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Cehyn in the Earth(5.2)

by ForeverYoung299


Cehyn was there. She laid on the volcanic ground, the metal box tightly clutched in her hand. At a distance there were numerous people glaring at the volcano; some white with fear, some with their mobiles for recording and some reporters shouting at the top of their voice to report the incident. The sky was just like Cehyn’s kitchen when their chimney was not working. It was full of smoke, Cehyn had to rub her eyes frequently to see the surroundings. Moreover, she was in the mid of hot golden lava enough to boil a human being. It seemed like a huge burst of firecrackers and she was just a small portion of the stick lying unaffected.

Cehyn was back to her senses when she felt a sudden convulsion in her body. She was decreasing in size. It was even more painful than increasing. But, she had no time for herself, she had to rescue Eliza. She looked at the metallic box and tried to figure out its working, but in vain. Then it answered on its own. It was just a minor version of the giant screen in the Trog. It made itself into an arrow and with little understanding Cehyn started chasing it.

The people were too attracted to the volcanic eruption to see a child coming out from it. She stumbled into a number of people before she reached the place. It was the forest, the same forest which had once signified the end of her human life. The arrow stopped directing towards a hole. It must have rained the previous night for the jungle was no less than a swamp. Cehyn didn’t really know the date but she assumed it to be 17th July, the day after her disappearance from the ‘Human Earth’. The condition was worse than the previous day. More than a dozen trees were overturned.

Cehyn peered into the hole, only to see nothing but unconscious Eliza. "Eliza, nothing will happen to you," she called, "I will not let anything happen to you."

She was nearly crying, tears had no barriers. She hastily took up a branch and began digging with all her effort. Miraculously, but not for her, it took no more than ten minutes for Eliza's whole face to be clearly seen. Cehyn pulled out Eliza from the hole.

Eliza's blonde hair was brown in mud. It thrust against Cehyn's hands. Cehyn could feel Eliza's face, it was as cold and senseless.

"Eliza, wake up! Wake up! Eliza," she screamed, "You can't di–"

No, she was not dead, her heart was still responding. Without getting any way, Cehyn sprinkled water from the forest-swamp on Eliza's face and waited for her to wake up. She had to wake up at any cost.

"Uh.. Ah…" Eliza responded, she was moving!

"Eliza, are you okay?" Cehyn asked.

Eliza was breathing very fast. "I am okay." She answered, "Who are you?" Her voice was dull, the everlasting smile was absent.

"Eliza! It's me, Cehyn. Can't you recognize me?" Cehyn was terrified.

"Cehyn!" Eliza was miraculously back to her full strength, though that was negligible to Cehyn's. "You, where were you?"

"I will tell you later…Come now, we will just go back."

Eliza shot up. Cehyn had to do the same to support her friend as Eliza was on the verge of falling down. "Where will we go?" Eliza asked.

"To your home, of course."

"Yea… Okay. Let's go."

Cehyn could sense something was wrong but decided not to lengthen the conversation any further in the jungle. They struggled through the muddy jungle but still Cehyn was happy– she was back to Earth and there was no going back. The Gorpies can't tolerate this temperature. Her life would be normal again with her best friend. They were standing in the front of the village where Eliza lived, near the Banyan tree. 

"Let's go an then we will go to your house." Eliza declared.


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Sat Sep 18, 2021 11:54 am
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



 Hi Forever,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

You get off to a good start with your first paragraph by revealing some details, and you've structured it well too. However, this structure is increasingly lost towards the end of this first paragraph, because you move on a bit faster than before.

It was the forest, the same forest which had once signified the end of her human life.

You make it sound like it's been half a lifetime since Cehyn has been down there, but really it should be hours at most days. Because later you describe it in more detail and then it seems a bit strange here, the way you described it.

Eliza's blonde hair was brown in mud. It thrust against Cehyn's hands. Cehyn could feel Eliza's face, it was as cold and senseless.

You could rewrite it a bit here so it doesn't seem so halting, like "Cehyn noticed Eliza's blonde hair, brown in mud, when it thrusted against her hands."

In general, it was a good chapter. You paced it well and increased the tension through some of the descriptions and always kept it at a good level. I liked how you described Ceyhn as very compassionate and concerned and how little she cared for herself the whole time she set out to save Eliza.

The rescue itself - which was the goal of the action - seemed a bit short in contrast and I think you could expand on that a bit more. But you could also see very well that something was going on and that Eliza couldn't really recognise who Ceyhn was. Did she forget her or did she hit her head somewhere. I liked that fact that Ceyhn realised that something was wrong.

