NOTE: Whenever I experiment, I think that whatever I do is really cool. Then I re-read it, and wonder if it is as cool as I thought it was. This is one of those poems. -kf
Addiction
all it takes is one.
one drink or one cigarette,
and you think that you can
(alcohol) quit whenever you want.
but soon it (nicotine)
consumes your mind,
and suddenly,
what you thought was (alcohol)
manageable becomes wildly
out of control.
"i can quit whenever i want,"
you coolly tell yourself,
and sometimes,
you (sleeping pills) believe it.
and sure,
you may go for stretches of time
without thinking about
the thing that you secretly crave.
but the feelings never last,
and soon, thoughts of
(nicotine) your addiction
swarm your mind, and
(pornography) the thoughts
continue to swirl and (alcohol)
flood your mind, and
(Demerol) you can't (marijuana)
look through the (nicotine)
(cocaine) clouds of (heroin)
disgust (meth) that (alcohol)
make you feel (nicotine) (alcohol)
like you could al(meth)ways
im(nicotine)(alco(cocaine)hol)prove.
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139,650 Literary Works • 672,643 Reviews
Hello there, Flower here, and I will be your reviewer for the evening!
Addiction
all it takes is one. Capitalize the A.
one drink, or one cigarette, I think the comma looked good there, but it's up to you.
and you think that you can
(alcohol) quit whenever you want.
but soon it (nicotine)
consumes your mind,
and suddenly,
what you thought was (alcohol)
manageable becomes wildly
out of control.
"i can quit whenever i want," Capitalize the I.
OK, well that will show just what kind of things need to be fixed, not that you already didn't know about capitalizing. Anyway I think that this could have been worded better. You could make the words in parentheses match the stanza. I think that would make the poem seem much better.
I also think you should make sure about capitalizing things. It is so distracting to see little i's everywhere. I really like how it got stronger as it went along, but I think you should try and strengthen the beginning. It seems weak in the beginning for some reason, but I think you could easily fix that.
Other than that I loved this! I don't know if it is technically true that you can get addicted in one try, but whatever works I guess haha.
Good Luck! Pm me if you need me.
-Flower-
This was amazing. I love it. It deserves all the credit in the world. You are extremely creative.
I meant to review this when I first saw it but at the time I just wasn't in the mood to write a review. So! Now I'm finally back to give you my thoughts. =]
So I really love the avant guarde style and the subject matter. It's wonderful. You know, in that not-so-actually wonderful way because it's about addiction. I love the way the addictions sick further into the poem and eventually destroy it, so to speak. However, I do feel that you go a bit over board towards the end. There's a difference between artful genius and "too much". For one, I think you should do your best to think about where your putting the words, which ones you're actually putting, and making them seem like they fit within the poem, as if that's what it's meant to say (for a double entendre effect).
These are examples of where I felt it flowed really well (although I did have to cut out the ones where I felt it didn't!).
I also think you should remove the parenthesis. Embed the words into the poem - keep the italics though. And like I said, don't over due it - but do it right. I feel like this is a great poem now, but you're going to need to up your level of consideration and thought to really, really make it something good. This is where every word choice, every word placement, every line break becomes important. If you focus hard on that it can be even more powerful.
Speaking of word choice, I am not a fan of the title. To me, a poem's title should expand the meaning of a poem, not make obvious (like this) the content of it, especially when the content is so obvious. Often times a title can be used as a key to understanding the deeper meaning of a poem, but this poem's meaning is very much on the surface and that's completely okay, too. But since it is on the surface, I feel your title shouldn't just explain what the poem is about, but like I said, expand the meaning. "Addiction" is too bland, too obvious, and not thought out enough. Sorry to make it hard! But I consider poetry the most difficult form of writing, and poem titles even more difficult.
So, bite the bullet, spend some time with it. I'd love to see you make something with even more power.
Wow, that is good. It is very creative as said previous! It sends out a warning message and I liked that you did that. One, thanks for bringing that message out to people, I don't think anyone has ever though of that, you're very imaginative. And two, you HAVE skill. Keep writing more, :]
~Skyy.
Mhhm. So true. I loved it, it was very creative.
First i read through your poem really quick because the whole (alcohol), (nicotine) thing was confusing
but when i got to the end and found myself really really confused and trying to focus THEN I got what you were trying to do...I ended up LOVE-ing it 
I think it works better phrased "quit (alcohol) whenever you want." It makes more sense and fits in with how you've placed the other such inserts.
Overall, it was interesting. I like how you used the parentheses, and while I think a couple of them could be better placed, they worked well, for the most part, up until the end. The end became almost completely incoherent, and while it does mimic the incoherency of addiction, it's too incoherent. The other half of the poem is completely lost under the deluge of parenthetical asides. Also, especially in the beginning, the drugs you mention are a bit repetitive. Not a bad thing, since you talk about how you keep going back to the drugs, and it ties into that, but suddenly, again at the end, you've got a whole bunch of drugs that weren't mentioned before crammed all together in the last few lines. I suggest spreading them out a bit through the poem.
Again, interesting, though I think the execution could use some refining and fine tuning.
I really like this poem, Flem. How, towards the end, it started getting jumbled and crazier, mimicking an addiction and how someone needs it. At first I was confused in the beginning as to why you were doing that.
This made me smile, the flow was good, and it was just... good.
/endofnotsomuchofacritiqueasitisanegobooster