In a field alone,
sits a girl with daisies in her hair.
She breathes slowly,
Not opening her eyes.
Soon the wind sings,
Whipping her, stinging, and cold.
She finally shivers,
Then the rain begins to pour.
A hurricane rages,
And yet, still she sits.
Little do we know,
She sits grieving, breaking inside.
With a crack of pain,
Worse the storm becomes.
Lightning strikes,
And the thunder echoes all around.
She falls to her knees,
The ground shakes and splits.
Life is doomed,
When she rakes her nails into the ground.
Her screams,
Are louder than the storm.
Destruction in her wake,
She refuses to let anything escape.
Everyone,
She thinks, will feel my pain.
Her eyes flash open,
Red, hateful, and the world burns.
Nothing,
Nothing will escape,
From the girl with daisies in her hair.
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,819 Reviews
I have a short little review for this so here we go!
I loved this poem overall because I personally just went through some things this poem touches on and the imagery just mmmm yes! I LOVE imagery!
Such as,
I felt like this was the strongest section of the poem. The picture was so vivid in my head because when I read narrative types of poetry, I paint pictures in my head and this part just cleared it to where I thought I was literally watching this girl. Awesome!
One thing I might change is the flow. It was a little hard to follow and some of the lines seemed like you cut them really short. I do like the long stretched format and overall, format is different between all writers. I just think that giving some lines a little bit of length would help the reader follow better.
Keep writing! <3
~Galaxy
Heya, Eevee! Casanova here for another review! Let's get to it!
Alright, I'm going to be doing this one piece by piece. At least for most of it, I'll quit whenever.
The last line of this seems off. It doesn't fit with the rest of it. I would suggest changing it to something like,"Her eyes staying closed." it just seems to flow and sound better with the line before it, but that's up to you.
I like the imagery here, and it is a bit different than the imagery that I've read in some of your other poems. I really like the change here. I have nothing to critique.
The line,"Worse the storm becomes," sounds extremely off to me. I would suggest something simple like,"With a crack of pain/ the storm worsens." For flow and sound reasons, I think this really helps it. Otherwise, strong imagery and good job.
I would change the first line to include a,"as," to make it seem more dramatic. This is happening to her, and it seems it's happening partly because of her. And it seems that she's part of it as well, so I think that helps it a bit. Besides that, nothing to say.
I think you could get rid of the,"She thinks," part, and change,"my," to,"her," to keep the third person point of view going, It's going really well, and it helps the flow out as well so I think you have a good thing going. Also, I like how you repeat,"Girl with daises in her hair." It really shows how a person can change from happy and smiling to cold, cruel, and evil. I really do love this, and thought it was about how people could change.
Anyway, I hope this helped at least a bit. I'm moving on now.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Cassy
Hello, EverWinter! I'm here to review your poem this fine review day!
I enjoy the use of nature motif to express inward emotions. Whenever people write about hiding emotions or staying strong under pressure, the imagery used is usually something to do with hiding, or a mask, or something like that, but this is refreshing. I also like the progression from peace to anger. I understand this and I feel very connected to it because I am going through a similar situation.
That being said, there are a few changes that you could make to make this even better.
You use sight and touch, but where are the other senses? Imagine yourself as this girl (maybe you are the girl in the poem?). What is this girl smelling, tasting, hearing? There is thunder, but what does it sound like? It echoes, but does it rumble? Does it crack? Can she smell the smoke from a lightning fire in the distance? Use all of the five senses to really flesh this out.
While these two lines are grammatically correct, I don't really see a reason for them to be worded this way. It feels slightly unnatural, and the rest of the poem feels really nice and easy. Try wording these lines how you would talk to somebody to preserve the natural feeling of the poem.
You have a lot of nice strong words, but try experimenting with stronger, more specific words. Instead of red eyes, what quality of red are her eyes? Crimson? Scarlet? Think very specifically so the reader can be sucked into the poem even more.
I hope that this review proves useful to you! I enjoyed reading it! Happy review day!
This is such a beautiful, emotional poem. When I read it, I feel this subtle, barely contained anger slowly building its way up into rage and anguish. (Does that make any sense?
) The mental image it evokes for me is of a seemingly harmless girl, dainty and wearing those daisies in her hair, wreaking unexpected havoc on the world to get all that bottled-up pain out. Looks can be deceiving.
My only critique is that I'd suggest playing with the punctuation a little bit - I saw some lines where a comma might not be necessary, like "Her screams, / Are louder than the storm." Personally, though, I think that when it comes to punctuation and capitalization in poems, anything goes.
Keep up the amazing work!
Thank you!!
This is a really depressing poem but I loved how you can feel the pain and anger that your character has, and I also like how you described the character with the girl with daisies in her hair. But I have one question, What is she upset about? you don't describe it vary well. This part made me cry and angry all in one: Everyone,
She thinks, will feel my pain.
Her eyes flash open,
Red, hateful, and the world burns. This made me cry because she wants people to understand her and to feel her pain. But not everyone cares and that makes her angry. And with her pain happening in a storm makes it like the storm is the only thing she can count on. She was happy and now she has mixed emotions. that changes the song a little bit because when someone is heartbroken they have a mixed feelings of pain and anger all in one. This part with the storm is the best part: She breathes slowly,
Not opening her eyes.
Soon the wind sings,
Whipping her, stinging, and cold.
She finally shivers,
Then the rain begins to pour.
A hurricane rages,
And yet, still she sits.
Little do we know,
She sits grieving, breaking inside. this is one of the best parts because everyone is apart of a storm but she is the only one that feels it. Good Job and keep up the good work.
Thanks