I am now curious whether Ceyhn really goes back to the Gropies afterwards, as she promised, or whether she stays with Eliza now. I think you did a very good job of setting up by introducing Eliza and the Gropies and then creating a split where it becomes clear what Ceyhn really wants and how she wants to find out. I'm very fond of that set-up, also because it shows a bit of the moral side of the story.

Have fun writing!

Mailice






Thank you for the review :D



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Sat Sep 18, 2021 11:18 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm baack for another review!!

First Impression: This is a nice continuation of the previous part....it looks like Cehyn successfully rescues here friends...and you pay off all of the tension built in the previous part pretty well here for the most part.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Cehyn was there. She laid on the volcanic ground, the metal box tightly clutched in her hand. At a distance there were numerous people glaring at the volcano; some white with fear, some with their mobiles for recording and some reporters shouting at the top of their voice to report the incident. The sky was just like Cehyn’s kitchen when their chimney was not working. It was full of smoke, Cehyn had to rub her eyes frequently to see the surroundings. Moreover, she was in the mid of hot golden lava enough to boil a human being. It seemed like a huge burst of firecrackers and she was just a small portion of the stick lying unaffected.


OKay...so somehow she ended up getting spit right out of the volcano judging by what's happened there, it is a bit hard to tell exactly what's going on here...but I'm assuming its cause even Cehyn herself is a bit disoriented here and she's just taking in her surroundings quite slowly. Also well, if there was any more confirmation needed that she isn't fully human and is immune to fire, here we go.

Cehyn was back to her senses when she felt a sudden convulsion in her body. She was decreasing in size. It was even more painful than increasing. But, she had no time for herself, she had to rescue Eliza. She looked at the metallic box and tried to figure out its working, but in vain. Then it answered on its own. It was just a minor version of the giant screen in the Trog. It made itself into an arrow and with little understanding Cehyn started chasing it.


Hmm, I like how it takes her a second to fully come to her senses from whatever just happened but the moment she does come to her senses, her first thoughts are towards rescuing Eliza and how she can go about it...it continues nicely with the thought process she's had in the earlier parts. And this box here looks to be some kind of magic GPS device and I love that idea...although I am wondering how it works...because Eliza is someone that is basically a total stranger to the one who gave Cehyn the box.

The people were too attracted to the volcanic eruption to see a child coming out from it. She stumbled into a number of people before she reached the place. It was the forest, the same forest which had once signified the end of her human life. The arrow stopped directing towards a hole. It must have rained the previous night for the jungle was no less than a swamp. Cehyn didn’t really know the date but she assumed it to be 17th July, the day after her disappearance from the ‘Human Earth’. The condition was worse than the previous day. More than a dozen trees were overturned.


Hmm, I like how you do take the time to clarify how Cehyn wasn't seen coming out of volcano....that one less question for me to ask...but I am wondering exactly how far away this whole is...cause she just straight up walks to it without any problems in what appears to be not all that much time.

Cehyn peered into the hole, only to see nothing but unconscious Eliza. "Eliza, nothing will happen to you," she called, "I will not let anything happen to you."

She was nearly crying, tears had no barriers. She hastily took up a branch and began digging with all her effort. Miraculously, but not for her, it took no more than ten minutes for Eliza's whole face to be clearly seen. Cehyn pulled out Eliza from the hole.


Ahh, well this is a powerful scene now...we see Eliza finding her friend and from the looks of things, Eliza is not in the best of shapes..so let's hope that she's going to be alright...at any rate, we can certainly see the panic building slowly in Cehyn that Eliza might not be completely alright.

Eliza's blonde hair was brown in mud. It thrust against Cehyn's hands. Cehyn could feel Eliza's face, it was as cold and senseless.

"Eliza, wake up! Wake up! Eliza," she screamed, "You can't di–"

No, she was not dead, her heart was still responding. Without getting any way, Cehyn sprinkled water from the forest-swamp on Eliza's face and waited for her to wake up. She had to wake up at any cost.


Umm...that is probably not the water you want to sprinkle on anyone's face, but considering the current situation, I suppose there really isn't all that much that Cehyn can do besides use that water and do her best. Its not like she can call for an ambulance or carry Eliza to a hospital, which I think is what she probably needs, she feel down a decently deep hole, and stayed there for a pretty long time unconscious.

"Uh.. Ah…" Eliza responded, she was moving!

"Eliza, are you okay?" Cehyn asked.

Eliza was breathing very fast. "I am okay." She answered, "Who are you?" Her voice was dull, the everlasting smile was absent.

"Eliza! It's me, Cehyn. Can't you recognize me?" Cehyn was terrified.


