Dripping pain,
Tearing heart,
Screaming inside,
Trying to hide.
Twisted emotions,
Of want and hurt,
Phantom kisses,
Calling your name.
It's doomed,
Completely damned
I chase after
What I can't have.
To see your face,
Is agony,
Knowing you'll never,
Look for me.
Do I tell,
Secrets of mine?
Or do I hide,
Never catching your gaze?
I should tell,
That's what you'd want.
But I never will,
I never can.
I'll watch you slip,
Slip away.
Goodbye, love.
It's better this way.
Should I tell him?
Is it worth it?
To break the fourth wall,
Hey you, do I tell?
Yes?
No?
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139,907 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
GirlWithATypewriter says...
Hi!First off I've gotta tell you that I really love the feelings and the thoughts that must have kick started this poem. It's a poem where people can actually start to feel what you are feeling if they let themselves get absorbed into it.
I love the how it starts:
Dripping pain,
Tearing heart,
Screaming inside,
Trying to hide.
I love the questioning thoughts behind this poem but it kinda put off when the questions were not like in any sorta periodic cycle or anything. It's just a minor thing that troubled me but other than that your poetry was top notch! Keep the good work up!
XOXO
GirlWithATypewriter says...
Hi!First off I've gotta tell you that I really love the feelings and the thoughts that must have kick started this poem. It's a poem where people can actually start to feel what you are feeling if they let themselves get absorbed into it.
I love the how it starts:
Dripping pain,
Tearing heart,
Screaming inside,
Trying to hide.
I love the questioning thoughts behind this poem but it kinda put off when the questions were not like in any sorta periodic cycle or anything. It's just a minor thing that troubled me but other than that your poetry was top notch! Keep the good work up!
XOXO
Heya, Eevee! Casanova here with another review!
Aah, finally. Poetry, poetry, poetry. I've been waiting for this. Anyway, to the review!
Okay, you have chopped lines. You're saying parts of a line, or sentence, over multiple lines without any shape or form. Why is this? To me is seems as if you're trying to make it dramatic, but over all I feel as if this really disrupts the poem itself. Try something like this, and it's just a suggestion-
"I'm screaming inside. My heart tears in pain, my soul is dripping in pain. I try to hide, but these twisted emotions follow me. Wanting and hurting both unite, feeding off the ghost of phantom kisses." Something as simple as that could go a long way. Playing with images and emotions, and letting them flow so to speak. You're giving us statements without any point of view at first, what are we supposed to feel? You're giving us choppy statements in small bursts, but emotions doesn't work like that. You're wanting him, you're not wanting him. There's a thousand things going on in your head, and yet we're seeing very little of it. And from what I know about love(What experience I've had in it, anyway), it doesn't just come by and leave quickly. It stays. You hurt. That's what I want to see. Hurt doesn't go away quickly. Draw it out. Lie in it. Make it your bed and sleep in it for eight hours. I want to know the depression, I want to know the longing, I want to know how it feels without you strictly coming out and telling me how it feels. Show me. Through images. Through emotions. Put what you have into it.
Also, the,"Yes? No?" parts. I would keep those, as well as the lines before it. They work, and I say those two are the ones you don't have to revise to make this splendid.
Anyway, I hope this helped. I'm moving on now.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Cassy
Hey, EverWinter!
away and way are rhyming. I think this seems too forced.Okay! So! I really like this poem. The description is wonderful!
But, I do (unfortunately) have a few nitpicks.
Alright, so, first off, I thought there was a rhyme scheme. But, it switched and rhymed in some places and not in others. Some rhymes weren't really too well written because here
I overall like the flow and message of this poem.
That was it! Just the rhyme scheme being a little off and the length of the sentences differ dramatically. Maybe try to make them the same length? But, I do like the length of the lines.
Those are just my opinions. Ultimately, I really liked this piece!
Keep writing!,
~Tiff
This is Yams here for a review!
I felt like this poem was the cliche love/hurt poem.
"Oh my heart is tearing over him oh no what do I do?" is what I get from it. You don't really bring any real emotion to me with this, sorry. Your words could've been stronger, they're just overused and not as powerful. If you changed words like "screamed" to "shrieked" it sounds much more powerful.
I felt like the poem tried to be strong and dramatic but it just came out as kinda cheesy.
Have a great day!
tell em girly
Hey EverWinter!
This is a lovely poem and it flows nicely. There are some moments where the flow falls a little:
"Or do I hide,
Never catching your gaze?"
and
"Calling your name."
I completely adored these lines. UGH <3:
"It's doomed,
Completely damned
I chase after
What I can't have."
Other than that. This poem is amazing! I expect to see this is the literary spotlight! Great job.
Never ever stop writing,
Rachel <3
Hi!First off I've gotta tell you that I really love the feelings and the thoughts that must have kick started this poem. It's a poem where people can actually start to feel what you are feeling if they let themselves get absorbed into it.
I love the how it starts:
Dripping pain,
Tearing heart,
Screaming inside,
Trying to hide.
I love the questioning thoughts behind this poem but it kinda put off when the questions were not like in any sorta periodic cycle or anything. It's just a minor thing that troubled me but other than that your poetry was top notch! Keep the good work up!
XOXO