I teeter, downward gazing.
The edge is sharp, inviting.
Below the fall is thrilling,
Ending in death, am I willing?
~*~
I glance back for a sign
The fall, a ride of a lifetime.
If I did, it'd be no crime.
And surely, I might survive.
~*~
As I look, I see him there.
In his eyes, that choking stare.
He nods yes, do I dare?
Impossible to hide how much I care.
~*~
He rushes forward, grabbing me.
And as we tip, I smile widely.
Losing balance, falling free,
Ride of a lifetime, indeed.
~*~
I remember now, a time before.
A fall I took with one I adored.
It ended with pain, deep in my core.
I convince myself, just once more...
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139,907 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Heya, Eevee! I'm back to finish up the rest of your portfolio, so let's get started! To the review!
I'll be doing this one stanza by stanza.
The first line here is off. Read it allowed. We want to feel what you're talking about, but your phrasing is making it off-putting. I feel like you have the,"gazing," at the end to keep the,"ing," endings going. In a poem you wouldn't have to have this considering you're not actually rhyming, although the,"ing," sound is in all of them. You're not taking into account non-vowel words, so I suggest playing around with it to try and make it better. The only lines I find decent are the last two here, the first two have the problem I just stated.
Here you rhyme. It's slant rhyme, but rhyme nonetheless. Why the switch from the previous stanza? If you're going to rhyme, make it consistent.
the second line of this seems to be just for rhyme."The Fall, a ride of a lifetime." It doesn't really relate or give more to the story. You could cut this out and not lose anything from the poem.
I say you could delete the,"As I look," part. You say,"I see you there," later in the rhyme, you wouldn't lose anything from it and it would take out choppy flow and wording. I won't touch on the other lines- there isn't much I can say.
Widely is a weird term for smiling. I like how you're playing around with words now, but it's still odd. You wouldn't just smile when you tipped- something like that would cause you to laugh, even. Make it a bit humorous and fun, considering the context of the line.
The phrasing of the first line bothers me. It seems like you're trying to keep the rhyme going, but it sounds off as well as forced. Try something like,"I remember a time before." Simple, no coma, helps flow, etc.
That's all I have to say on this one. Hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Cassy
I will review these later. my mind will not let me continue to review, I apologize.
Beautifully written! I've read it several times now.
Thanks!
EverWinter,
I absolutely love this piece!!!! I love the evolution between the stanzas! How he goes from questioning himself to looking for a reason to live, sees one, and decides to fall anyway. Then the thing that is holding him back comes for him, but doesn't let him back into his life. I especially love at the end when he regrets what he did.....or so he's trying to convince himself....
What i like:
I just adore the whole piece! from figurative language, to using a fall to describe(what I'm hoping) is a suicide attempt/success(?) Also, i love the flow and just the feel of it! Awesome job!!!!
What you can improve on:
Nothing! Well, everyone can always improve......but this piece is great in my eyes!!! Keep up the good work and write on!!!!
With love,
SpencerReidIsMyLife
This is touching, and very beautifully written.
Oh my god! I think this is the best poem you have written and I have seen some great peoms out of you. I know this poem is personal (hehe) and I just ugh! I love it. You know I'm always here for you <3
Anyway onto review:
I think the comma is in the wrong place: "I teeter, downward gazing." = "I teeter downward, gazing."
And I actually think that's it. The rest is fricken perfect oh meh gawd Ever!
Oh my gosh Mad, you're amazing.
Me? Ha. Thanks though <3
Hello EverWinter! CHRISSY321 here to review your poem here!
I think that this was a cool poem. Not saying that killing/harming yourself is a good thing, but I like the constant almost clam tone the exist through out the entire poem. You being able to set of the tone a mood like you did is just a really great asset to have as a writer!
Here is just one thing that I would change:
Here in the first line you say ''downward, teetering" and I do not think that it flows well. I do understanding that you did the whole 'ing' scheme throughout this stanza, but I feel this line did not flow very well. Here, if I were you, I would put 'gazing downward'. This is your choice because it would break the flow, and it would cause you to maybe need to change the other lines, but it is just on area that I would change.
*I also really love this thing you did to separate the stanzas, very classy :p
(~*~)
Overall I did really love this poem! great job! Hope to see more workers from you!
~Chrissy <3
Thanks
I wanted to do a thing where it looked like it was about suicide, but actually, it's about falling in love. Pretty clever of me 
not really though. I will definitely fix that stanza!
OH! wow, it really i guess depends on how you see it XD boy an I grim
That's the way it's supposed to be