OKay..that part seems realistic enough for someone who woke up from a situation like that, although her voice seems a bit more coherent that you'd expect. Considering the situation she was in, I was expecting Eliza to be a lot more disoriented than that.

Cehyn!" Eliza was miraculously back to her full strength, though that was negligible to Cehyn's. "You, where were you?"

"I will tell you later…Come now, we will just go back."

Eliza shot up. Cehyn had to do the same to support her friend as Eliza was on the verge of falling down. "Where will we go?" Eliza asked.


OKayy...that's a bit interesting there, you say that she miraculously came back to full strength but it also looks like she can't stand up, I'm not sure where that's one is going there.

"To your home, of course."

"Yea… Okay. Let's go."


Well Eliza seems to think it has only been a few minutes since she fell down, otherwise I don't see how she can be quite this calm considering the magnitude of what she was just rescued from.

Cehyn could sense something was wrong but decided not to lengthen the conversation any further in the jungle. They struggled through the muddy jungle but still Cehyn was happy– she was back to Earth and there was no going back. The Gorpies can't tolerate this temperature. Her life would be normal again with her best friend. They were standing in the front of the village where Eliza lived, near the Banyan tree.

"Let's go an then we will go to your house." Eliza declared.


Oooh, so on her return to Earth, Cehyn plans to break her promise to the Gorpies and to the one that helped her find Eliza in the first place. That's really intriguing cause I definitely wasn't expecting her to do something like that...I thought her promise at least to the one who helped her was sincere...and now I'm worried something bad is going to happen as a result here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, besides those few nitpicks about Eliza's recovery, I think you portray this scene quite well her and now this big decision that Cehyn takes by staying back on Earth, certainly makes me want to know more about what might end up happening to her as a result of it.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry






Thank you for the review! I don't know but does it feel like Eliza was there for quite some time? If so, I have gotta correct that. I didn't mean to show that. Eliza fell into the hole the time when the giant screen showed her. She was ecstatic to see Cehyn that she forgot about all her pain. There's a reason behind that ;)

Talking about Cehyn, guess her character is still not portrayed well. Have gotta work on that. Precisely, she is very strange unlike human beings and Gorpies.



HarryHardy says...


Hmm, yeah it seems like Eliza was in that hole for quite a while, not sure why, but yeah, maybe you could make it a bit clearer there :D

Also...hmm well that's interesting ;)

Hmm...oh I think that comes across okay :D



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Fri Sep 17, 2021 5:54 pm
Realm says...



Hi, Forever short review from Realm!

Wow after reading the first sentence I was drawn in this story I felt as if I had been transported into the story! It's really interesting! Is there more coming? I really want to know. This is a really good story! a compliment I don't give out freely. as a book lover, I think this would be a great book someday!

"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the lights!" - Albus Dumbledor

have a great Friday!
- Realm






Thank you! There's more to come. Also you can mark something as a review by switching that button below the review box. This wasn't marked as a review.



Realm says...


I know and I had but I must have accidentally clicked to turn it off sorry!



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Fri Sep 17, 2021 9:14 am
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey Forever!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

I was a little curios about how no one saw a girl come out of volcano of lying in the middle of molten lava. Sure, a volcanic explosion would cause enough commossion among people to distract them, but still, among all the people and reporters I think it felt a little unrealistic how Cehyn went unnoticed.

It is good to see that Eliza is alright. Again, I am a little curios as how she is still alive having been buried underground. Also, Cehyn mentions that it has been at least one day since her capture, that means at least one day since Eliza went looking for her in the forest. How was she buried for so long and still alive? I think these are some points you should clarify for the readers.

I do have the feeling that something is not right. Eliza seemed too slowed for some reason, too calm and confused for a person just been rescued. Besides, Cehyn made the decision to stay on Earth and lead her normal life. I have a very strong feeling that it won't go well with the Gorpies, especially with how many times they warned her to come back before letting her go. I am genuinely about what will happen now.

Overall, this part was very well constructed. The tension you have created throughout the part ran well with the fast pace of the story. You conveyed Cehyn's worry and her simultaneous relief at finding Eliza alive very well. The descriptions in the beginning were really well developed and you can clearly see the difference in your writing style from then and now.

Without getting any way, Cehyn sprinkled water from the forest-swamp on Eliza's face

The first of this sentence felt a little weird and I did not really get what you wanted to say. Maybe rewrite it somehow?

Overall, this was a very good continuation.

Keep writing and have a great day!






Thanks for the Review! That needs to be fixed. I will fix all those mistakes.




Light griefs are loquacious, but the great are dumb.
— Seneca