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E - Everyone

Happy Birthday YWS

by EverStorm

Happy birthday, to this site,

where I spend my time, all day and night.

You gave me friends I'd never have,

If I hadn't crossed upon your path.

There are people here,

Who are refugees,

From the real world,

And the scars it leaves.

There's now a place,

Where we belong.

Where we are safe,

And judgement's gone.

So thank you Nate,

And YWS too,

Please don't doubt,

That we love you.

Happy Birthday YWS!

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624 Reviews

Points: 3571
Reviews: 624

Sat Nov 19, 2016 3:18 am
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Casanova wrote a review...

Heya, Eevee! Casanova here to do a review! :P

Anyway, to start off I would like to say a Happy Birthday thing to our site I haven't seen before(for some reason), and although it would seem a little cliche it is somewhat original, so props for doing it.

Okay, overall. I give you props for the lack of rhyme besides the first two lines. Not all poetry has to rhyme and all that.

Like Ats said in his review, imagery here would be appreciated. You talk about how people come here to escape, and that there's a world we belong in, but where's anything more than that? How people feel about the site, how people feel about each other. What did they escape from? What are they running from? When I read statements like you made, I would love the answers to these questions. Otherwise it leaves me guessing about the,"what ifs," of the work, and we both know I don't like leaving things half finished :P

Try spicing it up. Instead of just saying,"yo it's this way," try describing it without saying it. That's where the imagery comes in. Even if it's something simple like the refugee's fleeing from the dragon's of the world, or this being the perfect Garden of Eden to the Chosen People(the refuges). Things like that, simple, but effective. It makes a dull work shine bright when you polish it off the right way.

Overall, that's all I have to say. Adding emotion to it, putting imagery in it, and switching it up. I'm not saying,"Yo this ain't no gewd dog," and that it shouldn't exist, I'm saying it might do really good if you tweaked it a bit.

Anyway, keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Your friend, Matthew Casanova Aaron <3

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1080 Reviews

Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Wed Nov 16, 2016 3:20 am
Kaylaa wrote a review...

This is Kaos here for a review!

I personally couldn't get into this poem because it was a gimmick. It's like writing poetry about poetry or writing poetry about a book that you like, I can't really do it or like it myself. The thing is, while writing a poem like you have here to YWS, you still have to keep the basic functions of a poem. One of the things that you left out was imagery, which was something that could be appreciated. You could be describing how the site looks or the Lounge or anything like that. The use of metaphors is also something that you didn't do, and it's something that I think would help the poem get the message across more sincerely.

Something that I think would be beneficial is to narrow down what you're talking about and put them into individual stanzas rather than the poem being so broad. It's like one of those generic inspirational quotes that just sound good but don't actually do anything thought-provoking. Give us your personal experiences rather than the website as a whole as it makes it more sincere in that way. Don't make it a poem where anyone could have written it, make it so only you could have.

The lines here were restricted by short length and I suggest you vary up the line length to make it more interesting. Things get stale if they're the same length all the time, as well as the punctuation, which is something I thought you performed better on. Give the lines more time to build on each other and more space for imagery to grow into cracks that need to be sealed in some way. Don't restrict it to a few words a line and just move on, it'll get boring for the reader. One thing I think you did do right is the feeling of it and I think if you wanted to you could rewrite this as an Ode to YWS because I don't /think/ I've seen that done before and this fits the description for one.

I hope I helped and have a great day!

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10 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 10

Mon Nov 14, 2016 7:53 pm
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Transport222 says...

That's a great idea! who does not need a little bit of fun? It is YWS' birthday anyway! I'm not sure how to review this but is kind of sweet. I love the way that, as you said, no one judges anyone and I suppose it does seem weird but, in a strange way, I do love this site! Long live YWS!!!

"You may deem me romantic, my dear sister, but I bitterly feel the want of a friend."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein