Two trolls who spoke as toads,
Of fairer sex yet
Non described as fair.
Their volume-isity did splurge upon the seat,
Their feet upon the chair.
One held its tongue yet still could swear,
The other belched and burped.
A patch upon the arm described
As skin of beast.
All harm and hurt was mirth.
Short of stance and wide of berth,
With gravely voice,
The mother called abuse
The daughter answered back.
They were two trolls resembling girls.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Hmm, this is very interesting. The words mostly show what the last line says, so that's good. The line, "Of fairer sex yet," caught my attention and I actually love how you used such unique phrasing to mention the characters' gender. This poem also reminds me of like a folktale of some sort; it definitely gives an interesting feel.
Your descriptions for me are like "inside out" of abusive/rebellious nature.
"They were two trolls resembling girls," as an ending kind of falls flat for me, however. I'm not saying it's not good, it's just I'm not sure it works with the rest of the poem. Like you describe the mother and daughter as trolls then you tell us what you already described. Am I making sense? I don't know, maybe that's just me. Overall, I really found this piece quite intriguing. Happy Review Day, this is my first.
Thank you penfeme for your feed back, It is interesting you picked up on the last line because it was added later a few hours after the rest of the poem arrived in my head. The problem is I can not think of another was to satisfactorily conclude it as without that last line. I%u2019ll keep it in mind and try to work out a more fitting conclusion.
Hi FerranWright, Felistia here with a review on your latest poem.
Firstly happy review day.
Now on with the review.
I love that you described the woman as trolls, it is a very unique twist on poetry that I haven't seen before other than your last poem City Goblin.
The poem flows very well and is easy a nice easy reading length. I can't find any mistakes in the grammar or punctuation, which is pulled of perfectly.
You really need to write more. I look forward to your next work and I hope you have a great day\night.
Thanks felistia, happy review day to you too. It is not that i dont write it is just that I'm never satisfied enough to post it. However I am planing on posting more this holidays, so you will be able to read some more of my work shortly. Look out for the garden fairy who will be coming next.
I liked this very much. I haven't read too many pieces based on trolls, so unique ideas like these are always refreshing. The ideas of pieces like these are truly breaths of fresh air!
I like how you compare the girls to trolls and make that connection. I agree that in some cases girls are like trolls! Good analogy!
I loved these parts:
"With gravely voice,
The mother called abuse
The daughter answered back."
I feel they really portrayed what you wanted them to! "Abuse" is quite the clever word to use. I appreciate the placement of the word, because often mothers and daughters "fighting" is more like "abuse."
"Two trolls who spoke as toads,"
and
"One held its tongue yet still could swear,"
I have always said that if you speak vulgarly, no one can take you seriously. I can really identify with these, because I feel that unattractive people swear, and these people are made out to be unattractive in this piece, (they are compared to trolls!)
Also, THANK YOU for using proper formatting and capitalization. By just capitalizing the first letter in a sentence it looks SO much neater. It also helps the readers concentrate more on the content over the visual appearance with proper formatting such as this.
I was, however confused about how you can:
"One held its tongue yet still could swear,"
Because if you hold your tongue, you don't talk? And if you don't talk, how do you swear?
Also, I'm not sure if I caught a grammar mistake or if I am just confused again:
"Non described as fair."
Should "non" be "not" or am I mistaken?
Overall I love the idea of this! Definitely one of my new favorites! Keep writing like this PLEASE! I'm loving it!
<3
Thankyou for your review, I%u2019m pleased you liked it. The girl was actually holding her tongue with her fingers and talking on the phone to someone who was suggesting words which would sound like swear words. Hence she held her tongue yet still could swear. %u201CNon described%u201D was me tying to sound like the old fairytales I wanted it to have the feel of, also a bit like the tempest. Non in this case is short for none as in, none would have described them as fair. I also think it sounds more guttural when spoken out loud than not so in this case it was purposeful but thanks for pointing it out any how. Thanks again it is good to know where it doesn%u2019t quite make sense.