couldn't decide whether to support its hot friend or its cool friend. Ultimately, it decided to support both resulting in rain and scorching heat at the same time. The villagers moved forward to help Cehyn to take Eliza along the brick roads of the village which were constructed before the elections to please ten thousand people of the village.

The house, surrounded by a garden, stood nearby. The smell of the conspicuous roses didn't reach Cehyn's nose, they seemed too dull when the gardener which was Eliza was absent. They entered the white house through the path between the garden. The garden looked as good as a gentleman's garden if not better.

Cehyn searched for Tyasa but in vain.

"Where's Aunty?" She questioned.

"At the police station." Eliza replied lying on bed. The villagers had helped her with that. "I am fine," she continued, "Please go to the police station and rescue her."

"WHAT- why- how?"

"Fate of the villagers, you know," she said, grabbing Cehyn's hands who was sitting beside her, "I am okay. Please go and rescue her."

"Okay." Cehyn replied without much understanding. 


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Sat Sep 25, 2021 5:23 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Forever,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

It was a very exciting start to a new chapter. I like the way you sort of review everything and then move on to Cehyn. The first half seemed very strong and I'm also very happy to read such a short explanation. You created a great structure and it didn't seem rushed or complicated in any way. Definitely a good plus point.

What I also liked was how you set it up and kept it in a neutral voice to make it seem like the omniscient narrator. Definitely a building block that you can add in future chapters or, for example, in moments where a timeskip can be made.

The second half was also good. I liked that you stayed consistent with Cehyn and how you portrayed her character. Furthermore, she puts the priority of Eliza's health at the highest level and answers all questions only succinctly and without many comments. I think you create a good building of friendship. You also keep the reader on their toes as to what will happen next, because at least I was convinced that we will finally see Eliza getting better.

Other points I noticed while reading:

It was one of the many disappearances that had been happening since 2028.

I don't know if you've included a year in any of the previous chapters, but I like how you set up a short mystery here.

The villagers themselves ventured into the forest but found nothing intriguing except some holes and an eerie atmosphere.

I like your description here. You've kind of created a great contrast between "some holes" and "eerie atmosphere" because it's an external and internal thing that you're describing here. Very great.

The very clever police officers decided to interrogate

The "very clever" can also be very ironic or sarcastic, as you have inserted it. Since it seems to me that you are serious about cleverness, I would rewrite it a bit, like "the most competent police officers".

Have fun writing!

Mailice






Hey! Thanks for the review!!
I don't know if you've included a year in any of the previous chapters, but I like how you set up a short mystery here.

The story is set in 2030. I mentioned it in the 1st chapter. The line was "We receive the prize that read BASKETBALL STATE CHAMPIONSHIP 2030."
The "very clever" can also be very ironic or sarcastic, as you have inserted it.

Yeah, that was ironic.

Again, thanks for the review :D



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Sat Sep 25, 2021 12:40 pm
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey Forever!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

I liked the way opened this chapter, narrating the events of the village and how they have perceived their disappearance as an entirety. It brings in more opinion and expands our view of the story, by letting us in on how outsiders view everything. The neutral tone suited very well and I also liked the bit of mythology you have incorporated into the story at this point. It was a bit random, but it worked well with the setting you have provided for the village. They seem to be the sort of people who believe in superstitions and are generally suspicious about these things. The fact that they were busy interrogating Cehyn instead of looking after Eliza shows their preference over priorities.

I did feel that they were a little more suspicious about Cehyn than they were of Eliza and it was a little confusing for me to understand especially, because both of them had fallen into the holes, and the villagers had no reason to blame one over the other. I have a feeling that something more is going on here, but I cannot really be sure at this point.

The sky was as confused as the villagers. It couldn't decide whether to support its hot friend or its cool friend. Ultimately, it decided to support both resulting in rain and scorching heat at the same time.

Usually I am all in for descriptions, even random ones like this one. It might be a personal opinion, but I felt that this one was a little out of place. Also, 'hot friend' and 'cold friend' do not have that charm to them, and I feel that it would be better if you rephrase that and use some other term to describe the contrast in the weather. You need to place your descriptions in a way that they merge with the story instead of just being there without a reason to pull the plot along.

I am a little confused about why the police held Eliza's mother responsible. Her own daughter went missing first, followed by Cehyn. And why didn't she file a missing report herself? This is also the first chapter where we hear any mention of Cehyn's parents and now I cannot help but be curios about them too. Do they have Gorpy in their blood too? Or is it not genetic and Cehyn is the exception?

Overall, this was an interesting chapter, and it has pulled the plot along very nicely. I wonder if Cehyn is going to return to Gorpies...

Keep writing and have a great day!






Hey! Thanks for the review!!

Have gotta think on why they didn't suspect Eliza.
...there without a reason to pull the plot along.

Removed that description.
I am a little confused about why the police held Eliza's mother responsible. Her own daughter went missing first, followed by Cehyn. And why didn't she file a missing report herself?

The police are not at all concerned about the villagers. It's just futile for the villagers to file reports. And maybe, I can just write something like the police thought ut to be a plan to hide her daughter too to make up for Cehyn's disappearance. Thanks for pointing it out. Several plot holes.
Or is it not genetic and Cehyn is the exception?

I am myself trying to figure out the answer to this question. I do have a theory but well, I am not too sure about it. So, no spoilers :D

Again, thanks for the review.



RandomTalks says...


Glad I could be of help!

Also, about that theory, I feel to have come upon something almost accidentally! Can't wait to see how you incorporate that into the story!



