The Teacher said unto the Student,
"My Son, follow my instruction,
And you will succeed,
For I am wise
And you are inexperienced.
I have encountered many trials
And challenges
That you could only dream of.
My knowledge of the world
Far exceeds yours.
It would be of your best intentions
To obey my teachings
Until the time comes
When you can teach others."
The Student said unto the Teacher,
"But, Teacher,
If I follow your instruction,
How will I experience the world
In the way that I must
To become my own person?
While it is true that you are experienced,
Your experiences will not be my own.
Where you have travelled left,
I may go right,
And where you have travelled up,
I may go down.
How do you truly know that your instruction
Is for my own good?"
"My Son, you must learn to obey,
For disobedience breeds disrespect,
And disrespect breeds violence.
Where others have shunned my teachings
And have slaughtered thousands,
My hope is you follow them,
And better the world."
"But, Teacher,
If I stay sheletered under your word,
I may not have the experience
For an ever changing world.
For what was taboo in your world
Is the norm in my own,
And what was the norm in your world
Is obsolete in my own.
Therefore, should I not travel on my own accord,
To better myself and the world around me?"
"My Son, you must learn to trust,
For distrust breeds fear,
And a fearful culture breeds a hateful culture.
I tell you, trust your Elders;
They are much wiser than yourself,
And will lead you to the path of wholesomeness."
"But, Teacher,
You have yet to prove yourself to me.
One would think
That such a wise Teacher as yourself
Would be able to convince me,
A lowly Student,
To obey your teachings
To the strictest standards.
Yet, here I sit,
Bickering with you,
Unmoved from my disobedience.
There are no doubt people that honour you
As I do.
However, I am yet to be convinced
That you are as wise as you claim you are.
For is it not your culture
That causes violence and fear?
Is it not your culture
That slaughters for wealth?
Is it not your culture
That is the cause of the atrocities of man?
With this evidence upon you,
How can you possibly convince others
That your teachings are wise and pure?"
The Teacher sat motionless,
imploring the Student with his eyes.
Finally, the Teacher heaved a great sigh,
And with a weary voice, said,
"My Son, you are wise in your words,
But only your actions prove your wisdom,
For I was once in your position,
Debating with my Elders,
Pointing out their misdeeds,
And vowing to become better leaders
Than they have been.
But, Son, there comes a time in life,
When dreams are lost in reality.
Things that were once important,
Such as improving the world,
Were over shadowed by greed and violence.
If you truly want to change the world,
Do not sit here and vow you will.
Rather, venture into the unknown,
And, with all of your being,
Show that you are a better leader."
With that, the Teacher stood,
Bowed,
And left the Student to his thoughts.
************************
I wasn't sure if I should've extended the ending for a response from the student. I decided against it, but let me know otherwise (if it'll work).
It's my first (actual) attempt at poetry, so give it a whirl.
revised 7-20-2007
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
I think it's really long and u use the word Teacher alot and after the first line that say about teacher said to student that should be enough, you should use another noun to refer them i think that'll make it look better and i think your ending is good. Left him in his thoughts, but i have to say, i thought the boy was going to outwise the teacher. and i like the topic but because it's too long, it just like ehhhh begin to loose interest in reading it.
I think you should just get rid of the line breaks, as it already reads like a story.
Honestly, in this format, I couldn't make it past the second stanza.
I am sorry, I have to agree. This was kinda boring and I believe you could make it shorter and more to the point.
And like Fireweed said, it was a little too wordy.
Sorry, I did not like this tha much.
Try agian. Don't give up hope.
-- M.B.Author
The message here is good, but the style is too wordy, almost a little preachy. It seems a bit repetitive, too, like in some parts you're just re-hashing what you've already said. Like Fand said, try to cut out unnecessary words, or replace them with fewer but stronger words. Often less is more.
Again, I like the message, and this is impressive for a first poem. You're off to a great start! ^_^
Hm. I'd agree with the analysis of this poem as a bit overwrought. A poet is supposed to be able to say the same thing as a prose writer in far fewer, far more powerful words; that's the challenge of poetry. This uses more words with less power.
The best advice I ever got when it came to writing either poetry or prose: "When it comes to editing, pretend that you're going to be paid $100 for every word you can cut out or make more powerful."
Revised my ending. Also made my wording more consistent.
Yeah, I wasn't sure about that either. I didn't want to be repetative and boring by constantly saying "The Teacher to the Student" and so forth. Any suggestions on better transitions?
I actually like this idea... I'll see what I can do with it.
This is a really an amazing poem. I loved how it appeared the student was much smarter than the teacher. Also I agree with ofour be better if the teacher can't accept the boys logic. Great poem one of the best seen on this site.
I'm in agreement with Sureal on everything.
However: it seems to me that you could create a viscious irony at the end. Instead of the teacher's submission you could make him comment on how, no matter how hard he tries, the student will be the same. By this I mean that he will be violent, will create war etc. Such a retort, if properly done would carry extra meaning as your poem seems in favour of the student's point of view and an antithesis such as this would strike the reader (metaphorically).
Just a thought.
I'm gonna be different, and say that, actually, I really enjoyed this. To the point that, when asked to put car in the garage half-way through the poem, I sat down and finished reading before I did so.
Two points though:
1) 'Student to Teacher,' and 'Teacher to Student,' doesn't read very well. It's just so sudden and brief; it breaks the flow of the entire poem.
2) I didn't really like the ending - I found the Teacher's sudden acceptance to be unrealistic.
Eh... I basically stopped reading after the teacher's second response.
It seems like you had an idea that you could paint this beautiful image of two people conversing, both thinking they're right, and letting the reader decide which is for himself (when the reader really knows they both are).
Yeah...lovely idea. Really.
Just try and make it interesting.
It's too... overdone. Like, I know that this is poetry, but it is narrative poetry and that means that the story has to be just as strong as the poem, right? But the dialogue is weak and overwrought and it just continues on and on. In fiction, this would be frowned at. I'm not sure about poetry (I'm not really a poet) but maybe ask Incan about narrative poetry, and I'm sure that he might give you some nice information about it.