There is silence Silence apart Apart from my breathing, And the sound of the wind. The whirling colourful thing, That was ment to go in the bin. Apart From the crickets, And the moths in the light. The murmuring, purring of the pets, A buzz of a bulb, shining too bright.
There is silence Silence apart Apart from the cars, And the voices next door. The munching, crunching of a chocolate bar, And the mouse, which ran across the floor. Apart from the rustling, Of my sheets as I move. The chimes gently ringing, Annoying, though meant to soothe.
There is silence Silence apart Apart from the clock And I only just hear it, The constant tick tock Like a heart, healthy and fit.
Apart from the noses of the night. Noses like a trickling stream, Only heard without our sight. The sounds as I drift off into dream.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Hello, FeatherPen!
seems awfully unneeded to me. You could say "There is silence apart" just one time and you wouldn't have this repetition that kind of jars the meter of the piece.I like all the images that you've included here. You've really painted us a picture of the narrator trying to go to sleep but being disturbed by all these tiny noises.
That being said, there are a few things that could be improved.
The repeated
While most of your meter and rhymes are pretty good, watch out for forced rhyme. Forced rhyme is when you allow the rhyme scheme of the piece to dictate what words you use.
For example, This line seems out of place within the stanza. It seems kind of forced. Also, "ment" should be "meant." That goes for several other lines in the poem, like the one about the heart.
Another thing that I liked about this is that you started with small noises and worked your way upwards a little. Breathing is probably the smallest noise. There are some that might be a little out of order in terms of loudness, but I like that it has movement like that.
Altogether, I enjoyed reading and reviewing this poem for you. I hope that this proves useful to you! Keep writing, and happy review day!
Greetings!
After reading The Sword , I had to check out your other poems. >.< I was NOT disappointed!! The repetition of "There is silence Silence apart" is probably what really made me love this! I only have a few minor suggestions...
I feel like this disrupts the flow of your rhyming a little bit. Door, and floor DO rhyme, but I feel like the rhythm is off. Line 2 has 6 syllables, and line 4 has ten (not including the comma). This makes it feel as your just rambling on and then RHYME, rambling on, and then another rhyme. I would maybe try and find a different word - or at least "simplify" the last line. Or you might "simplify" line 3. That might make it flow better as well.
Other than that, this was, simply put, beautiful. The last few lines were so well-written, I could almost cry. ;-; Fabulous job, and please keep writing.
~Snazz Pizzazz
Happy Review Day!
Hai! It's a review day, fellow writer! So I am going to review your work a bit.
So first of all, I like your piece. It was neat and clean and artsy. But then, I'm looking for something I don't know. Just a friendly advice from me, try to practice writing some piece with the usage of more flowery words. Uhmm... Honestly, I didn't get your poem that much but I like it.
I want to read more of your works in the future, though.
Keep on writing! May the Force of writing be with you!
Hi!!
I absolutely love this piece of work! I can totally relate to this because we can try to to hear the silence in our everyday lives, I think our hearts yearn for it. There's a lot of emotion in this piece by just describing the environment. I don't really have too much criticism for it, sorry.
~Tiffany