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Sat Sep 25, 2021 10:45 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Soo...this is certainly interesting. There's a lot more going on in this village that what seemed like at the start..and I'm guessing maybe that is because this worldbuilding happened after the first couple of chapters were written...and well, it is some pretty interesting stuff.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The villagers were shocked. It was like they were seeing a ghost strolling in front of them. The news of the disappearance had made its way through the streets of the village to every villagers' ears. Undoubtedly, as they believed it, Cehyn had been captured by the unknown spirits wandering in the forest. It was one of the many disappearances that had been happening since 2028. The villagers themselves ventured into the forest but found nothing intriguing except some holes and an eerie atmosphere. The holes were subsequently filled in but they re-surfaced, probably due to the spirits.


OKay...now it looks like a ton of time has passed since Cehyn was dragged down to the center of the Earth. At least that's what this looks to be trying to tell us here, I can't quite tell at the moment. The whole captured by spirits and news of disappearances spreading all over suggests that much anyway...and Cehyn appearing is a very unusual thing. The story of the holes that are filled in but keep resurfacing is a lovely little touch here too. You've built a nice little mythology around this village there with this.

Despite the thousand complaints being registered by the villagers, the police and the government turned a deaf ear to them. The village was just a disgrace to the state of traders and businessmen.

The police, however, were forced to pay attention when yesterday a so-called gentleman filed a diary about his missing daughter. The very clever police officers decided to interrogate and blame Tyasa, Eliza's mother as she was the one to send Cehyn, the gentleman's daughter into the forest. The villagers half-heartedly wanted Cehyn to be back. On one hand, they wanted Tyasa to be safe and on the other hand, they didn't want such a top-lofty girl to come back.


Okay...soo...I think I misread the earlier part a bit...Cehyn hadn't vanished for all that long, this seems to suggest its at most three days [cause the missing person's report is usually only effective at 48 hours and it mentions that happened yesterday].

The response by the village is very interesting to see here...it looks like the police are definitely terrible at their jobs here if they just blame a person that they have no evidence against and consider the case closed....and the village in general doesn't seem to like Cehyn all that much at all.

It was not until yesterday that the news of the forest went outside the boundaries of the village. It was not until yesterday that the forest was searched and the exact number of holes became known to the urban people. The officers while searching were so careful that they had to rescue one of them from falling inside a hole before the search could continue.


Hmm...so it looks like only once Cehyn's father who sounds like someone that's a bit well off made a report that they bothered to go searching in this forest where people and vanish and study the area in detail..although tagging this onto the end of this scene here makes it a bit random, there isn't a smooth flow from the previous paragraph to this one.

Eliza cracked a smile for the villagers to see but they were busy staring at Cehyn.

"Where were you?" A villager asked sternly looking at Cehyn who had no traces of a possible misfortune except her hair was messy and her whole body covered with mud. This was an everyday incident to the villagers who had to go to the forest to collect wood. The villagers were worried that she had been occupied by the spirit.

"I fell into a hole." she replied, trying her best to keep her voice steady, "but now, Eliza needs care. Her condition is not very good."


Hmm...okay so she's clearly not being gone long enough for the villagers to think anything unusual happened to her, it looks like the village just assumed that she was lost in the woods for a bit...buut then then also thinking of her as a ghost is something else entirely so uhh...well this is a bit odd here...I think I had to read a bit further to make a proper judgment on that one.

"What has happened to her?"

"She too fell into a hole."

"And how did you–"

"Stop it and tell me." She squeaked.

The villagers eyed each other to indicate that their theory might be wrong. Why would a spirit suddenly want to help someone?


Okay...so here they finally notice Eliza and ask about here...and for some reason they seem to think Cehyn is a spirit now...and her helping Eliza out is a bit strange. I definitely have lots of questions about what might be going on at this point..but well..let's see where this is trying to go here.

The sky was as confused as the villagers. It couldn't decide whether to support its hot friend or its cool friend. Ultimately, it decided to support both resulting in rain and scorching heat at the same time. The villagers moved forward to help Cehyn to take Eliza along the brick roads of the village which were constructed before the elections to please ten thousand people of the village.

The house, surrounded by a garden, stood nearby. The smell of the conspicuous roses didn't reach Cehyn's nose, they seemed too dull when the gardener which was Eliza was absent. They entered the white house through the path between the garden. The garden looked as good as a gentleman's garden if not better.


Okay...so looks like they're going to help Eliza and Cehyn after all...and the whole sky description was a little random and slightly out of nowhere, but I love the little touch of humor that you tried to inject there.

Cehyn searched for Tyasa but in vain.

"Where's Aunty?" She questioned.

"At the police station." Eliza replied lying on bed. The villagers had helped her with that. "I am fine," she continued, "Please go to the police station and rescue her."

"WHAT- why- how?"

"Fate of the villagers, you know," she said, grabbing Cehyn's hands who was sitting beside her, "I am okay. Please go and rescue her."

"Okay." Cehyn replied without much understanding.


Soo...this exchange here isn't the easiest to decipher there, but it sounds like what's going on is this person's mother or aunt has been arrested for the disappearance of Cehyn...maybe, that sounds a bit like what's going on from what I can decipher here although it isn't fully clear.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: There are a few issues going on here...mostly with the flow in some places...and there were a couple of parts that I had a bit of trouble deciphering, so if I've come to some kind of wrong conclusion lemme know. All in all, this adds a new dimension of mystery to the story and I love that, but some of these things do need a second look here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry






Hey thanks for the review!!
Have gotta work on the flow of the events. Hope at the end of the chapter, a few things get cleared up.



HarryHardy says...


You're Welcome!!

Hmm, looking forward to it!! :D




I think I have thankfully avoided being quoted.
— Lavvie