If I had understood
The pain it would put me through
I never would have made you choose.
~*~
If it hadn't been all your fault
That things were going south
I never would have made you choose.
~*~
If I had known you better then
Known how much apathy you had
I never would have made you choose.
~*~
If I had known what I know now
Your pretty lies, your empty smiles
I never would have chosen you.
~*~
I never would have made you choose
Between me and her
If it hadn't been the only way.
~*~
If I knew you wouldn't pick me
That you would leave me broken,
I never would have let you choose.
~*~
The thing about choices,
Is they're made for good.
I never would have made you choose.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
heya, Eevee! Casanova here for another review! Anyway, I would like to say I like the message behind this one, it's really clear to me. So props for that, but I do have a few nitpicks.
Okay, so the first thing I noticed was repetition. An example-
Notice the last line of each three line stanza. It's the exact same thing,"I never would have made you choose." I think you could have gotten rid of all but the last,"I never would have made you choose," and combined the stanza's and you wouldn't have gotten rid of a single thing. The repetition, at times, is stomach achingly unbearable. But that's just style. I used to repeat a lot in poems, but I grew out of that. Only when it fits, and it doesn't fit here. At least in my opinion.
The next thing about the repetition- if you're going to have it at least try to make it consistent. What I mean by this is repeating it where it should be repeated it. The beginning three stanza's have,"I never would have made you choose," and so does the last two. The middle one, however-
I could see the transition to,"I never would have chosen you," without too much trouble. But then the repetition completely goes away in the following line. Were you fishing for a way to keep it going? You could have just dropped it off at the first three stanzas, but you didn't.
Anyway, the repetition is my biggest concern here, so I won't touch on the other things. I hope this has helped, at least some. I'm moving on to some other things now.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Cassy
A nice, straight-forward, sentimental poem full of emotions.
The poem talks about post-breakup pain. 'Person X' regrets having stood up to their friend/lover, and having told them to 'choose'.
To choose whom exactly? What was even the nature of the relationship that the poem talks about?
it's so ambiguous..
Let me explain. A reader would read your poem in two different ways:-
1- In a romantic light; the poem is about the aftermath of a breakup.
2- The poem is about two best friends. One of them leaves the other for the sake of a new person that came into their life.
I personally favor the first reading and that's - probably - what you meant, am I right? Other than that, your poem is great and full of emotions. But I think it just needs more clarification and less vagueness.
Keep up
Hey Ever.
This is a really nice poem. I've noticed that you changed the repeating lines which confused me quite a bit because I didn't notice until after and I was like "What?". Besides that I think it's poem is very nice. I find the story rather sad and right now I'm not the happiest person so now I'm even sadder xD
But that's alright because sad poem as supposed to make you feel sad. Sorry if I'm rambling. Sorry this review was not that great
I hope you have a nice day
Rachel
What's up, EverWinter~
It's MergSword here for a review on your poem! (and with my second review for both R.E.D and for Team Tortoise! I'm so eager! ^^)
Your poetry somewhat reminds me of my poetry before my style changed, as we both repeat ending lines, and usually have three lines in a stanza. I'm going to use the advice I was given to make my poetry better, and try my best not to bias this do to the fact our poetry is very similar.
Advice I have gotten in the past is to maybe separate short stanzas with just a space, in order for it not to be choppy. Also, I noticed that in some stanzas,
Has been changed to other things such as,
I don't necessarily have a problem with this, but it's a small nitpick of mine because it breaks the theme a little bit.
Again, another nitpick. As for this one, it just didn't share anything in common with the other lines. Also, again, it's not a problem, just a nitpick.
Anyway, moving on with my many nitpicks, I really liked this poem. I'm sorry about what happened that inspired you to write this, and I hope you feel better/are feeling better. As you have thoroughly stated, choice really is an option. We all have those moments where we have to make a decision that affects somebody else. Once more, truly sorry...
The poem was great, and very meaningful. Keep on writing!
~MergSword