Just two characters: <3
z
Go ahead.
Try it.
I dare you.
Look this innocent young soul
dead in his eyes
and tell him about life's harsh realities.
Tell him that sometimes
people despise you
just because.
Tell this darling little princess
that it doesn't matter how
talented,
intelligent,
or loving she is,
she will always be a failure
because she doesn't look like
the models in the magazine.
Tell them that
life is cruel,
and that people will hate you
for the color of your skin,
the people you associate with,
or whether you say
"pop" or "soda."
And then you die.
Or.
You can come around to their way of thinking.
Innocence reigns supreme
in the mind of a child,
where someone is your friend
because they have the same shirt as you.
Where dancing is done out in public
to the music in your head.
Where Love is a real and tangible thing,
and everyone wins in the end.
You can't tell the children
there is no hope
just because you've lost all of yours.
Hey there, Flemzo!
So, right off the bat, I loved this because of the title. Most poems lately seem to be titled in under a word. But you did something different than what you usually see on the forum list which caught my attention right away. Enough about titles though.
I love the overall free-flow of this poem but I may simply be biased due to the fact that it's my favorite form of poetry due to how flexible it is, something you do a great job of showing off here.
The only thing I'm not particularly fond of is the line "Or" if you wanted to call it a line, more of an interrupter. But it really does interrupt the flow of the poem, at least for me.
Favorite lines:
in the mind of a child,
where someone is your friend
because they have the same shirt as you.
for the color of your skin,
the people you associate with,
or whether you say
"pop" or "soda."
just because you've lost all of yours.
I want to squeeze this and hug it and never let it go and plaster it all over the internet so everyone can see.
Also, it made me cry. Change nothing.
I can tell the children this poem's great! Okay, so now for a Quick Critique! For any review requests or questions, have an appointment on my clinic below at my signature!
CONCEPT & THEME:
Great concept! A tragedy within one. It tells how one life can affect another. It tells that people's mistakes can make others suffer. A protection, a barrier was put through by the speaker. There is both anger and pleading. Wonderful!
IMAGERY & CREATIVITY:
There is a bout of emotion here! The way the speaker pours in the words is very destructive, and yet its aim is to protect. I did feel the emotion, and very much at that. Just be wary of the way you write! Don't tell a poem in a very straightforward manner, carry in some figurative speech and 'paint' the verses to add up on creativity.
SCHEME:
No absolute rhyme scheme or meter here. Just old free verse. I do like the way you cut each verse. They can stand almost perfectly on their own. Great work!
TECHNICALITIES:
The only thing I noticed is your first line. 'Look' is used to direct someone's eyes to an object, meaning there is a place or direction. A convention on this one won't work too well, in my opinion. Although grammar doesn't matter much in poetry, be careful with it still. There are some rules which are just confusing!
OVERALL:
Great work! A fantastic piece! Continue on writing, my friend!
Your Quick Critic,
Al
Points: 1271
Reviews: 532
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