Empty Space

The ending is much better now. Well done! (Have you edited this? Because I missed it the first time...)

You still have some 'telling' sentences and some stanzas are still jerky and clumsy to read in places. Perhaps you could rework these as per the suggestions that I have outlined above.

But this really has potential. It's a very wistful poem, beautiful and sorrowful at the same time.

Good luck!

8/10

For your first time, it's pretty good Flem. Congratz lol. Well there's nothing for me to tear up since everyone else already tore it up. But I lied it.... if it help.... maybe.... hopefully....


-Max

I had read your first draft of this and your revisions have improved it so much.

I'll echo Gahks' question about the two different people in the two stanzas - on reading the first version, I thought the poem was about one person. I have to admit that, although I like the poem, I don't fully understand it. But that's OK.

I liked these lines:

And have you laughing until
Your face glistened with tears.

This is very good. It's moving without being cringey. It flows well for the most part and I like how you portray the different individuals. I really love the last haunting verse. It's very powerful and chilling, and flows well. I think I'd tweak it a little, change line breaks and cut a few words etc;

"The empty space beside me
[s]Once [/s]housed the soul
of a man who would give you
the shirt off his back, (this is a bit cliche)
The keys to his car,
And the money from his wallet, (This line is a bit long and jerky.)
After carrying you on his shoulders
Wherever you needed to go. (Maybe try;
And what money he had
After carrying you
Where you needed to go",
think it works better with the rhythm.)

The lonely echo in the halls (I like the imagery but the rhythm is a bit jerky)
Was once the laughter of
The sweetest girl in the world,
Always ready to crack a joke
To break the stone in your stomach,
And have you laughing until
Your face glistened with tears. (Maybe try;

"The lonely echo
in the halls
was once the laughter
of a girl,
always prepared
to crack a joke
to break stones the
stomach used hold,
making you laugh 'til your
face shone with tears" or something similar syllabyl-wise.)

The single coat
on the coat rack
Is [s]now[/s] a cloak of reminders
Of a life well spent,
Stitched together with
Late-night monster searches,
Round-the-clock bike repair,
And the Cozy Shoulder Rest Stop. (This a really fresh verse and gives a vivid snippet of the life in question.Love it.)

The opportunities were endless,
But the hauntings overtook them,
And now they simply swing
From a noose
in the closet." (Again, I love the ending. The twist was unexpected and very hard-hitting.)

Hope this helps.

Jas

Wow, there's not much to say about this; its so good. You said you felt it was a bit empty, but then again, that is part of your title and in a way makes it a stronger poem. 9/10! Great job, and nice strong ending!

This is much better than the remnants of the original version that remain in Snoink's review.

You employed some good images:

"The empty space beside me"

and:

"The single coat on the rack (avoid repetition wherever you can unless for effect)
Is now a cloak of reminders"

Some of the stanzas however were clumsy and could be structured better. Using the first stanza as an example:

"The empty space beside me
Once housed a man
Who would carry you on his shoulders
Wherever you wanted;
He'd give you the shirt off his back,
The keys to his car
And the money from his wallet
Free of charge."

Who was the person always ready to crack a joke with you in stanza two? The girl? The man? Please clarify this.

In several places your phrasing was weak and needed fresh, lively imagery. The first stanza petered out, lacking in impact. Try:

"The empty space beside me
Once housed a man
Who cast me away
To faraway lands,
Places I had never
Dreamed of."

Something like that to start you off. Learn the importance of strong, vivid imagery that will carry your audience on a terrific emotional journey. Cut down on 'telling' sentences:

"The opportunities were endless"

Get rid of the "were"; it's too bland. Open the idea up: make it an image!

"We could have
Lost ourselves forever
In a sea of happiness"

Isn't it not only more involving, but also more poetic? If you start thinking in terms of what makes your subject matter poetic, you're well on your way to writing excellent pieces.

A good attempt, well done.

6/10

Its so...solemn and haunting.
I really like this poem. It has good metaphors and gives the reader a sad feeling.
Keep up!!

I felt you wanted it to be sorrowful. Although some stanzas were some felt more happy to me, and some empty. I suggest more adjectives describing how you're feeling.

Thanks for the crits. I thought it was a little empty, but wasn't sure where. I just rewrote it, so have at it.

You know, although I agree with some of the other posters on the vagueness, I really liked the poem. I like how it was simple and short, and I think that you get the point across well at the end. If you could maybe take the other images that you use throughout the poem and try and mimic the last stanza, I think this piece would be even better.

I think it's a great poem, and I',m really struggling to find something to critique .
I love : 'Is now a lifetime of memories

Stitched together with adventure and romance.', the imagery is fantastic and really links in with the themes of the poem.
However, I would agree with other posts on that it IS slightly ambiguous and the meaning can easily get lost, so I'd try to make it a little clearer, although I don't know how you would do that without ruining the punchiness and structure of the poem.
Just something to ponder! Keep writing. It has the makings of something pretty damn good
~sday

I really wish I could find soemthing to say about this...sorry.

It's too good and simple for me to really critique or spot any kind of error. The only thing I can say is that it was slightly vague, but that can always be fixed.

There you have it, at any rate.

The empty space beside me

Once housed the most inspiring soul <--- Get rid of "most inspiring."

The world has ever met. <--- This almost demands more description of the inspiring soul that goes beyond the line that you put here. Why is this soul inspiring? Explain.

The lonely echo in the halls <--- Weird subject/sentence change here.

Was once the laughter of

The greatest comedian yet. <--- EXPLAIN.

The single coat on the coatrack <--- Your images are quick and fleeting, and not in a good way. You're making the reader do far too much work, wondering what the blazes you're talking about. Making the reader think is always a good thing, however, you have to give the clues. And this isn't enough.

Is now a lifetime of memories <--- Yay, cliched phrase...

Stitched together with adventure and romance. <--- How so?



The opportunities were endless,

But now they simply swing

From a noose in the closet. <--- This stanza is more like it. You may want to shorten it up, but it's fine right now. You gotta lead up to it though or else it's going to fail horribly. Scrap the rest of the poem and try to come up with more vivid imagery to describe what you want to say.