Today it was a garden fairy
Who boarded the half hourly train.
Wearing a dress of orange and pink,
As bright as the day was grey.
She skipped down the platform, through the rain
Hopping between brown brick flowers,
Before flying over the giant gap
As the dragon’s door closed.
Clutching her mother's hand
In the other she wielded a wand.
Dainty feet far above the floor,
Her mind was further still.
Unlike the others, cursed by routine,
She know who she was;
Garden fairy of Newcastle
And princess of the world.
Her light spindly legs swung by the seat,
Out of rhythm, off beat.
Till her mothers hand touched her
And shushed her.
The train drew to a halt
She hopped off her chair.
Disappearing through the mist,
To preschool or into fairy land.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Hi FerranWright, Felistia here with a review on your poem.
I really like your way of writing.
I love that you took a break from ugly goblins and rude trolls and wrote a poem about a pretty young pre-schooler in a fairy dress. The way you described the little girl was wonderful, you kept the reader in the really world while adding in fantasy themes like (As the dragon’s door closed.)
I do have a nit-pick or two though. I am a little confused about this line (Out of rhythm of beat.) Did you mean to write (Out of rhythm, out of beat.)? The last little thing is spelling mistake of small proportion (She hopped of her chair.) The (of) should be (off). I make that mistake countless times.
Over all the poem was great and I really liked the rhyming pattern, it helped the poem move along quite nicely. I look forward to when you write again. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Thank you for the review. it is a bit of a change from trolls and goblins. Thanks too for picking up on of and off, I've changed both to off. By the way the necklaces on your wall look awesome!
Thank you and it is a pleasure to read your work.
Hello fellow YWSer, I'm here to review this poem of yours!
First of all, I would like to thank you because I love cute things. Especially cute poems. This one made me smile because it has a touch of fantasy to it.
Now, I'm terrible at guessing the message of poems. I'm sorry if I may be wrong but I think it's about this average preschooler on the train. She has this wide imagination
Which I like to call realityand she believes that she is the Newcastle garden fairy. That's so cute if you ask me! But not only that, this shows that every bit of reality can be added with our imaginations to become somewhat fantasy. This just summed up my mind when I was eight.I believed I was Sailor Moon.Again, sorry if I'm wrong with the concept of this poem. I would read it again if that's the case.
Okay, on to the nitpicks!
There are not much I found, but there are grammar mistakes. I know, in poetry we don't care about grammar that much. I don't care about grammar unless it damages the poem's beauty. But if you want, you can check out the poem more closely and correct the grammatical errors. ^-^
All in all, I loved it so much and it brought out my cute side again!
That's all, happy writing~
Hey MemoryHunter,
Thank you for your review.
I%u2019m pleased you liked my poem. Your crossed out bits made me giggle. You have got the message spot on, I%u2019m pleased it came across right. Although I suppose it was me turning the little girl on the train into a fairy. I feel a bit thick asking this but where are the grammar errors? I%u2019m fine with picking them out of other people%u2019s work, but when it comes to my own my critic does not work so well. If I look at it in a day or two I%u2019ll probably get them, but it would be great if you could point them out.
Alright then! Here are the errors: (There are only two, don't worry!)
apostrophe on mothers. Honestly, this isn't much of an error, I could still understand. This should be she hopped off her chair. That's all I can spot, you do the rest~Thankyou, fixed now.
This poem is charming smart and very cute. I like how you describe the little girl and her dress (it was as bright as the day was grey) I want to read it to kids of all ages because i think that it would be able to take a dull, grey day and make it sunny again.
Keep writing you have a real talent. Great work!!
thankyou