Young Writers Society

I hear knocking at the door.
Perfect.
You're right on time.

A catchy beginning.

I lead you into the room.
No need for small talk.

Small talk? I think there are definitely better ways to reference to foreplay and courtesy. Make them sound useless, put yourself below the formalities of this game.

We kiss; I caress.
Slowly, but steadily,
We're in the mood.

"We're in the mood" sort of sounds like it comes from a disco song. "Horny" would probably be too bold. I want that lusting feeling, not a "mood".

Luther Vandross croons
As I slide off your dress.
The curves of your bosom
Entice me.

Beautiful imagery.

We engage in the act
So forbidden by some,
Yet so loved by all.

You spend three lines explaining that it is sinful, but satisfying. I think you could shorten down this already well-explored impulse of our society.

Our glistening bodies
Writhe in passion.
My lips,
My tongue,
Exploring every inch of your body.
We twist and turn,
Moaning and groaning,
In the heat of the moment.

This entire stanza was very ..sexy.

We're getting to the moment

Note the reuse of the word only a line apart.

Where inhibitions are thrown to the wind.
You're becoming short of breath.
I time it right,
And our muscles relax,
As we look each other in the eyes.

Looking into somebody's eyes is very passionate, like a naked soul. Since this is based purely on lust, I am sure the two participants would not be gaping at each other's souls during a climax.

You get up to leave.
I hand you the money
As you get dressed
And head out the door.
But you won't make it that far.

Pure action, very concrete, and not all that beautiful. Either spice it up or shorten it down.

You fall to the floor
A message clearly stated
On the wall in front of you.
It says that no one will miss you,
Nobody loves you,

"Loves" is firstly wrong because they are now gone, and I think "loved" would also work best because it would imply that no matter how many times they "made love" they never had actual "love."

And I get a complete refund
For meaningless sex.

I love the last two lines. They make the poem.

This poem was... good. Umm probably a little too deep for someone my age but one thing i did catch that sounded a little funny was when you said:

In the heat of the moment.

We're getting to the moment

i have to agree with Claudette, there wasn't a lot of flow in some places. i also agree with that part that she liked, i enjoyed that myself. i think everything i could say has been said. work on flow and rhythm, and work on when you skip between twodifferent things. for example, the last two lines could be seperate, to add emphasis to them.

there was a lot that didn't go well together however, so i'm afraid it didn't really work for me. keep it up though, you have the words of a poet, just need to work on other aspects mentioned.

There wasnt really a pattern here, I wasnt a great fan of it. But if you are a beginner, as Claudette said: the subject/theme is good.

Beginners, Including myself usually try to be too vague in terms of theme, which I continually do.

Hee, Nice Flemzo!

I...liked it but it felt sort of, too long for it to be enjoyable? Maybe thats because I always pack my poems into tight ten liners if I can. *likes quick poetry* It's also very...I'm not sure of a word? Some of the lines don't really go with the whole piece, this starts to come off more as a story in verse structure than an actual poem.

Yes! That's it exactly. Because it has no rhythm, no rhyme (And I love it rhyme less, don't rhyme, or I might shoot you) it doesn't even present it's self as a poem. It just looks like one, but it doesn't read like one. Maybe work on giving is a rhythm? But, this is only my opinion.

Poetry always flows, keeps you on the same topic unless you switch verse. (or you are actually trying to jump out at them, like how in "act" I had the sister cry out, it jumped out at them). I'll use the last stanza as an example since I liked some of the lines.

You fall to the floor
A message clearly stated
On the wall in front of you.
It says that no one will miss you,
Nobody loves you,
And I get a complete refund
For meaningless sex.

Yea, that wasn't much of a critique. But I'm not the authority on this. Um, I guess I liked your poem *hesitant laugh*. But I don't get what happened in the end. Did he kill her?

Whoa