Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The City Goblin

by FeatherPen


	The city goblin wears glasses.  
	And resides;
	In the same seats,
	On same the train,  	
	Every morning. 
	Bagsing them as his own.   

	He has the resemblance of a small aged man.
	He’s not. 
	A blue hoddie marks his goblin tribe. 
	Over the top he wears a second jacket, 
	In black and white cameo, 
	As though in discise. 
 
	Around his neck, a train ticket is strung.
	Gold for pensioner,
	It’s displayed like a medallion.  
 
	This morning he must have 
	Slicked back his pepper hair,
	For its covering his baled patch.
	While, bristle, a few days old
	Masks his chin and cheeks.
 
	Snoring, he’s hunched over his protruding beer belly, 
	Dribbling slightly, from the nose. 
	His bottom lip is open,
	As though used to holding a pipe. 
 
	Disturbed by a fly,
	He grumbles and snorts. 
 
	Like a traditional goblin, 
	Thick eyebrows, broad lips and a large nose 
	Are features of his appearance. 
	Suspicious eyes would be added to the list, 
	But he’s asleep and being watched,
	Unobserved.
 
	Unlike his ancestors’ leather sandals,
	His are orthopaedic,
	They’re nylon black.
 
	His hands are wrinkled, 
	With nails bitten to the skin, 
	And they clutch at his black case, 
	The city goblin is guarding his treasures. 
 
	As the train slows, 
	He wakes, muttering cursers. 
	His hunch becomes evident,
	When he makes to stand.
	Snarling at the other passengers,
	He alightsfirst, 
	Pulling his possessions behind him.

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Sun Nov 29, 2015 6:18 am
lliyah wrote a review...



This was so interesting. If you do other pieces like this, I would strongly suggest putting them in the poetry category rather than "other" because for some reason people don't often review things put in "other" (probably because they are just scared). :)

Grammar/Wording
I came across quite a few grammar mistakes, so would strongly suggest running it through a spell checker or taking the time to read twice before posting.
There were quite a few spelling mistakes, that I'm sure you could easily pick out so I won't bother to pick them all out for you. Some were
Stanza 1
"Bagsing"?
Stanza 2
"blackand" should be 2 words
Stanza 4
"balled" should be "bald"
Stanza 5
"thoughused" should be 2 words
Stanza 7
Some of your words ran together again.
Stanza 9
"culch" --> should be "clutch"

Your word choice was humorous and fit with the theme. The descriptions of this fellow passenger made him seem mysterious, mythical, but also completely human. The blend of ordinary and extraordinary descriptions (like the goblin tribe and the jacket) really pulled this poem together and made it a very enjoyable and clear read.

Formatting
I liked that your formatting was pretty consistent ie. capitalizing every first letter, and keeping quick short lines. You could move stuff around/add lines to make every stanza have a similar (or the same) amount of lines, but it is not really necessary. It just makes things look neater.

The first stanza's line breaks are a bit odd. Why is "the city" in a line all by itself?

This line is a bit long and could be broken in two "Snoring, he’s hunched over his protruding beer belly".

Content

I really enjoyed the idea behind this poem, quite original and humorous. Although I think that the intended meaning behind the poem was somewhat of a comment on our culture and what qualifies as ordinary, also as to how other humans behave and the concept of "people watching". The vision seemed pretty clear - you stuck with theme and went all in, never straying from that main idea, which is good.

Overall I enjoyed reading the poem, and look forward to reading more of your work. Great job and good luck editing and writing!

~alliyah




FerranWright says...


Thanks aliyah for your review, the reason it was in other is because when I started writing it onto the computer it was just a sprawling paragraph of description on the back of a scrap piece of paper. It was not originally intended as a poem as I wrote it with no regard for rhythm or rhyme. In the future for this type I will classify it as poem because it did end up lain out as one. Additionally I have fixed the layout of the first stanza. I didn%u2019t have them all the same length because they are roughly separated by topic. Thankyou for pointing out the spellings it is one of the things I struggle with spotting, when reading my own work. Thanks again it was really helpful



lliyah says...


Awwh I like the edits! Again - great piece! :)



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Mon Oct 26, 2015 1:27 am
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felistia wrote a review...



Hi Felistia here with a review.

Excellent poem, I love the character and how you described him. The poem flows really well and there are no boring bits. I can physically see the old man snoring on the bench and every verse adds to his character. The last part was the best because you had painted the full picture and then ended it superbly. The whole goblin theme is very interesting and the way you incorporated it is excellent.

I look forward to more of your work.




FerranWright says...


Thanks Felistia, originally I just intended it as a descriptive passage to pass the time, but he poetry layout ended up working.
Two Trolls was also written based on people from the train. I think both are better read out loud




There's a Brazilian things you could write about. You just gotta pick Juan.
— Hattable